I have thought about the reasons why I had the affair. I must tell you that in the last month or so, my marriage has been very good. We have traveled toether as a family, and my wife and I are going to go alone. We have dinner out wtihout the kids.<p>We are quite happy

YOU are quite happy. Your wife has no idea if she's happy or not since she doesn't know her own reality because her happy husband is concealing it from her.

mmsa,
You sort of remind me of a drunk person who ruined a party with their terrible behavior, but afterward, didn't apologize because they didn't remember their actions and therefore had no regrets. After all, how could you apologize for something you are clueless about??? Meaning, the betrayed spouses' hurt feelings...<p>Sure, you feel you did nothing wrong, you do not regret the EA, so why apologize and open a can of worms? Besides, the OW did not return your advances, other than a Valentine's Day card. Whatever... Sweep it under the rug.<p>Just be aware that the tempter may not go so easy on you the next time. Do whatever it takes to protect yourself from this weakness of yours. My guess is that he will come at you stronger the next time!! Please do not be so presumptuous to believe that it can NEVER happen to you again! Please be careful! Please figure out what it is that YOU need to do to be the best husband you could possibly be. Please!<p>Don't think you got away with anything, because you have not. You still have to live with your own conscience every day. And at least you do have one or you would never have posted here. Good luck in all your MB efforts!!!

I would say that you are happy in a one sided marriage. On your side is the truth and all of the puzzle pieces. On your wife's side is uncertainty, probably questioning if something is 'wrong,' but not sure what that is, thinking she's married to a faithful spouse. Sure you can continue that way, but if you read Torn Asunder you will see that undisclosed/unprocessed affairs (such as your 2), lead to stagnation in the marriage and a high potential for future affairs.<p>Does that sound good to you?

I dont believe my wife thinks anything is wrong. I have worked this stuff out. Have not really even talked with my female friend in two weeks.

Well, what she 'believes' and what IS are 2 very different things. You just don't get it!

MM - what was your home life like as a child? Did your parents divorce, were either of them an alcoholic? I am curious if maybe you have co-dependency or conflict avoiding tendencies... that can cause people to see others out for a temporary high, instead of dealing with their issues at hand.<p>Just some food for thought...

Dear finding:
You are on track, I beleive. It is that high, that newness, the flirting and feeling the spark that was so intoxicating. It had nothing to do with sex, or a desire to have sex. I was happy just where it was. The problem was letting my heart lead the way. I ""fell in love"" and that is what messed me up.<p>I dont think I am different than many people -- we all like to enjoy the spark around members of the other sex. It was that I crossed a line in my heart.<p>As for my wife not knowing, what could be gained by her knowing. Nothing is going to happen with me and this woman friend of mine

IT DOES NOT MATTER! You have already kept one affair from her that you don't even regret. This will happen again, you're not doing anything to prevent it. I am tired of banging my head against the wall, you only hear what you want to. Unfortunately, your wife doesn't even hear the truth. Sad

MM,<p>That which we WILL NOT acknowledge cannot be changed, hence you are doomed to repeat.<p>Jo

Who here remembers the Far Side comics? This reminds me of the one about what we say and what a cat hears. We have been offering the advice of telling his W, but all he seems to hear is, "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah........" <p>I agree with maggierose, we have been banging our head against a very thick wall! <p>I have said it before, and will say it again, my H kept his A's a secret for years, but they came out anyway! It only makes things harder when the W is going along like nothing has happened! It just keeps adding up, and you end up having so many A's you, yourself, become numb to the fact that what you are doing, whether your W knows it or not, is going to kill this M! It's not a matter of "what she doesn't know won't hurt her", cause in a very real way, it is already hurting her! Imagine my surprize when I thought things had actually been getting better, only to find out that I had been wrong about that time in our marriage! Yes, it was painful to find out, but we have survived both our mistakes, and are so much the better for it now!<p>I still say you should tell your W about BOTH A's and let her decide what she needs to do! She may surprize you and say that she still loves you and wants to repair this damage!<p>Maybe this will get through, and maybe not. I just hope that you heed the warnings you have received here, and take our advice to heart!

I am in my "high" now with my OM, so I completely understand where MM is coming from. However, I do appreciate the advice given on this thread. I am struggling emotionally with this and so is my H, as a result of my selfishness. <p>I am mustering up the strength to reveal the truth to him. <p>Thanks

The last post I could relate to becaues of talk of the high. I think the problem with telling a spouse comes when the person is either:<p>1. Caught -- Now they have to tell all. Busted.<p>2. Withdrawl -- The low feeling is terrible and they want to relieve that burden and so they tell. Their spouse realizes something has been wrong.<p>I think the danger is when you tell when you are in withdrawl. I think it is better to work through the feelings. Then, when it is over, and you are thinking clearly ask yourself this:<p>Who will be best served by telling? Will my spouse be devestated beyond repair? If the marriage is going well, if you have returned to be a good spouse there is no earthly reason to tell. All it does is spread pain

