I am trying to start counselling with the Harleys this week and will talk to them about this. Until then, I thought I would post to get some of your reactions. Thanks for helping.<p>My wife has been sleeping at her parents house for the past 2 months as a way of "seperation" to sort things out. She sees a counselor about every other week or so, but no one sees any changes in her thoughts or behavior. I have seen her cell phone bills and she talks to OM during all hours of the night, especially when he is on business trips. That way his wife doesn't know and her parents are asleep so they don't know either.<p>I wonder if maybe I should move out now and let her move back in. The reasoning behind this is it might get her to realize what life would be like to be a single mom. Especially now since we are trying to sell our house, she would have to keep it cleaned up in case someone wanted to have a tour with minimal notice. She isn't a clean freak so I think it would be difficult but I am also afraid that she will be able to handle things on her own. If the latter happens, then my plan has backfired and it will definitely reinforce her belief that she doesn't want to be married.<p>I just feel that the way things are right now, she still isn't wanting to work on the marriage and it is difficult to move forward until she totally seperates from OM. I want to tell his wife too but that might be considered a major LB in my wife's mind. OM has no pressure from his family to end A and so he can continue without the same pain as my wife feels. <p>She is confused and maybe the time alone back at our house with the kids will bring her out of the fog. I know OM, he is my boss, and he will definitely not help her with household and kid duties. I have been doing everything around the house during my plan A. She still just comes and goes as she wishes since I am here for the kids. How do I put boundries up on that without sounding controlling?<p>Is there something else I can do besides move out? She won't move back if I'm here because she feels smothered and she won't give me the opportunity to show her otherwise.

Stay. Stay. Stay.<p>Maybe you need a different plan of attack.<p>Why do you let her just come and go as she pleases? She technically 'left', and you are the one there with the kids all night. I think you have been a great dad through this, and maybe it is time for her to see what it is like to be a single mom without custody of her children.<p>I'm totally not saying to freeze her out of their life. That would just be stupid. But what I am saying is since she doesn't want to be a full functioning member of the family maybe you need to treat her as such.<p>It's 1am, so I'm not going to pick thru my emails for some info, but doesn't she work too? Maybe you need to tell her that she can't just waltz in and out of the house. It really isn't that good for the kids anyway. Set up a visitation schedule and see what she has to say about it. You as I remember are the primary caretaker of the children, and she is not contributing to the family, so it might be worth thinking about.<p>Elizabeth

No one can really answer those questions but YOU. I will share what i did...and the jury is still out on it will work. <p>D-Day was 9 months ago...I plan "A"'d for 6 1/2 months and she was entirely in "Cake eating mode"...wouldn't give him up and lied to me all the time about it. She started talking about seperation, but wanted to do it outside the courts. <p>I decided to give her a "special" Valentine present....DIVORCE papers. I decided it was time to protect #1 and his 3 kids. I filed, took the kids out of the house and when she got home on Valentines day....it was just me. I told her i filed, that there was a re-straining order on her...that she had to leave...that i had custody of the kids.....etc. She didn't have a clue ANY of it was coming..IT ROCKED HER WORLD. <p>So i have the house and the kids and she pays ME support for them. I am very good to her to let her have them on her days off etc....but they are primarily with me. She agreed to this temporary order...didn't even try to fight for the kids..I think deep down she knows right now they are best with me...and she's right.<p>It might work out with her..it might not...but i protected ME and the kids. I am trying to move on with my life...she sees it and is questioning herself now. She seems to be reaching out some...but i don't bite at those incidents.<p>I quit chasing and told her so..if she wants ME...i told her she knew where i would be. I was done chasing, spying, snooping...do whatever you want to do...i don't CARE !!! <p>That's what i did...but you have to be READY for that move and only YOU know the answer to that. If it don't work....you will end up divorced. <p>Good luck and first and foremost..take care of YOU and your kids.

On a side note, does the OM's wife know what is going on? From what I read, it does not seem so. If she does not, she SHOULD be told. She deserves to know the truth just as much as you do.<p>I would contact her and let her know and then leave it alone. If she wishes to maintain a dialogue with you about what is going on or about what you know, then you can decide from there just how much you want to share.<p>Your wife will likely not like your actions but affairs survive on secrecy. The light of day is very harmful to most affairs.

I moved out for a while when my H was in the 'fog.' Biggest mistake I made. It gave him all the comforts of home and made it easier to continue his A with my best friend (who conveniently lived next door). He lied about the A for 6 years, I just found out 8 mos ago. The worst part was he brought her into MY HOUSE and MY BED while I was gone. Here I thought I was working to save our marriage and he was digging himself in deeper with her. Now I don't even like living here and have had to spend lots of time and money redoing our upstairs so we can sleep in another room. I would NEVER leave here again. If he wanted out, I'd tell him to leave.

MT,<p>Whatever you do, do NOT leave!!! Under no circumstances. She left, let her stay out. As JTW said, let her see what it's like to be a single mom WITHOUT her kids. If anything, I would encourage her to find a place of her own, not stay with her parents.<p>sad dad

Thanks for the replies. It is difficult for her to move into her own place because we don't have that extra money yet. We have our house for sale but no offers yet. Once the house sells, I will get my own place and she plans on moving in with her parents. Currently she just sleeps there, all her stuff is still at our house. Her parents won't tell her she can't stay with them. Part of her problems for a long time are that her parents are too nice and willing to help anyone out anytime. I'm not going to ask them to do anything.<p>As for a visitation schedule, got any suggestions since she doesn't have her own place? Should her time only be at our house or only at her parents? I want the kids to sleep in their own beds every night but is that LB'ing if she wants them to have a "sleep over" with her at their grandparents house? We are on spring break this week so WW is off work as well and spending the days at our house. It's still her house too, she says, so what am I to do? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

My quick vote:<p>Do NOT leave.<p>And, tell the OM's W about the affair, but anonymously.<p>Jo

I'm with Resilient,
My quick vote is stay in your house and TELL OM W.<p>I’m sure Steve is going to tell you that also.

He’s your Boss? !! that stinks, are you afraid to get fired if you tell? If so have no fear, if ever there was a case for wrongful termination that would be it. I would hang that guy out to dry. You realize all you have to do is go to his boss and I’d say he would be terminated by the end of the day. No company wants a law suit like the one you have in your pocket.<p>Just my 2 cents<p>oz