Just an opinion. <p>But, the OM/OW always deserves to know. Wouldn't you want to know? ... I would. <p>Personally, I would feel betrayed if a friend knew, but was too weak (in character) to tell me, or just wanted to "stay out of it". That is NO FRIEND, in my opinion. <p>And, the line that the OM/OW probably knows anyhow ... well, that's just a convenient cop-out. <p>Again, just my opinion (of course). $0.02 worth.

Just an opinion. <p>But, the OM/OW always deserves to know. Wouldn't you want to know? ... I would. <p>Personally, I would feel betrayed if a friend knew, but was too weak (in character) to tell me, or just wanted to "stay out of it". That is NO FRIEND, in my opinion. <p>And, the line that the OM/OW probably knows anyhow ... well, that's just a convenient cop-out. <p>Again, just my opinion (of course). $0.02 worth.

Just a quick question - and sorry if I am interrupting;<p>How honest is WS really being if they still wish to hide things about the A from anyone? By the WS admission that he or she wants to keep it from OPS doesn't it also mean they are not being radically honest about what transpired during the A?<p>hmmm....<p>IMHO OPS should definitely know - not because of any desire to hurt someone or cause problems, but because once we are made aware of something that hurts another human being it is our moral responsibility to help them. He/she is not being helped by a person that will keep things from them - things that affect their lives so deeply. If u ask me, one is being complicite in the A by keeping it from the OPS.

First thank you to everyone for replying. It has really helped. Unfortunately, there has been a turn of events and I feel so torn that I'm pretty sure that I am going to take to ow's h.<p>Last night i found more messages on his incoming cell and again they were from her home and it was her day off. He had not erased them, he doesn't any calls anymore so that I may look. He did not return call. (at least on cell, and i think he would've had to) <p>I just can't seem to get it thru her head the pain she is causing us- my husband , me and to our kids. No one is her family knows.<p>My husband is comitted to working things out, but last night when he called her in front ofme to tell her about not calling (again, his comments to her were "Elise saw the messages on the cell phone is upset." She hung up. I was upset that he was still being a nice guy, at my cost.<p>He isn't aware of the POJA. He hasn't read the any of the MB stuff yet. But doesn't the fact that he is not putting me/marriage first but allowing her to carry on mean that I have to put my foot down? He told me that he doesn't want me to tell her h becuase he is afraid of what he might do. I feel like that's another selfish move on his part; thinking about himself not us.<p>I'm so confused. REally, thanks for whatever post you give- it all helps. I/ going to try and have him look at them tonight.<p>Elise

I say tell, most people, especially with kids, want to know... the om in my case.. or other cpouse... chose to believe his wives lies- go figure... but whatever.<p>I tried to contact him as friend, and he was very rude... since then I leave him alone... if he likes to stick his head in the sand, his choices.<p>H

I had to respond to this post because last night I had a revelation from my mother-in-law that my sister-in-law who for some months worked in my H's office observed some of the inappropriate behavior and comments that my H was doing. She told her H (my H's brother) and THEY DID NOT TELL ME! Today I feel betrayed all over again. Why do I feel this way? If I had known so many months sooner, their A would probably not reached the emotional level that it did by the sheer fact of it continuining. It may not have gotten to the point where he was ready to leave me and our children for her. I left my home to take my children to go see their grandparents and was gone for a month! Do you think I would have gone if I even had a clue? I left the country and left everything wide open to this OW. We might have been able to seek counseling sooner. Why......why did they chose this path, why didn't they tell me? These are people who are SUPPOSED to care about me, their my family for gods sake!<p>Couldn't they have sent me an anonymous letter at least? Then I would have had some inkling if nothing else and I could have opened my eyes to see. They betrayed me too, but not as bad as my H of course. They chose their own comfort over any thought of protecting me. I am devastated all over again today.<p>Why didn't by BIL go talk to my H about what he knew? <p>I don't mean to take over this post, I just want everyone to realize the pain that is caused when those who KNOW take the easy way out. Think of this poor woman and how she will feel when and if she does find out. She will wonder why no one had the guts to tell her, she will wonder how she could have done things differently if she had known sooner. Do you not believe that this OM will do this again to his W somewhere down the line?

I'm simply going to relay my circumstances, whether each of you chose to tell the OPs spouse is something that was based on your circumstances.
I am not telling the OPs husband and here's why.
1. What if he is the jealous type and decides to beat up or kill my hubby. The last thing we need right now is a mad man after us and our 2 small children.
2. She has a reputation of this type of behavior, and she says he does it to. Whose to say they even want to work on their marriage? You know there are people with "open marriages" out there.
3. If he chose to, he could get my hubby fired, and since word isn't out on the street, he could also ruin my hubby's reputation (which he deserves, but it hasn't happened yet, and I feel that's a good thing for my family).
4. It could split up their marriage, and then where would we be? She'd be even lonelier and would probably turn up the heat looking for another A partner. And since she seemed to think my H was such a promising candidate, why wouldn't she start right back over with him? (and yes, they still work together so she could harass him to death.)<p>In my case, the price is just to high. Since her reputation is like it is, I figure her H has become aware of her activities at some point in time and has decided to stay with her regardless of them. I kind of figure they have the "open marriage" thing going on. It's like having a scale, some times you have to weigh the potential negative against the potential positive. The only potential positive I could see would be if he forced her to quit her job, and I just don't see this being something that would happen.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Elise:
<strong> his comments to her were "Elise saw the messages on the cell phone is upset."</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I'm not too thrilled with your H's choice of words there. He's putting the blame on YOU again (as all WS's do at some point). I know I'm just nit-picking... but I think he should have said that it was HIM who was upset about the messages from her. She doesn't give a rat's behind about YOUR feelings - so why would she stop calling? However, if your H is the one who is being hurt by it, and he tells that to her (in your earshot of course), then maybe there would be a better chance of her NOT calling.<p>Sorry about the vent here... but I had to get it out.<p>Take care,
Karen