You are conveniently omitting the category my H and others are in:<p>They voluntarily tell their spouse because they HAVE A CONSCIENCE and they know it is the HONORABLE THING TO DO. They also RESPECT THEIR SPOUSE and appreciate their spouse's RIGHT TO KNOW and to be an EQUAL PARTNER in the relationship. And most important, they are committed to NEVER DOING IT AGAIN.<p>They are also FEARLESS enough to want to GROW UP and have a love BASED ON REALITY and not illusion and SELFLESS enough to want that for their spouse as well, and they understand that their spouse is A PERSON, a real-life human being, and not just something to be objectified and used as A PROP for their own pleasure.<p>Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, ad infinitum, ad nauseum.<p>Find your cojones.<p>[ March 28, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Well then MM ...<p>Live with your BIG secret, and with all the deceit and lies. Be a liar in your marriage and whatever you do, don't expect any less from your wife ... regardless of what it's about (i.e., Money, Faking Orgasms, Infidelity, Rearing the Kids).<p>Because after all, who makes the rules as to what species of lies can be told in this marriage of Secrets you're determined to maintain, right?<p>No double standard MM .... Fair is fair.<p>Jo<p>[ March 28, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mmseekingadvice:
<strong>Who will be best served by telling? Will my spouse be devestated beyond repair? If the marriage is going well, if you have returned to be a good spouse there is no earthly reason to tell. All it does is spread pain</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Translation:<p>I, MM, will be best served by not telling. My reflected self-image will be devastated beyond repair. I will no longer be able to control my spouse. If I'm faking it well enough and have her totally hornswaggled, there is no earthly reason for me to blow my cover. All it does is reveal me for who I really am, and THAT is something that scares the hell out of me.

Conqueror, you ROCK! Can't be said any more clearly than that.<p>I was interested in posting on this thread early on, but so many people had covered the issues so clearly that I kinda lost interest. Like a train wreck though, I had to keep coming back to watch.<p>Jeffers

mmsa,<p>You sound like you've never bothered to read the info on the web site. <p>I'll make it easy for you:<p>How Should Affairs End?<p>Halfway down in this article you will find a section on "Should an affair be revealed?"<p>In that section Dr. Harley must have quoted you:<p>"Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse."<p>You should read the entire Q&A about infidelity. We are only paraphrasing Dr. Harley, after all. We probably can't say it as well as he did, except for maybe, Conqueror.<p>Jeffers<p>[ March 28, 2002: Message edited by: jeffers ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mmseekingadvice:
<strong>I decided to start a new thread because two other posts spoke so clearly to me, that I wanted to combine what I want to say into a new post.<p>1. Someone asked what pain a WS feels. Although I was not 100 percent sure I was a WS -- you remember my story -- I totally related to the feelings mentioned of feeling guilt and withdrawl and pain.<p>The worst thing is knowing that you brought it on yourself, and you can't truly figure out how it happened. There is no one to talk with to help you find a way out of the pain. Reading the posts from other WS rang so true with me that it helped. The emotional pain of withdrawl is stronger than I ever would have believed. I remember sitting on a couch, overwhelmed with tears, thinking that I so needed this woman in my life. <p>And then you have to go on with the rest of your life -- being a good father and husband and worker, and you carry this emotional baggage whereever you go. One woman on there said it was not worth it. She is so right. What happened to me is that it slipped up on me slowly and before long, I was addicted. This stuff is stronger than booze because it involves your heart and head and body chemistry.<p>If any good comes out of any of this, it is the forced examination of who you are as a person.<p>2. There was another post on here about addiction or reality. I really related to that, too. There is nothing more powerful than the electricity with the OW. It wasn't real, it wasn't healthy, but in that moment nothing else in the world mattered.<p>If someone offers you a chance to have an affair, run. It isn't worth it. Forget, for a moment, the moral implications and the broken trust. Even if no one finds out about it, it is the more destructive form of self-torture out there. You live for the highs, which are wonderful. But then come the lows, which are terrible. Then you wait for the high again. The cycle takes over your life.<p>I am much better than I was a while ago. I have returned to the things in my life that I enjoy -- hobbies, etc and find that I am finding my way back. <p>One final thought -- I think an EA is far, far harder to get over than a PA</strong><hr></blockquote><p>MM, reading your experience is as if I wrote it myself. It is incredible how much I feel exactly as you do. I am a WS (and OW) trying deperately to get my life on track and feel happy again. My OM and I are trying to make a fresh start as friends only now that we no longer work together. (it took our company closing the location where we worked even though professionally we should have moved on but we stayed to see eachother everyday) It is the most painful experience I've ever been through so far in my life. I can really identify with the rollercoaster ride, I too was very high when I was with him and very, very low when I wasn't or when things between us weren't as I wanted them. Now, I can't stop thinking about him. It it like a black cloud is following me everywhere I go, in everything I do. We were soppose to see eachother this week (as friends only) but I backed out because my H is trying to get a project at home finished in time for the holiday gathering we are having and I actually felt guilty (this is a new one for me) leaving him home to do that while I was off meeting the love of my life. How did you get through the powerful withdrawal feelings? They are driving me over the edge and I think I might give in to them to ease the pain. I am coming out of an intense EA (6 years of our lives) and it seems that you feel the same way that I do so I would really appreciate your advice.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by weezy:
<strong>I am in my "high" now with my OM, so I completely understand where MM is coming from. However, I do appreciate the advice given on this thread. I am struggling emotionally with this and so is my H, as a result of my selfishness. <p>I am mustering up the strength to reveal the truth to him. <p>Thanks</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I don't understand why you would tell your H now if you are still with OM? Wouldn't that ruin your relationship with OM?
Also, does your OM have a spouse? If so, what if your husband calls her? I don't think I can tell my husband once I'm through Withdrawal from my very intense EA. One because I am too ashamed and second he may call my OM wife and ruin his life. I don't want to hurt my OM in any way.