I know this is probably normal, but it is driving me crazy. I am suspicious of every single thing my husband does. He wanted to get to work early today and kept looking at his watch as he was getting ready. Why? Is he meeting her for breakfast? He wanted to take the digital camera to work today to take some pictures and insisted I download the stuff on the card and erase it so he could drop the card off and have it processed. I suggested if he was going to do that, he should just get a disposable camera, but he said ours would work better and he wanted to "contribute" and why couldn't I just understand that? So what's up with this? Is he meeting her and wants to get some pictures? The other day, I met him for lunch. After we were done eating, he had another hour left in his lunch break, but I had to run back to work -- he said he was going to take a nap. He jumped in his car (didn't even walk with me to mine) and drove to another area of the parking lot and parked the car (he was already parked at his place of employment). Why did he do that? So when she showed up to spend the second 1/2 of his lunch with him, she could find him easily? I found a bologna sandwich in his car after he'd been home for two weeks -- it didn't smell funny at all. We don't have any bologna so how could a sandwich remain somewhat fresh (it even had mayo on it) sitting in the car for 2 weeks? I found some orange lip gloss on the floor next to my bed. It's not mine. Where did it come from? Has she been at my house again? I know it wasn't there after he moved out. I found a phone number that must have been in his pants pocket when I did laundry with no name on it. Maybe she finally got a phone and gave him the number (it was the right exchange). I called it and asked for her but was told I had the wrong number. So whose number is it?<p>Also, we've spent alot of money since he's been back -- mostly on stuff HE wants. While this is not entirely unusual for us (we tend to go overboard), I feel like he just came back so he could grab everything he could, leave me without any savings to fall back on, and then take off again with all his great new stuff. <p>I keep telling myself if something is going on, I will eventually find out about it. But I don't want to wait until "eventually", if he's not being honest with me, I am FINISHED -- I don't want to devote myself to him and be played for the fool AGAIN. I am finished with being used. And these suspicions are eating me alive! I don't feel I can discuss them with him, because if he is up to something he'll only lie about it. So even if I discuss them and he explains everything away and it makes sense, I'll still doubt. He's lied to me so many times -- looked me straight in he eyes and lied through his teeth. Do I belive him now, give him the benefit of the doubt? I know these suspicions are destructive and are only helping to put me in a funk -- but I can't seem to just let them go. I go over every little thing he does and wonder what his REAL motivations are for doing it! Please help!

dear ddex- i have no idea about the sandwich thing, kinda odd. i noticed that you have 3 kids-could the gloss be one of theirs?
the suspicions are killer-i noticed some cologne that i have no idea where it came from, havent asked about it yet. also a sweater after valentines day. he says the sweater came from his mom at xmas. she has no way of confirming this-she's not always home upstairs if you know what i mean. i really believe they both came from ow. but i cant confirm it.

What's his attitude like? He seemed somewhat abrupt on your lunch date. Is he this way all of the time? Do you feel that his attention is centered around you, or do you feel that his mind wonders when you are together? Any time something seems suspicious to me, I try to explain it away, because his attitude has been so right toward making the marriage work. (I haven't had any suspicions as major as yours). My husband also knows that if he screws up again, it is over. So maybe if he decided to do it again, he'd try to hide it better. I doubt it though because of the "fog" thing. Does your husband seem to be in a "fog?" When you think you have enough ammunition, confront him, but you must be ready to send him out the door and never look back. You seem strong enough to do this, but only you know if you really are. Best wishes to you.

Have you considered hiring a PI?? Very expensive, but either it could put your suspisions to rest, or confirm them. At least then you'll know for sure.<p>Speaking for myself, not knowing is much worse than what the truth could possibly be.

The lip gloss did belong to my daughter...<p>On the surface he is doing the right things. By most of his actions and his words, he appears committed. (Occassionally he backslides and does things like take out his frustrations on me, but when stuff like that happens, we talk about it). He's actually a little bit excited about getting counseling. Most of the time, I have his attention when we are talking -- and when I don't it seems to be because he's thinking about the new guitar he just got and what songs he wants to learn to play. He doesn't appear to be in "the fog" and has said more than once that he doesn't really have any deep feelings for the OW. We often talk about how this time is different than 6 years ago (major fog then). Even after he had moved out and was living with the OW, his behavior wasn't fog like (he'd obviously been crying every time he came over to visit the kids, he kept telling me how lonely he was, etc.). You're correct -- his behavior the time I met him for lunch was abrubt, but since I've never gone up there for lunch before, I don't have anything to really compare it to. So it's hard for me to tell if I'm just over reacting. <p>About hiding it better -- I've never before found stuff like this (and I've looked!). Before, the only real tip-off I had that something was going on was unaccounted for time. There hasn't been any of that. I've made it pretty clear to my husband that this is his last chance, so it seems since he was pretty good at hiding practically everything before, he'd still be pretty good at it. <p>Part of the problem is that I *like* having him back and so almost don't want to push it because it was so horrible without him. So, I have serious doubts if I am strong enough to walk away and not look back. Which is part of the reason I think these suspicions are bothering me so much -- am I overreacting (which I think is understandable given the circumstances) or is there really something there and I'm not allowing myself to truly see it because that would be the end and I'm not ready for that.<p>I've probably done the only thing I can do. I'm not a highly religious person -- I believe, but that's about the extent of it. But today, I actually sat and compose a real prayer to God, asking him to take the scales from my eyes and if there is something going on to reveal it to me in a way I cannot doubt. I only have to trust that God will do this for me.

