I've noticed things lately when talking to my H. Here are some examples<p>Me - My leg is really hurting today
H - What do you want me to do for you?<p>Me - I burned the potatoes
H - Want me to make some macaroni and cheese?<p>Me - I have to be in 3 places tonight at the same time
H - How can I help?<p>Me - I need to rearrange the things in the garage for Goodwill to pick up
H - What would you like my help moving?<p>Me - We need to communicate more about these things that are bothering me (hang up calls, questions about his A, my needs, his needs etc.)
H - I can't help you. I don't know what to say.<p>Why do men always feel the need to fix things unless it's something they broke? In this instance he broke my heart, my soul and my trust and yet it's the only thing he never offers help with. Any ideas on this?

He doesnt know what to say. Tell him what you need him to say.

sadprincess thanks for the reply. I have told him. D-day was a little over 9 months ago and in the first few months I asked, begged, pleaded, screamed, cried, begged some more and then demanded that he tell me everything. Of course none of that worked. I left it alone for a while and recently I started a new Plan A with a 180 twist to it. He is responding to this but he still will not discuss anything that i really need to know. Those questions are met with a resounding chorus of I don't know's.<p>Last night we went to see the movie Blade II and half way through the movie I realized something interesting. When we were driving home I said to him "I have finally figured out what is the very core of a man". He laughed and said ok tell me. I told him that at their core men have this need to save women, to fix things, to make everything ok. They want to be Blade, Superman, Spiderman, James Bond, Batman etc. Those are all "hero's". Yet when they can be a hero (such as explaining their A's) they don't know how to react because their mission is to fix things.<p>He agreed that I was right to some extent and asked me what is the core of a women. I said love is what most women are about. I explained that I want to be loved and love in return. I want to be able to be vulnerable to him and know that I can trust that he would never hurt me (again). He kind of just laughed it off but I know he heard me.<p>I guess that's what got me to thinking about why he can't or won't "rescue" me from this hell he's put us into. Maybe I'm way off base but that's just the way I see it.

It is a natural tendency. In male to male relationships, we typically do not share unless we are seeking advice. Men do not typically share with other men for the purposes of simpathy and empathy. Women tend to be just the opposite.<p>The solution is simple. Tell him what you want him to do. It will feel very akward to him for awhile (as it is not natural) but he will likely adapt.<p>-Can't expect us to change unless you let us know what you want.

TD, you really should read John Gray's Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. These are exactly the differences Gray talks about, and more.

TD
Maybe he thinks he is saving you by not telling you. Let him know your imagination is worse than real life. He has already cheated on you the details wont hurt as bad as the realization of the betrayal.

Tiny,<p>I think SP hit the nail on the head, and also by revealing that stuff it forces him to face how NOT a hero he is, and THAT is the probably the core of it. SNL said that about his disclosure--that at first it was about not wanting to hurt his W, but when he got really honest with himself, he knew it was really more about his not wanting to deal with being the CAUSE of her pain. It was really about him, and isn't all of this about the WS to the WS? At least from the beginning until insight and empathy come along?<p>I personally envy you that he at least offers to help with all that other stuff. I'd probably fall over in a dead faint if that happened here. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>And I agree with SP about the details. Try this context: When it comes to such a major betrayal as an A, there's no such thing as, well at least he didn't betray me this way or that way. Kind of like if you're pregnant, you're pregnant--there's no such thing as being a little bit pregnant. If you're betrayed, you're betrayed--the details don't make it any less or more of a betrayal because it already is what it is.<p>It really is a gross error in judgment for a WS to think that hiding the details in any way diminishes the impact because it has the opposite effect. That article, "Shattered Vows" (by Shirley Glass, available at www.findarticles.com )that was mentioned on another thread had a great description of the importance of it:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>There is almost always a wall of secrecy around the affair; the primary partner does not know what's happening on the other side of that wall. In the affair, there is often a window into the marriage, like a one-way mirror.<p>To reconstruct the marriage, you have to reverse the walls and windows--put up a wall with the affair partner and put up a window inside the marriage. Answering a spouse's questions about what happened in the affair is a way to reverse the process. It's a matter of who's on the inside and who's on the outside. Sometimes people will open windows but not put up walls. Sometimes they will put up walls but don't open the windows. Unless you do both, you cannot rebuild safety and trust in the marriage. <hr></blockquote><p>Isn't that a great analogy? And if I recall correctly, your M has not gotten that wall between your H and the OW, and you're not getting that one-way mirror window on the A and the OW, so it's no wonder you don't feel safe in your M. Maybe you can ask him if he WANTS you to feel safe in your M.<p>I'm planning to do another 180: Since I've given my H this comfort zone for 2 months of never mentioning the A or our M, I'm going to 180 that and start asking my questions (I have a whole notebook full of them!) regardless of his response. Don't know what will happen, but I'm tired of being mired in this alone, and I need to get out of my comfort zone of avoiding confrontation.<p>If I actually get brave enough to do it, I'll let you know if it makes me feel any better. I don't plan on trying to convince him of why he needs to tell me everything and all that that I tried in the past. My plan is to just ask a question every once in a while or actually state out loud something I'm feeling in response to a trigger.<p>It would be great if he actually cooperated, but my primary goal is to train myself to do it regardless of his response. I want to become more differentiated and be able to "hold onto myself in close proximity to my partner", which is what I'm currently reading about in that book Passionate Marriage. Also, how to nurture and soothe myself when he fails to do it.

Thanks for the replies.<p>Mr. Bunky why are you men that way? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I have told him until I'm blue. I believe he's afraid of hurting me by telling the entire truth. <p>Eddystone thanks. I called my sister and she has the book. I'm going to borrow it tonight.<p>sadprincess I think you are right on target. I think he feels he's protecting me. He can't understand that anything he says I have already seen much too vividly in my thoughts and dreams.<p>Conqueror yes what a wonderful analogy that is and yes you are right about my H and I. I read your posts often and I gain strength from them because I see you are a true "conqueror" and a survivor. You are truly an inspiration.

SADPRINCESS GETTING UP FROM FLOOR!!!!
Did Conquerer just say I was right??????
[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

I thought I ALWAYS said you were right! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I may do some yeah-buts sometimes, but I still think you're right most of the time. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] or mostly right all of the time? Something like that anyway. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]