T,
Thanks for checking in on me – it has been a while! I feel honored!<p>I know the last time I saw anything from you, it sounded like you were doing well & have worked through a lot of issues. I have tried to keep up to date on our friend Sobelle!<p>As for me. I am not positive how it is going. Sometimes I think we are doing well, then certain things pop up and I start to think about what we have discussed & established & I get a little frustrated & wonder exactly where I stand with her.<p>I general, she has successfully maintained her position of: “We’re not talking about the why’s – let’s sweep it under the rug & move on” – As long as I aqueous and do things according to how she wants them, we can get along just fine. It is when I make a point of something I think we should do, that many times creates fireworks. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>IMHO, she has extreme difficulty really seeing my point of view and does not seem motivated to trying to change to meet my needs. We have sold our home and downsized to a townhouse & that has kept us busy focusing on those issues & that has helped. I like the 180 degree concept as well and have used some of that at times & I think in certain situations, particularly just after I have made some fuss over something, Typically about how she treats me, like showing no respect or being totally controlling. I don’t know if that is permanent solution, because it ultimately plays into how I believe she feels more comfortable – if I don’t show affection or attention, she feels not obligation to reciprocate or guilt when she does not return similar gestures --in that she just does not typically repecricate. I feel many times that she would actually prefer a "marriage of convenience" – to me, that is how she acts many times & that concerns me.<p>This phone call thing has been an issues for literally years. When I look back in review of our relationship, it was another thing I acquiesced on & I believe helped to lead to this “Marriage of Convenience” feeling that she expressed as a justification for what she did (I know it is common justification of WS for “A'’) – She still has major problem with expressing any real affection & she still professes an inability to do this – even though I observe it with many of her actions with others. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>She never followed up on any suggestions by our couples counselor or our pastor actually & she gets extremely defensive if I make any remote suggestions about MB’s. For example, the counselor suggested that she make a point of calling me around noon each day – that lasted three days. I was suggesting we make a habit of taking walks together, with our dog in this park close to where we lived. She was emphasizing to counselor that she needs this time to herself. Counselor said I needed to back off & that she was to come up with ideas of joint activities –that was September – none yet. Counselor asked if I would feel better about her dress if I had assurances from her about her commitment to me. Counselor had me ask my DW for this & My DW was very insincere, and began to speak as if "forced," so Counselor stopped her. Counselor asked if W could allow a specific time each day, three days a week, or once a week for us to discuss the MB's stuff, for her to not take it so personally or not make it such an assignment – could not get agreement on that – dropped. My DW made a point that she resisted the books I recommended. On a separate time, C said she had a book she could recommend and my DW got his frown on her face & C said, you have read enough maybe, huh & DW agreed, no book. I believe DW still maintains that she was a victim and/or in our last discussion, she said she does not know why she did those things other than that we did not have a strong marriage -- dahh –
Pastor suggested joint praying & look for ways we could express our love to each other. He made good point that the more we honor the Lord the more we honor our marriage. After first couples prayer, it was a force & definite source of irritation – we had maybe three – four at the most. I gave it up.
In her valentines card to me, she wrote that she would be open to couples counseling again (we have not been since first week in September), this was after a big battle the night before in which I challenged her about her true feeling about me & if she really did not like me, lets recognizes that & go on our separate ways -- get on with our lives. I remember saying that I think I am her source of problems & reason for a lot of her stress; that I ask her for signs that she likes me & that she does not want that. That she needs to be married for financial reason, but that she really does not care for me. She cried that she was thinking we could work it out – yet she never professed any love for me. She would say that she starts to like me, then I bring up a negative, and makes her think badly about me … or something like that. <p>While she said she would be open to a new couples counselor, I know that if I find another one, I have a strong sense she’ll resist with the idea that I’m too controlling. To my knowledge she has made no attempts to find one. To my knowledge she has no seen her counselor for several months now. I happened to be checking her cell phone calls last week & noticed she called her counselor – she has not said a word about him though, so I don’t know if she has seen him – A few weeks back she challenged me that I did not appreciate him. I said that I know she does not believe she has an issue with SA, but that I do & we’re not going to avoid discussing this as a possibility, but that if in fact that is an issue, it is highly recommend that an opposite sex counselor not be used. She said he was not a threat – I told her I have seen him & he does look harmless (but if she does in fact have this decease, & assuming he has the normal “male plumbing”, there could be enough bonding that her apparent high need for physical attractiveness could easily disappear! my thoughts - I did not say this to her!), but if she really thinks he helps, then go ahead. I have really have given up on my snooping. And I don’t ask very many questions at all about her where abouts or what she did during the day – AGAIN, BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS WHEN SHE WAS SEEING THESE GUYS, WHEN SHE WAS SUPPOSEDLY WORKING OR WHATEVER.<p>I DO WONDER, IF SHE HAS APPOINTMENT WITH COUNSELOR, WHY IT NEEDS TO BE A SECRET & SHE SHOULD KNOW THAT I WOULD BE VERY INTERESTED TO KNOW IF SHE HAS AN APPOINTMENT & IT COULD BE A REAL POSITIVE THAT SHE IS WORKING ON SOME ISSUES – [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] -------- SECRETS [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Regarding the phone calls & voice messages – the basic phone call issue re-surfaced a couple weeks ago when she cut me off with derogatory comments like, “I don’t have time to chit chat!” – This was on her day off – it wasn’t like she was in the middle of brain surgery! Her telling me that I not call her unless it is absolutely necessary really hits a nerve because over the years she would say that when she was by herself visiting her parents or her cousin or our daughter’s or at 10:00 PM when she was away on business trip with her boss. In the year of the A’s she was away by herself about 6 weeks & my attempts to maintain some contact by phone was typically met with “put-downs” about whether it was really necessary for me to call her! This went on for years – now this is magnified for me when she took the initiate to call these guys and was calling the one guy when she was away visiting her cousin at 11:00 & 11:30 at night. Now it just makes me wonder that in her mind I am not all that important & she really rarely takes into any serious considerations my feelings. I am determined to not let our relationship get back to that stag, but I feel I am fighting the battle, pretty much by myself. She has commented before that she shows me affection with all the sex we have – well, you’ll remember, we were having lots of sex when the A’s were going on (like twice a day!). The sex is normally just that, sex, albeit hot at times, generally there is no kissing and the caresses and holding before & afterwards is minamal. Typically she does not really like much foreplay, she gets really very hot very quick and usually there is no real foreplay. To her, the foreplay is the orel thing. Maybe I’m just still too insecure & have unrealsonable expectations.
