Saw our MC today. My IC is telling me that I need to detach from our situation. My WS has a PD and she thinks that I will need to move on rather than stay since people with this PD are poor therapy candidates, and it involves A's, fluctuating between raging at me and crying to me, and lying. The MC is telling me I need to stop "freezing" WS out because that is adding to WS's problem and making it worse. I've just finally gotten over the crying and worst of the pain of dealing with WS's A's, missing money, and not getting any admissions or answers about anything. I was ready to get a divorce, and told WS it was either a last ditch effort with a MC or I was filing. How do I now turn around and stop "freezing him out"? It's been so hard to detach because I didn't really want to, but I can't continue to live my life with someone who doesn't feel because they can't feel, constantly lies and seeks out OP but then can't admit it. MC completely dismissed any concerns I brought up and made it seem like everything that was happening was totally my fault. I accept partial responsibility for not always being receptive to WS's needs, but I didn't cause the PD, and I didn't even know it existed until about 4 months ago. I'm so afraid of opening myself up to being hurt and having to deal with the pain all over again in a month or two. I don't think I can go through it a second time! What do I do now?

I don't have much advice for you, but one quick thing...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> MC completely dismissed any concerns I brought up and made it seem like everything that was happening was totally my fault. <hr></blockquote><p>Sounds like things aren't meshing w. the shrink, you might want to tell him/her how they made you feel.<p>Elizabeth

Sad,
I have no clue what a PD is...<p>But whatever it is your spouse has, I agree with justthewife that you can't be completely at fault. Our 3rd counselor was the one who was right for us. The first one was so much more depressed than my H and kept accusing me of micromanaging the household...heck I don't even macromanage the house, that I could barely stand the sessions.<p>I'm also not sure what the real difference in behavior is between detaching and freezing out. Freezing out to me seems like a method of detachment...Plan B comes to mind. The WS doesn't get any spouse contact in Plan B, which could be considered freezing out and/or detaching.<p>Your spouse has very difficult behaviors...and, it may be that if you detach, he may learn to control his behaviors, he may not, ever. If you can't bear living with him as he is, you don't have to, if you aren't separated, you can do that. If you are separated you can go to Plan B so that his daily behavior isn't hurting you and you can begin to heal.<p>I went through 7 separations with my H...and if you can handle it once, you have the strength to do it again, even though it does not get easier. Most times that isn't a choice whether to handle it or not...you just do. But you can choose how.<p>[ March 22, 2002: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</p>

Lor (Lor) and JTW thanks for your responses. I do plan to address things a little differently at our next session with the counselor and to be more prepared. I think maybe MC was trying to get a reaction from me, and does want me to think about what he said. The trust issues are so big in this relationship and it's been so worn down over the years, that I'm not sure it can be repaired without major concessions on WS's part, and I don't think WS is willing or able to do that. A PD is a personality disorder. Unfortunately the one my WS has can't be treated by medication, and they are poor therapy candidates. I guess I have to take the chance of letting my guard down and having to detach all over. I'm just still not sure I want to. Guess I have to figure that out before we get too far into all this.