(This is a repost because it was recommended I move)
Hi, I am new to this site but what a blessing to find an area where I can talk to others who understand what is like to find out your spouse cheated on you. My H had a 3 month affair with a co-worker. I learned of this the end of October 2001. He travels weekly, usually Monday through Thursday. The initial pain was unbearable but the realization that I did love him made me want to work through the affair as well as for our 3 year old girl and 7 year old boy who adore their father. H stated he wanted to stay in the marriage, he promised never to contact her again. One month later he arranged to meet her supposedly to say goodbye and now I believe he never stopped talking to here. I told him that was unacceptable and was ready to leave at this time, but he send her and me and email stating they would not see each other. We tried a counselor, who said I should leave him (not good uh); then I bought the book "Can this Marriage Survive an Affair." What a wonderful book. It helped me so much understand how affairs can happen as well related to what others were going through. I asked my husband to read, but he did not. After 4 months of what I thought was a wonderful time, leading us to the right direction, romantic dinners, passionate love making, taking time to talk about issues. He contacted her again and had arranged to meet her. I find all this out because I am pretty good with computers and ladies and men, there is so little you can not find out.
The problem: I gave so much of myself the first time, I was still struggling with the haunting images and the infliction on feelings of inadequadies that this just got me to the point of anger and numbness. I meet with a lawyer to discuss seperation. Meantime, H did read the book and has asked to work through the appendices together. We are using as our "bible to marriage." He also said that he realizes life would be harder without me then trying to work out how we can best meet each others emotional needs. 2 problems: HOW TO LET GO OF THE IMAGES ASSOCIATED WITH AN AFFAIR? HOW TO LET GO OF THE ANGER? AND HOW TO WORK ON MEETING HIS NEEDS WHEN I FEEL SO HURT...AS IF HE SHOULD BE THE ONE MAKING IT UP TO ME. My world, how I view it, has forever changed. I am so terrible now that we start talking about his needs, I bring up the past...or why then did you do this...
Understand, he is a great husband..normally and this affair was a big shock. I just wonder if I can really make him happy and meet his needs and I can't take the chance of being hurt like this again.
Thanks for listening
Little addition: Happened again, one thought, picture leads to bad day!
[img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

TL,
You are NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL.
The only way to get over the anger is to go through it - sorry I know you were hoping for more.
Lots of WS have trouble with the final disconnect from the OW.
The images will slowly leave.
Oh how unfair it is, he screwed up and you have to do all the work!!!! TRUE (for now)
You are doing the right things,it just will take time. Have you read all the stuff here? I can also recommend "torn Assunder"
You are not alone

thatslife,<p> If you think your H is ready, maybe you both can read "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley. It might help in giving your H some tools to make you feel better by meeting your emotional needs. As for the images, well, they take their sweet time to fade, I'm afraid. I still have them, but they are not so hurtful and don't happen so often lately. Its been 6 months now since d-day, and a lot has happened since then but now we are in recovery and both of us are working to build a better relationship. I guess I finally have some acceptance that I can't change the past, but I can do something about today.<p>It stinks, it hurts terribly, its the worse thing to ever happen to most people, there's nothing like it. It will fade with time, I promise. Right now it feels like you can't survive that long, I know but you will, you are strong! You're still there, aren't you? Post on this website and read. Get yourself some books on affairs, infidelity. I know, it seems like its you that has to do all the work. It will help if he will plan A you in return to make up for some of the pain he has caused, but only you can wrestle with the demons inside.

Everything you are feeling is 100% normal. This will be the hardest thing you will ever face. But yes, it can be done. Unfortunately, there are thousands of us BS's to prove it. <p>I thought my life ended when my H had what he claimed was an EA with my ex best friend. It was horrible. We ended up separating for 9 mos. She was also our neighbor, his best friend's wife, and an employee. Her H was his partner. He almost lost his business over this also. So I had to sit here and see his car parked in her driveway with no lights on in the house and her H out of town. Nice considering I was her matron of honor 6 mos before!<p>My H was willing to give up anything to be with her. Well, we separated for 9 mos and with lots of counseling, prayer, reading, etc. we got back together. It did take about a year from his 1st feelings until they really died I believe. It took me about 18 mos to really feel 'better.' In the meantime, she blamed me and our friendship was destroyed.<p>Well, guess what? 6 YEARS later in counseling it came out that they had lied all along. It was a sexual affair, including in MY HOUSE and MY BED which has almost destroyed me. They had sex in her car, at her house, made out in our office (where her H could have walked in at any time) and were in my bed. I have had to spend $2000 to get a new bed and redo our upstairs so we can sleep in my old sewing room. <p>So now the 'healing' starts all over again. Like you, I feel very resentful. I feel like the past 6 years were all based on a huge lie. He's all relieved and 'has done his job' by telling me (but was actually forced to, didn't want to...said he promised HER he'd never tell. Can you believe it?) So he's almost done with counseling again and I'm a wreck. I was doing better on antidepressants but had to quit them when I got pregnant.<p>What has helped me the most?
1. Having a christian counselor who believes in miracles
2. making a support network of friends
3. Prayer
4. The book Torn Asunder
6. The article "Shattered Vows" at findarticles.com
7. TIME (this is the hardest part)<p>I know how hard it is, but it can work out. It really helped my H when he read the article and book. He finally understood that I had to express my hurt and he HAS to see it. This helps to prevent future affairs. In the grand scheme of things it does feel very one sided as far as he does the crime, I do the time and all of the hard work. But I guess that's just the way it is. He hasn't shed one tear through any of this (and he is an emotional person) but he cried like a baby over her. <p>I know God will take care of us and that I'll be glad I stayed. But like you I have very bad days. Good luck and prayers to you