what do you do when she tells you she don't want to give OM up? she said she has not been in love with me for a long time and she just wants a divorce, so she can get on with her life .we have been together since 1981 and we have been married for 13 years,we have 3 children 12,8 ,5 . all of this just don't seem to matter to her. she has not filed nor have i .we still stay in the same house, but there is't much talking about it.

Hi Upnort<p>Firstly can you give more details, like when you found out, how youve tried to resolve/deal with it, what plans you guys have at the moment, do you have a counselor, situation of OM and relevant details...<p>Secondly, try to read through as much as you can of Dr Harleys material on this site, it will give you direction and choices to make. Can you get a copy of SURVIVING AN AFFAIR? Definately read.<p>I'm really sorry to hear she is not willing, at this stage, to give up OM. PLease dont feel your marriage is all over...there is hope, hold on to that. But in the meantime, while she is still there, try to limit your emotions from exploding and read about Fulfilling her Emotional Needs first (on this site).<p>THinking of you and will check in to see how youre going, keep us updated and read other posts on here for encouragement and support.<p>Others more knowledgeable (and successful) than I will be along shortly to give you advice. But try to get a personal counselor and if possible and not already tried, a marriage counselor too.<p>Dancer [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

i found out about OM about 5 weeks ago. i worked on plan a from the time i found out but last weekend she went with him . after telling me she just needed time to think and that she was going to go to motel ( to think )i found out she was with OM and asked her and she said yes she was(i was home with the kids )i told her that what she did was very wrong . she just don't seem to care about anything but him .i know she cares about the kid but it just don't seem as if she is thinking clearly. she asked me the other day if i had thought of a place to live.this is the first time she has talked to me in long time .we do talk about every day things and about the kids .i plan on going to a counselor tomarrow, but she said that she is not going to go because that there is't any one that is going to change her mine or the way she felt. i'm lost

Hi Upnort,<p>I'm further down the road than you and I can tell you it's rocky.<p>My advice,
1/ focus on the children. They need your support and they will support you in return as they realise what she's up to. Do not use them as pawns in your struggle.<p>2/ Forget about A and OM ( very hard one, this ). It distracts you from the job in hand.<p>3/ Work on rebuilding your life, recover the old you she fell in love with and then improve. Do the things you have been intending to do but never got round to. Always appear happy and independent even when you feel down( anti-depressants may be rquired ). No amount of discussion will change the way she feels about OM so save your breath. Make the home safe and comfortable.<p>This may buy enough time for the A to go pear-shaped when you must MB in earnest together. Don't push now or you'll get the response you don't want.<p>Good luck.