I am having an awful time these past few days. I am 14 mos past D-day and still feeling like I have just gone through it again. My stbx left me for ow and now lives with her out west. I never saw him face to face after he told me about the A. He was in another country at the time he told me. I left him after several months of emotional abuse by telephone and email. please help me to understand the how's of it all...<p>How could he spend almost a decade with me, married almost half that time, and leave me for her?<p>How can he be in love with someone after 3 months?<p>How can he honestly be happy with this person, knowing how he treated me, and that their relationship is based on lies?<p>How can a person leave another and never look back?<p>Why can't I hate him like I want to? Believe me, I am sure he hates me! You know, I moved on with me life and have been living well...without him!<p>How can God let things like this happen to good people who love unconditionally?<p>Do WS ever think about what they lost?<p>When and how will I be past all this...I am so very tired....<p>thank you

Good questions....I wish I had all the answers.<p>Each of us may go through similar things but we never know how long. It depends on many factors.<p>As for why does God let this happen? Imagine how hurt He is right now. He gave us our own free will to make our own choices. Many times we make bad choices, but God still loves us and allows us to make those choices. <p>Dr Dobson has a book on the subject..When God doesn't make sense (something like that) We will never know the workings of God.<p>Keep reading and posting here. Ask God to help you through this. Read all that you can and work on yourself.<p>All of this is easier said than done, I know personally. But it is worth the effort.<p>God Bless

I wish I had answers for you...but I don't. Just wanted to let you know that I have been asking myself the same questions. Everyone says this will make me stronger, more confident.....there is supposed to be a light at the end of the tunnel...I hope they are right. Take Care Pat

truthiseek,
If you can get ANY WS to answer all those questions you would be the first to do so. I'm a WH married for almost 25yrs to a great woman and I haven't got a clue. Have you read "Surviving An Affair" by the Harley's? I am re-reading "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. These are good books. "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. Dobson can also help.
To hear that you are "moving on" is probably the best news here. You must deal with your hurt and anger. You may never know what made your H do this. You must look back at your marriage and try to see what went wrong and why. The books I mentioned can help answer some of your questions.
Stay strong and true to yourself!
Brw

[How could he spend almost a decade with me, married almost half that time, and leave me for her?] <p>According to MB it's because at the beginning of the A, the OW was meeting his EN's that weren't being me in the marriage.<p>
[How can he be in love with someone after 3 months?] <p>He's not in love. He's in an affair/addiction. <p>[How can he honestly be happy with this person, knowing how he treated me, and that their relationship is based on lies?]<p>He can't. In the short run he can block reality out, but when reality sets in then the lies and dishonesty will be staring both of them in the face.<p>[How can a person leave another and never look back?]<p>Guilt. Selfishness.<p>[Why can't I hate him like I want to? Believe me, I am sure he hates me! You know, I moved on with me life and have been living well...without him!]<p>Because you are a kind, compassionate person who loves her husband.<p>[How can God let things like this happen to good people who love unconditionally?]<p>Well, I have to agree with the free will analysis. Also, don't discount the power of prayer. And even if things don't change right away, remember that God works on His time and not ours, and that no may really be a not yet. Or God may have allowed this because there is something better out there for you. If your WH is going to choose sin then he's not the person you married, maybe God is saving you from a lifetimes of pain if He knows that your WH will never change.<p>[Do WS ever think about what they lost?]<p>I've heard that they do, but by the time they do the BS has usually moved on and having a great life without them.<p>[When and how will I be past all this...I am so very tired....]<p>I wish I could be more optimistic, but you are only in the initial stages of this. I'm in my 7th month of dealing with this and somedays I feel just like you. However Plan A is about working on yourself! It will take time, but if you have a good support group to get you through, then it helps. It also hekps to makes sure that you are praying, taking care of yourself, reading books on grief, anger ,forgiveness or seeing a counselor to help you deal with the situation.<p>Advice I received: take it one day at a time.<p>You'll get through this! Just don't try to handle it all at once - and give yourself a break! K<p>thank you

I just wanted to thank all of you for taking the time to respond to me. It really helps me alot when I get a different perspective on this whole thing I am experiencing. Just so everyone knows, my H was not at home when his affair began...he was in another country and nothing changed between us when we talked on the phone or sent emails or corresponded in any way. It was a total shocking surprise to me! He was even home for a few months on TDY and everything was pretty much normal. So, it wasn't that I was not meeting an EN of his...he chose to be with someone else while keeping his emotions for me on a continuous level! I only found out because her H threatened to tell me if my H didn't.<p>I tried everything to get my H to realize what he was doing to himself and to us. I went to therapy alone...he wouldn't come back to the US. I begged and cried and finally had enough and left him before he came back to the US. I found this site too late I believe! But, in all actuality, why should I walk on eggshells to keep a man that betrayed me, God, and himself to be with someone else's wife. I only could take so much before I threw in the towel. If he thought/thinks he will be happier with a woman who lacks morals and dignity and would cheat on her H with mine...then he can have her. I know that I would prefer to be alone and happy than with a cheating stranger!! Thanks again to all who responded. God bless.