I'm looking for a little advice to see if I'm handling this the right way. My H was have a EA with a OW at work, I found on on 2/16/02 by calling her H. They had since stopped all contact and we have been working at restoring our Marriage. My H had decided that his whole life was bad, (bad marriage, bad job, bad kids) and doesnt know what he wants. I have been Plan A'ing and things seemed to be going better. So to make a long story short - Last night I found an email he sent the OW yesterday, it was basically a Hi - I miss you email but still! I freeked out, pulled him into the computer room and asked him what the heck was going on? He said that it was a weak moment and that it meant nothing. That she had just been looking so sad at work he was worried about her. <p>At that point I lost it - Told him that I could handle his depression, I would stand by him while he figured out what he wanted in life but I was NOT going to stand by and let him have a relationship with a OW while we were working on repairing our marriage. I told him to leave and he refused. I asked why? This is what you want - You want me to get so mad that I kick you out. but he still refused. So I said fine- you have a choice to make - you either participate fully in trying to make this marriage work or get out because I was done. His one issue with me is that i had gained some weight in the past few years and he wants me to lose it and i have lost 30 pounds in the past 2 months (since all this started) and have been going to the gym 3 days a week. but if I'm going to do this for him than I need more from him - like kisses, hand holding, and hugs. He told me that he would let me know. So... we goto bed and he leans over and gives me a kiss with the comment "Baby Steps". and this morning he gives me a hug goodbye. Then he calls me at lunch to tell me that the email that he sent OW never made it to her and when I asked how he knew - he said that he went to ask her to just delete it and that he had a weak moment but she said that she had never gotten it. Ok, so tell me - am I doing the right thing? He told me again on the phone that he doesnt know what he wants and he will let me know when he decides.<p>HELP ---- I'm so confussed! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

I sure hope that one of them will get a different job. It makes recovery so much harder. My H went as far as finding his OW another job to get her out of his office. He knew it was the only way we stood a chance. I heard from other employees how she (my former best friend) cut her hair, starting dressing nicer, wearing make-up, etc. to entice him. But she swears NOTHING happened when now I know it was a PA. <p>I don't blame you for being upset. He can't sit on the fence here. It's you or her, period. Good luck and don't give up, I know you can do it.

MaggieRose -<p>Thank you for the support - its so hard to know whats right or wrong. I want to make this work and by telling him to make a choice - it scares me to death. My counslor seems to think I did the right thing - Now all I can do is wait and see.....

RD - I think you did good. To snap me back into reality it took my husband (BS) to be straight, honest, and to the point (like you were) and say it's this or I'm done. Well, it did the trick, and now I am a much happier person and about 8 months into rebuilding my marriage. I am glad he did it the way he did. He forced me to choose, and I broke free from the lies I was living to grow and better myself with my husband and in our marriage. I think you did good. I wish you the best.

I also tried to kick my H out back in January, and he refused, too. Fortunately, he got laid off, or I would have lost it earlier than I did. I agree with Dr. Harley that continued contact in any form will impede, if not completely rule out, recovery. If my H had continued to refuse to give up that job or he had not gotten laid off, I would have gone to court to get him out. And to me, even your H going over to ask the OW to delete the Email sucks the big one.<p>To me, it's not even so much the chance of reignition of the A that makes it so unacceptable, but more about recognizing the seriousness of the damage done and respecting the BS and the M enough to do something about that. I just have no patience left for any of that waffly stuff, and I didn't wait for my H to "let me know". When he refused to move out, I got the court papers and started filling them out so I could get a judge to ORDER him out.<p>I was about halfway through filling them out before he "let me know", but had he not done that I would have stayed on course and filed the papers the following day. I was through with being a member of a harem. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

I have always felt that if we allow someone to have their cake and eat it too, then that's exactly what will happen. I tend to disagree with this stuff about doing EVERYTHING to make the WH happy while still allowing them to have an A on you. I think the doing "everything" (no LBs, fulfilling ENs) ought to be done without the OW in the picture. In my case the A was over before I found out about it. But I would NEVER have allowed him to live under my roof, sleep in my bed etc. if I had known there was a OW. He would have been sent packing, even if it meant him going off with her. I know this is marriage builders, but marriages are not built with 3 people in them!! Marriage is a 2 person endeavor!!
For the record, my WH still works with the OW. It has slowed recovery in that I have to continually deal with the issue of "what went on at work today." Some days are better than others. Some days he's not around her much. Some days he comes home and makes it very clear to me that I'm the only one. But then somedays, probably because he has projects to take care of, he comes home and is not as attentive as I may need, and the 1st thing that goes through my mind is "Is he thinking about her?" THIS MAY SLOWLY DRIVE ME MAD! I've talked to him about it, and as long as it bothers me, I'll continue to talk to him about it. It is only when he knows how I feel that he can work at helping me not feel that way.<p>It sounds like your WH really wants to end the A, he just needs some guidance. We went and spoke to a pastor. He may need someone besides you to tell him that he must have absolutely no contact with her. He may think you are suggesting it out of jealousy. He may think he can handle her and any situation that might arise. He needs to realize that this may not be the case, and he's risking a marriage to a wonderful person if he slips up.<p>My prayers to you.