This thing with intamacy & affection hit a low point in Decemeber when she got me nothing for my B-day, not even a card & she works in a retail store that has greeting cards! There is a Hallmark store real close to her store & she commented a day or so before that they were actaully expensive. I told her a hand written note on scrape paper would thrill me to no end – when the day came – nothing!<p>I feel our relationship has not progressed much from the way it was when she had the A’s. Now, when I get upset & am very direct about some of these things, after a couple days of brooding, she really trys hard to be nice & curtious. <p>Another thing that came up just before Thanksgiving was her confession that she has been vomitting – the bulimia thing was news to her counselor as well. She has lyed to her boss about this, as her boss has specifically asks her about this – she confides in her boss a lot and her boss is a very committed Christian and is well read on counseling issues & consels with a lot of people about relationship things and the value of committing to Christ. It was her boss in fact who recommended to me the Dobson book, shortly after I sent my DW home, just after D/day. Now her boss may be more perceptive that my DW thinks – My Dw was telling her boss & others at her work as well, that she was thinking of leaving me in so many words, back in the midst of her A’s (now wouldn’t that be interesting to explore the why’s of that?!) & at the time, her boss asked her if she was having an A & she lied to her about that. Her boss pretty much knows the details of her A’s now, so I assume her boss has a good idea that my DW is not always honest, particularily about sensative or self incriminating issues ??<p>So, the Bulimia is another secret from most people. She has shown no motivation to seek help with this and any time I try to causually ask her about it, she ducts it with non-direct,defensive kind of responses (like yesterday, for example), then I drop it. So I assume it is still going on. I brought it up yesterday, because in last couple days she has been eating like a truck driver, yet I know she is motivated as much as ever to keep her weigh below 124. I believe her boss had a good idea she has a problem here. Her boss gave her a book with a CD which is the basis for a study group her boss started on “eating disorders” this has a strong scripturial solution base. MY DW told her boss she does not want to read or study this kind of thing, that if it asks her to memorize verses, she does not like that – simply does not want to participate in this – Same answer I get with suggestions I have made for marriage enrichment articles or books or what ever.<p>I suppose I should seek out another counselor – I hestitate though because I don’t feel like going through the history part again & the start up time it takes to get through the basic issues before getting to solution kinds of things. I believe my DW had a problem with our couples counselor, because for one thing, she did not let my DW run the show & the counselor kept coming back to the fact that we can’t sweep it under the rug & eventually we have to talk about some of this – we were getting to that point and frankly I don’t think she wants to face that reality or face her issues.<p>Even with all the lustful details of her A’s, and how she pursued them, she still insisits that her Counselor does not believe SA is an issue. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I just don’t hink she has been truthful with him about what all happened. Frankly, I believe it would be too embarassing for her & it would ruin her suburban yuppie, victim image! Real effective counselling, huh. I guess there is nothing I can do, as this is between him & her??<p>One of the priniples I agreed to shortly after D/Day was that the counseling needed to first foucus on her to deal with “her” issues, then we could tackle our “couples” issues. Frankly, her issues could literally take years!! This was when the SA was more a consideration by her actually. She has brought that up recently. Of course what her & her counselor discuss is confidential & she has yet to admitt to me at any problemsor issues she has that they are working on – She typically has many justifications for any & all of her actions that could be deemed negative to our relationship & she has said before that the purpose of her counseliong is to focius on her issues & not “Our” issues.
Of course, from my perspective at least, if my spouse has some concerns about things I was doing, I would typically want to address these & attempt to make some changes, like I would not to want to purposly hurt her or do things that legitamately annoyed her. If my S told me that she needed to see more assurances of how I felt about her & more signs of affection I don’t think I would have difficulty finding resources to help me accomplish this. My DW appears to have no interest in this kind of thing. <p>So, in summary I don’t know where I am, except I know whatever focus I had a year ago, as to what I felt we should do has been lost to some degree. I find myself going with the flow, but I still have this voice telling me that I need to be persisitent on certain things & that we had it all skrewed up before & that I cannot rely on my DW and “her” ways to ultimately make it better. I may not know all the anwers, but for sure she is not the master of wisdom with how to have a successful marital relationship!! <p>Recreational thing -- ?? We go out with friends on most weekends – have both been doing household stuff, which helps. – walks together with the dog? – still an individual thing – with the colder weather, I find myselve doing this more – I have a feeling as the weather warms up, she will be taking more of her turn with that as I can invision she gets back to the short shorts & string tank tops (I noticed she had bought a new pair of shorts and a stretch top, size Small?!) – No indication that she would welcome making the dog walk a “couples” thing, as I had suggested this past summer. I still don’t see why this is such a strecth for her? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So, T you asked -- Hope I did not kill you with the ramble here.<p>Again, thanks for checking in, I appreciate it!
Peace,
HH<p>[ March 25, 2002: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>
