Have not posted for a while but I got a question. D-day for me was 12/12. I found MB 2 weeks later and have been in plan A ever since. I walk the line between being a "I will do everything for you " husband and someone who genuinely took a step back and is trying to correct the things that he did not like about himself. I am starting to see some of the benefits. She tells me how "wonderful" I have been toward her and that she "needs time to figure out what the heck she is doing". I take these as positive signs.<p>Her A is with someone that is connected through her work, apparently his responsibilities bring him there 2-3 times a week. Plenty to re affirm the love for an EA. .I was advised early on not to bring up him or the A. Proceeding with plan A had nothing to do with either so it did not matter. What about now? As I get closer to 4 months I start asking myself what it is going to take to pull off a plan B. With 3 kids all under 7 the logistics alone is a nightmare. I need to make the most informed decision. I need more information. How do I find out how she feels about him now as compared to 4 months ago. As someone who was betrayed in such a way what kind of right do I have to ask such questions. I believe I have the right but how do I go about getting it I refuse to be afraid of the truth, that is part of the reason I got into this in the first place. For as much as I have been learning it is amazing how I don't have a clue what is going on in her head. If I had a clue I think I could answer my own questions. I hate the fog! Anyway how can I approach this? Any suggestions? Is it possible to even get the truth from her, if not what are the options?<p>I feel like the decision to plan B will be the biggest one of my life. I am up on the mis-application of plan A and am taking it into consideration. I am trying to balance that against apparent progress we have been making. I am totally missing one piece of the puzzle. What is up with the two of them.

Well Sir in my opinion (which some will have many comments about) at 4 months you should be able to get some direction from your W. The way to ask however is the delicate issue.
Can you send the kids somewhere for a few hours? Or get a babysitter and go some place private? NOT a restuarant! Someplace where screaming and yelling won't be overheard. And someplace within walking distance of home in case one of you needs to walk home to cool off?
Actually getting a babysitter and WALKING from home is a good thing. Being out in public like that keeps most people from getting stupid. (I speak from experiance)
You do need to know where the A is right now, at 4 months past D-day. You need to know where she is. Take note here. This isn't about you. It's about her. Where is she?
When you find that out it's about you. What are you going to do with the information? How strong is YOUR love. What are YOU going to do to change things? And in which direction?
Really it comes down to us, the betrayed spouses. How much Agape do we have and how will we use it?
You have every right to the last piece of the puzzle. Do what ever you have to do to get that piece. But do it with love and kindness. Not out of hate or anger. And God be with you. It's an ugly road we go down.

If she wants you she needs to split from her job and stay away from the OM for ever. Is this OM really looking for a woman with three little kids. You have every right to know what's going on between them. They eather want each other or she wants you she needs to make a choice. You need to be strong and pray fro the truth. You might as well know now so you can get on with the rest of your life with her or not. I hope for your sake you get what you really need.

ineedabreak,<p>You are at a delicate point in this. You are starting to run out of reserves and apparently you have done a very good Plan A. The next step is a Plan B, where W gets to figure out things without your help.<p>Personally, I would suggest to you that you talk with one of the Harley's about this. You haven't mentioned counseling and I think this would help. However, as has been mentioned by many that have used the Harley's they don't so much counsel you as "coach" you through this.<p>I do think it is appropriate that you inquire about your W's status and the status of the A. Note, I said her status. In many ways that is more important than the A itself. My guess is that since she is having her cake and eating it as well, she isn't in a hurry to make a decision, becuase then she faces a lot of pain no matter her decision. You can see why fence sitting seems a better alternative.<p>Part of Plan B is to move the situation from equilbrium and provide some new energy to the problem. It often resolves the situation.<p>I haven't read many of your posts but I do hope you have been spending as much time as possible with your children. One, of the single most effective things a father does to meet W's needs is be a good father. If you feel there is room for more improvement there, do this rather than worry about W.<p>I see nothing wrong with you talking to your W about this. Enough time has pasted that I suspect that you can keep your side of the discussion calm and you know enough now to see what the drill is. Sadly, it is pretty much the same in all of these cases. <p>One thing you need to do is set some boundaries. If you feel your W has been taking advantage of you with respect to the kids or throwing things in your face, boundaries set with calm and clarity are good things.<p>As for Plan B, here is where I think coaching from the Harley's would help. If you choose not to do that, then start laying out a plan: who leaves (preferably her, but it can be you, check with a lawyer), how do you exchange the children? (use an intermediary for communication or email, also if you have relatives near use them for the exchange point), how do you know it will work? (you don't, but you need to do it before you just plain don't care).<p>There is a saying posted here on someones thread. I believe it is from Weisman (sp) "The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference."<p>You want to do Plan B before you are indifferent and it won't hurt much. At that point YOU won't have what it takes to rebuild the marriage.<p>I wish I could offer you a concrete plan or a definitive answer to your questions. But, hopefully something I have said will help.<p>God Bless,<p>JL