Ok - So last night he says nothing - went to bed, did nothing, left for work today - nothing. I jsut needed something to let me know he cares. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] So do I ask him what his decision is or do I let it slide through the holiday? My H is reading HNHN and didnt do the EN questions but did look at them and sort of answer them verbally to me. I know these are good things but I worry about what he is doing every minute. Even to the point that I asked our daughter what they did yesterday when he was home with her? (she was sick). My counslor thought I did the right thing and from the sounds of it so do most of you but the hard part is sticking with it - Your right, I'm tired of being his doormat, and I told him that but I then I panic and think - am I doing the right thing?

I know there are going to be bad days and good days but they bad ones just make everything seem so bad- All I feel like doing is crying - and cant seem to stop myself. I called my H at lunch today - Had no reason, Just needed to hear his voice but do you think he could be nice to me.. no, he was a [censored] and cut me off. Of course I was nice as pie to him and it killed me. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on pretending that this is ok. I love him and want this to work ; [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Boy, do I remember those days. It's true, there are bad days and good days. Try to make the good ones as good as you can, and try to make the bad ones as good as you can too. This is a serious rollercoaster of emotion.<p>Try not to look at this as though you're a doormat. You're taking the high road here. You're trying your best to preserve your marriage, and that's a goal worth fighting for. And look at the good things - he's reading HNHN, he verbally answered the EN's questions. I know how hard it is to not get reassurance, but that's a HUGE thing compared to what most of the BS's around here are getting. At one point I would have almost chewed off my leg to get my xw to fill out an EN worksheet. If you really, really want him to come back to you and commit, you need to show him that it's emotionally safe for him to do that. That's plan A, and it's all about you and what you can do to improve yourself regardless of what he's doing. You've done a great job so far, it sounds like. Keep being nice.<p>As far as specific advice goes:<p>

• Don't ask your kids to fill you in on what he's doing
• Don't pretend, BE a more attractive alternative
• Find ways to make yourself happy so he sees you as more attractive
• Don't be needy
• Don't bring up relationship talks or push him for a decision

<p>Plan A is for you to eliminate LB's and meet whatever EN's he will allow you to meet.<p>If possible, try and get in a counseling session with the Harleys. I talked to Jennifer for about a year altogether and she's great. Others here have talked to Steve and they say he's great too. It really helps to get professional guidance and fine-tune your approach.<p>Can't think of anything else right now, but good luck. Again, it sounds like you're doing the right things and he's at least trying.

Well He gave me his answer last night - He wants to stay with us and try to make it work but all he can promise me is that he is going to "Try" - I look at this as a good thing. I cant ask for more, can I? I told him that I'm willing to stand by him through anything as long as he has NO contact with OW and if he does and I find out (and I will find out) then I'm done - Ok - so here is todays question, is this too hard of a line to take? We are getting along good, talking most of the time, he is making an effort to tell me about his counsling appointments so I know whats going on and I believe he is being honest with me - all of this is good! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] He is still telling me that he has no idea what he wants, and is not sure that being married to me is the right thing for me - How can a man after being married for 10 years and 2 children come to think this way - If he wasnt only 32 I would honestly think he is having a MLC - is it possiable at 32? I mean he wants to change his job, get a 2 door car (getting rid of my mini van) get a new tatoo, go back to school, get a motorcycle, go sky-diving, re-join the Military reserves - ok so some of these things aren't all bad but give me a break. I got home from the gym last night and our 8 year old was in bed crying - she wanted to know if Daddy was going back to the "Army" and she didnt want him to because what would happen if he died. So I told him about it and he got mad! Saying she is too sensitive and he just wasnt going to talk to her anymore. - 4 months ago those words or thoughts would have never crossed his mind. Does something just snap inside there heads to make them start thinking so differently?