I forgot another thing he did, which is maybe along the lines of "doing the right thing" or maybe another reason to be suspicious. <p>I took his wedding ring the day I kicked him out (in fact, I almost ripped his finger off I was so infuriated to see that he still had it on) and he hasn't asked for it back. I put mine back on after he'd been home a few days (after we went and retrieved his stuff from the OW's place, in fact). He had asked me my ring size (I told him I felt he owed me a birthday present, because the "present" he gave me at the time of my birthday was not it good faith and was actually done for his OW) and I had given him my wedding ring so he could have it sized. He gave me back my ring this morning and asked me NOT to put it back on (I still have my engagement ring on). He said that the rings are a symbol of our OLD marriage and that marriage is over. He said when we get to a point where we KNOW we are going to recover, he wants to get new rings. Actually a wonderful sentiment -- but my suspicious mind is working overtime and wondering why he doesn't want to put his ring back on.<p>[ March 23, 2002: Message edited by: Dedex1 ]</p>

Dedex,<p>Things are probably going to be like this for awhile until he proves to you that he can be trustworthy. But that is part and parcel of your decision to stay with him; you have to settle for that. The hard part will be to NOT ACT ON IT unless you have overwhelming, compelling evidence of his wrongdoing. Otherwise you will just push him away. It will take some time, but trust can be rebuilt if he tries real hard. <p>One thing I would suggest is that you make sure he understands that you are having a hard time with this and that you communicate to him ways he can make it easier and rebuild trust. Otherwise, you will go crazy and drive him crazy in the bargain. Godd luck!

Thanks Melody, I haven't mentioned to him how I'm starting to become so paranoid! It seems that everything he does, I read something sinister into it. We had a good day on Sunday -- did a lot of outside maintenance to our home and normally we would have ended up not speaking to each other due to taking out our frustrations while working on each other. Instead we ended the day sore, but feeling good that we got so much done. We also had a good night last night -- he brought me a gift and then was very tolerant of the snippy mood I was in (I had to take a test for the on-line class I'm taking and had put it off until the last minute and then was trying to do it with kids arguing in the background -- not a pleasant situation). <p>But this morning I feel like he was acting wierd (he usually waits until the morning to tell me stuff -- like if he'd seen her the day before) -- he didn't wake me when he got up and then when I did get up, he sat quietly like he was trying to build up the nerve to tell me something. So I asked if he had something to tell me and he said no. When I asked why he didn't wake me up he said because he was trying to be considerate and feels guilty sometimes that he gets me up an hour before I need to be up and that he thinks I think he gets me up just so I'll do stuff for him, although that is not the case (which I do know -- he enjoys my company in the morning, when the kids are still in bed and we can talk without the constant ruckus or being tired and/or frustrated from our day at work). Nothing really out of the ordinary, just this "feeling" that is now going to haunt me all day.<p>Sometimes I get so angry that he's caused this situation where I'm second guessing every single thing he says and does.

OK dedex, look at it this way, so you stay married one more month and then find out it's continued and end the marriage. Is that so much worse than finding out today? When I feel suspicious, this is what I think of sometimes. If he's still cheating on me, YES that's bad, terrible etc. But if he is, IT WILL COME OUT. So I play the fool until he does. Does that make my pain any worse should it come out at a later time? I don't think so. It would be equal pain for me to find out today or six months down the road. <p>It's late so I'm probably not making much sense, but if you basically think he's committed to the marriage and not straying, then enjoy the moment. Don't let the little things destroy your chance for reconciliation. If it is continuing, then at some point down the road you will be confronted with irrefutable evidence and will know then what you need to do. Probably the reason you are content in the marriage now is because in your mind, this evidence does not exist.

Hi Dedex,<p>Sounds like he needs to rebuild your trust. Work in process and in your case it looks like he is trying. <p>Take a look at my thread on trust and give me your ideas. I really feel this is a critical point in recovery. <p>JMHO,
L.<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

dear ddex- i found out the cologne was a xmas gift from a male co-worker. his wife called-very good friends of ours-they dont know- to ask me if the sprayer was working on the cologne her husband gave mine. her father in law owns a dept. store and gave them a case of the cologne to give out at xmas. some of the sprayers were defective. i laughed so hard i cried after getting off the phone with her. i never mentioned cologne to husband-so i know he didnt have anything to do with this.<p>there will probably always be things like this that come up-you just have to find a way to deal with them. i think god dealt with this one for me.<p>oh- and orchid-love the post about trust. i believe also it is his job to rebuild that. ive stopped checking and am moving on-hopefully he will also. funny though- i noticed him checking caller id for our home phone and doing things that seem to be him checking on me. its weird.

Thanks, guys. I think most of it is my imagination. And Jamup had a very good point -- what difference now or later? If he's still messing around or starts messing around again, I will find out. Nikko, I'm glad to hear the cologne turned out to be nothing!<p>This is all just so hard. Does everyone go through these stages? Now I'm wondering about whether I did the right thing in allowing him to come back -- it seems despite all our talking, he's dropping back into the old habits and I feel like I'm doing all the work. For example, I feel like I've given up the things I enjoy (which are all solitary things -- reading, computer games, jigsaw puzzles -- and he always complained that by doing these things I withdrew from him) I devote all our time together to him but he comes home last night, jumps on the computer and starts looking at stuff on Ebay (which he has no intention of buying). It's not so much that I mind him doing this, I recognize that he has interests that don't include me and at least he was home (and I got a chance to read a bit). But I'm concentrating so hard on HIM and US and it seems he is NOT. It's irritating -- he cheated on me (repeatedly), he should be the one bending over backwards to please me. In his defense, I honestly think he is doing his best and I know, again, I am overreacting.