It has been 3 months since D-day. WH still works with OW, but has avoided contact as much as possible. They went 3 months without a conversation about the A, and then she cornered him. He kept it brief and to the point. She would like to resume (even though she says it won't happen again), but he has made it clear it is over. He and I are both trying very hard to fulfill ENs and things are going better than wonderful.
Here's my question:<p>How do you deal with the uncertainties that your spouse having an A brings into your life? All my life I've had things that were certain. My family was always together, my extended family was always stable etc. I thought my marriage was one of these things too. That my H and I would grow old together. Now the future is blurry. I am not used to handling uncertainties like this. I may feel like today is fine, but I need more than that. WH reassures me when I discuss it with him, and that helps, but if any of you have dealt with this or had counseling with this, I'd love your input.

You have to find the certainty, security and trust within yourself. So far, you've counted on all those things outside yourself to keep your world stabilized. On another thread, someone told about how she couldn't trust her H, but she could work on trusting herself to handle whatever happens in the future.<p>This really changes our world in so many ways, and we have to start building solid ground underneath ourselves that isn't dependent on any rugs others can pull out from underneath us. We have to find the strength within ourselves to accept that someone else against our will can alter our future. There really is no certain protection against that. It can happen anytime and in so many ways. So, we have to learn how to be the stabilizing force in our own lives.

None of us have more than today. You can have hopes for your future, but you don't have any guarantees and plans...well, may not work out.<p>You can worry all you want, but it won't change a thing. If your spouse chooses to cheat again, they may do so. All the crying...or trust...or courage on the part of the BS won't change that.<p>The WS cannot change one thing that they did in the past. Nor can you, if you harbor some regrets about past behavior, you can apologize, but you can't NOT have done it. Sometimes the BS bascially wants the WS not to have had the A or the bad behavior. That is futile thinking.<p>The OP as co-worker is a tough situation and vulnerable to resuming the A. If the job is unavoidable, he won't change, then you have to work within that, knowing you don't have an optimal situation.<p>He should not initiate personal conversations. If she does, he should do as it sounds like he did, say it is over. <p>Is your H being accountable? Behaving trustworthily? Those are his jobs at this point. Calling you a couple times a day, quick visits or lunch if possible may help you. Do you have his email & voicemail passwords for work?<p>Saying it takes time isn't much comfort, but as time goes by, if your H is doing the right things, you will feel less anxious. A few months on anti-depressants and/or seeing a counselor can help as well.

I know many of you have done and have needed to do the medication thing, but no thanks, I'll pass. If I can't be happy in reality, then I'll change situations around myself, not medicate myself. I don't want my reactions to life clouded by meds. <p>WH is trying to do everything right. He does not initiate conversations with her, and as soon as the opportunity presents itself, he plans to transfer. These things take time though as tranfers are not always available. <p>Zorweb, thanks for your insight (you too Lor). What you say is so true and if I keep in my mind that I can only control what I do, it helps. But it seems sometimes I run into that brick wall that says "I want to know with certainty what tomorrow holds." [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Jamup,
Anti-deps aren't so much "happy pills" as re-balancing actual brain chemicals that long-term anxiety and depression have imbalanced. Depression is a medical problem that in many cases can be helped or even alleviated with proper medication.<p>Not doing so is certainly your choice, and perhaps right for you. But some of us changed our circumstances, our lives, our exercise, and anti-deps were still needed. I was clouded and near-non functioning because of reality, meds gave me clarity.<p>Just my view.

Believe me! You need no medications...he might, though???? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]