This is my story...<p>D-Day was Sept 2000. I rode the emotional roller coaster for 13 months. In Oct of 2001 WH was ready to return to our marriage. At that time I was ready to walk away. I've become numb. Unknown to WH about my feelings, we celebrated Christmas and continued life together. <p>February 2002, I cheated. H doesn't know. Everytime I'm with OM, I tell him this is the last time. I don't love this man nor do I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but he is someone I can talk to. <p>I told H that I wasn't in love with him, but that I love him. I asked him to stay elsewhere several nights a week, so he stays with XOW. The 3 of us hang out together too. I'm still numb. <p>I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust another man or my H again. I'm not really interested in being attached to anyone. I want to be alone, do my own thing, leave the house get messy, go to bed at 7pm rather than later... I'm tired of accomadating my life for him. He spends money carelessly. Then complains to me about the bills. H is a compulsive b!***er. I'm skeptical about his love for me, I mean if I wouldn't have lost 70lbs would he still be with OW? If I wouldn't have landed a job making more than him would he still be with OW? <p>I'm still numb and confused. I need a vacation from life in general, but I can't for see any chances to get a break. <p>There is so many negatives to him, it makes me wonder if we really should stay together. He has hurt me so many times in our ten years together, by getting in trouble with the law and going out drinking all night with other women. But am I really giving him a fair shot here? He claims to be desperatly in love with me. I told him I want a divorce and he said "I would be devisdated if he lost me." Now he's riding the roller coaster. He told me "If I would have known that it hurts this much, I would have never done this to you"<p>I don't know if I'm doing the right thing here or is my numbness getting in the way?<p>Any advise or opinion would be appreciated...

MoM,
I don't know where you are at in the MB's program,but it would appear that your H has other problems to deal with in addition to the M.
Are you doing the right thing? How do you feel about it? Do you want it to work or are you too tired to try anymore. "Numbness" is normal I think from either side of the fence. You have EN's that are not getting met by your H and I'm not sure he can do for himself and you,too. Most of these situations have "unreal" realities in how they play out.
I hope someone can lend you more advice.
Brw

Just bumping it up...In search of answers....

My Own Me, first of all, there's another poster named myownme, so there may be some confusion with your name happening.<p>2 years ago I was wearing very similar shoes to you. H had had an 18 month PA. We were in our 7th separation, I served D papers and started to date a male friend. Between H's A being over, the divorce, the OM...my H realized that he wanted the marriage. I didn't think I did. Why would I? H couldn't make me any promises that he hadn't already broken more than once through the separations & continuing A. The new guy was nice.<p>You describe it very well. WAnting to be alone...but there's the OM, there's the H, you can't get away, you don't know what to do, but you can't continue doing what you are doing. I felt like a floor sander had been run through my chest and I was leaving bloody footprints....<p>I don't know if this will help, but I will tell you what I did. First, I stopped seeing the OM, really relunctantly, but, he actually made me stick to no contact for the first 2 months, then I wasn't divorced, so he cut off communications completely.<p>During that time, my H worked on himself, he was accountable to me, he didn't go to bars, he did go to our counselor, he gave me email & voice mail passwords, he joined a men's bible study, he set up a support system (I refused to be his support system anymore). About the time the OM contacted me 2 months later...I was believing my H's changes. We reconciled 5/00 after 2+ very bad years.<p>We are doing great. In love, happy. Still both accountable about our former OP and working together to make a good marriage.<p>It wasn't easy, but it isn't easy where you are.<p>My counselor always asked me, "If you could wave a magic wand, what would your life be like? Can you life be like that? How would you get there?"<p>You seem to be saying it in your post. You're telling the OM you want it to end. You're telling your H you love him...but you need to see some changes. His changes won't mean much to you if you are still seeing the OM. And, as for your H staying at the OW's house, that is very likely to re-start or continue their affair.<p>So, if H is really ernest about ending the A, no more contact with the OW. And cripes, if she slept with your H, she's no friend of yours.<p>If you want to give your marriage a change...you can do that.<p>Of course, you don't have to change a thing, but you sound very unhappy with how you are living your life. You can't control your H or the OM or the OW, the only person you can control is you.