I am the wayward wife having had an affair for 6 years. I need to get off the fence, but whenever I think about ending it with either one of them I panic and can't make the decision. I heard some doctors talking once about meds that help you calm down so you can think clearly and make decisions. I don't know what to do. I tried counseling once and she basically told me to get a divorce. I know that my husband is the better choice for me, but I can't leave my lover. PLEASE help me. I am scared time is running out and my husband will find out and leave me. Whatever happens, I need to make the decision and be proactive.

OK, ES, you say yourself you know your h is the right choice, better choice for you! <p>Obviously, he is your H.<p>Now, what needs of yours are you getting met from the A--- you are getting some needs met by h and some by the lover. You need to let your h meet all needs, do you think he can. <p>You must give up the lover. Try counseling with the harley's is a suggestion, read everything on this site, read surviving an affair and his needs, her needs. Try to find out how to stop and why you are doing this.<p>Eventually you will have to be honest with your spouse, or the breakdown will continue.<p>HUgs, you can survive this.<p>Honey

There are no easy ways out on this one. You yourself have admitted that you're going to suffer, one way or another.<p>So... by prolonging things, you're only delaying the inevitable pain. And in the meantime, you're suffering MORE pain. So it becomes clear that a decision must be made.<p>As to what decision to make... that's something only you can decide. But ask yourself some serious questions, and answer them honestly. You yourself say that your husband is the best choice. That sounds like it's coming from your head, rationally considered. Ask yourself what generally gives the most success in life - responding on whims of the heart, or thinking things through, based on knowing what's best? It might not feel good in the short term... but think long term... You'll be glad you did...

Eshock,
Why did the counselor say you should divorce?
I don't know how you have survived 6yrs without your H knowing something.(BTW...I am the WH)
Your H will have to know sometime no matter which way you go. I can't figure that you could carry that burden forever. I DO understand your pain.
Have you figured out what the real differences are between your H and the OM? Could you be happy with him? Can your H change to meet your needs?
That's all you need....more questions!
Brw
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First of all, is the other man married? I agree that you need to determine what needs he has met, that could be met if you worked on your marriage. I am of the opinion that unless you're being abused at home, you should try to salvage the marriage. If this OM is cheating with you, someday he may very well cheat ON you. I've seen it more than once. I'm sure you've heard the statistics, only about 5% of affairs lead to long term relationships.<p>I would strongly urge you to get into counseling. Then when you are feeling stronger, be honest with your husband. Ask him to go with you, it might be easier to tell him with the counselor there. That's what my H did. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy, it's been a nightmare. But we are still together, and our marriage is getting stronger all of the time. <p>Hard to believe since he lied about the affair for 6 years, and it was with my former best friend. My world came crashing down and I thought I'd never get over it. But with counseling, lots of prayer, reading, support from friends, etc. I'm here today. My H now realizes what an awful mistake it was and can't believe the things he did.<p>Please give yourself, and your marriage a chance

I know it's hard, and it's a special kind of hell to think that you love two men and think that you can't go on without either one. I'm here to tell you from experience that you can do it. You are in a committed relationship...you own it to yourself to figure out what went wrong in this relationship so that these issues don't carry over into your next ones, should there be next ones.<p>Your and your H...something went wrong. There are some relationship skills that have to be learned here, or an affair would not have happened, right? These are skills that will have to be learned regardless of who you decided to be with. This involves counseling, some pretty uncomfortable and open communication, and probably a slew of self-help books [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Who would you trust with your innermost self the most? Who would be most willing to hash out these relationship skills with you? If things could be the way you wanted them to be in your relationship...who would you choose to be with?<p>I couldn't have been happy, without regrets, in a new relationship without knowing that I really gave my best effort to saving my current one. Time and TOTAL no-contact has made the pain much easier, and when I think of OM now, it's usually with shame and sadness. Affairs are so selfish and damaging, but it's hard to see how much so until it's all over.<p>The pain will fade, but only when you make a decision. You have to take responsibility for your own happiness and well-being, and you won't be doing so until you make the decision to fully commit to whoever you choose. The pain and confusion won't fade until you take control again and believe in yourself. You CAN be happy again, one way or the other, but not until you take action to make it happen [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]