Have any of you been blamed for your H/W affair? Did they try to pull the old, "if you had done A, B or C, then this wouldn't have happened"? Or, "you didn't show me enough love/give me enough sex, etc."?<p>Do you believe it? I don't. I think each person is responsible for their own actions, regardless of what the spouse did or didn't do. I don't care if they withheld sex for a year, what the WS should have done was get a divorce if the problem couldn't be solved. THEN he/she could have all the sex they wanted, as long as they weren't betraying another party waiting at home.<p>My WS is trying to put all of the blame on me because he couldn't keep his thing in his pants. When I found pictures of a girl in his wallet, his excuse was, "what were you looking in there for? You had no right to go through my wallet!" And turned it into a fight over his privacy.<p>When I confronted him about suspicious calls on the cell phone bill, he declared that he was calling a friend - "can't I have friends?"<p>Goodness. Some people.

That is an easy one. NO NO NO NO. ( I am wsh btw). Everyone is ALWAYS responsible for everything they do, every choice they make. However, one MAY be responsible in part, maybe even large part for the failure of your marriage. A successful marriage is the outcome of efforts by 2 people, and either one, or both, can cause that to fail...<p>The trap is if a bs was a real pain in the [censored], and made the marriage a very unsafe, emotional neglectful wasteland...so their spouse wandered off with someone who cared for them is that the bs fault? No, it is not. The ws should have divorced the bs first, cause that is how the game is played, and we all know the rules.... the problem is affairs rarely just suddenly happen one day, they often start as innocent human interactions.... "friendship" and develop into something more....at which point the ws has "wandered" they are still responsible, but being messy humans this is the way life works often. Even defining what an ea (where it starts) is, is impossible, we can do so on paper, with words, but there is no lightbulb that always turns on that says ok, one more word and the ea starts, so stop now. And actually I think ea at least (pa are more clearcut re boundaries) are part of the human behaviour of marriage, they put a weak marriage into crisis so it is either fixed, or ended, and that is a good thing IMO. The issue is not really whether an affair occurs, but what you do about it.... one should stop, focus back on the marriage, and divorce/recover...blaming the bs for your choices does not help this process...but is an indicator to the bs, that maybe their ws is not worthy and they should divorce them.

No, it's not the BSs fault that the WS cheated. However, the BS needs to be willing to admit to things they could have done to hurt the Marriage. That's part of figuring out how to improve things for the future. The point to me is that while and leading up to my Hs A, he was not fulfilling my ENs at all. However, I DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR ON HIM. Instead I accepted that those ENs might never be fulfilled, squared my shoulders away and resolved to be a good mother, good person, etc with or without the "perfect marriage" at home. HE chose to seek fulfillment of his ENs elsewhere. This was not the Godly choice, although mine had its flaws to, I did not commit a sin against my spouse or my marriage like he did. What I should have done is some research, pressed for some counseling or something BEFORE our marriage got to the point it did. Marriage Builders had been a wonderful blessing to the reconstruction of our marriage. Regardless of the state of the marriage before the A, we have to work on the state of the marriage RIGHT NOW. - and keep it where it needs to be.

when my wh said this to me on d-day-that it was my fault-i looked him square in the eyes and said, "yes hon, i took you di** out, got it hard and shoved it in her repeatedly, on more than one occasion i might add! he has never said it again, nor do i think he will. it kinda drove the point home, dontcha think!!!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by NancyCarl:
<strong>Have any of you been blamed for your H/W affair? Did they try to pull the old, "if you had done A, B or C, then this wouldn't have happened"? Or, "you didn't show me enough love/give me enough sex, etc."?<p>Do you believe it? I don't. I think each person is responsible for their own actions, regardless of what the spouse did or didn't do. I don't care if they withheld sex for a year, what the WS should have done was get a divorce if the problem couldn't be solved. THEN he/she could have all the sex they wanted, as long as they weren't betraying another party waiting at home.<p>My WS is trying to put all of the blame on me because he couldn't keep his thing in his pants. When I found pictures of a girl in his wallet, his excuse was, "what were you looking in there for? You had no right to go through my wallet!" And turned it into a fight over his privacy.<p>When I confronted him about suspicious calls on the cell phone bill, he declared that he was calling a friend - "can't I have friends?"<p>Goodness. Some people.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
NancyCarl..
Welcome to the board, altho I wish we wouldn't need this board. To answer your question. Yup, they (WS)will try to blame ANYTHING but themselves. From your post it sounds like you know YOU ARE NOT to blame already.<p>Good luck to you..
Suzanne

Amazing! A topic on which all responses agree!<p>Me too. You are responsible for what you contributed or did not contribute to the marriage, but he is responsible for his actions. If the marriage was not meeting his needs, it is/was his responsibility to work with you to improve the marriage or to get a divorce before starting a new relationship.

Yep, both my H and former best friend blamed ME for their affair. Even now, years later (but I just found out 8 mos ago), my H doesn't seem to me to be all that remorseful. He says he feels terrible, but it doesn't feel sincere to me.<p>We can justify anything if we try hard enough. It's what they call 'the fog' and it is terrible to muddle through.

I am a BS and I feel that I am 50% responsible for what led up to the A. I am 100% responsible for what I brought or didnt bring to the relationship. <p>You have to take resp. for what you have done. The Ws also has to take the resp. for what they have done. <p>Once you realize what you did to contribute to the A then you can correct it. If you think that you had nothing to do with it then you are just as much in a fog as he is<p>Sorry to be harsh. I know how much this all hurts and I am not saying its your fault. But you can only change yourself and not him. Dont try to change him just change what you have control over and that is yourself. <p>good luck

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by nikko:
when my wh said this to me on d-day-that it was my fault-i looked him square in the eyes and said, "yes hon, i took you di** out, got it hard and shoved it in her repeatedly, on more than one occasion i might add<hr></blockquote><p>
Dang Nikko! Tell us what you REALLY think ... lol<p>Not a flame, I'm on your side ... just cracked me up.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Just a Husband:
You have to take resp. for what you have done. The Ws also has to take the resp. for what they have done. <p>Once you realize what you did to contribute to the A then you can correct it. <hr></blockquote><p>Hi JAH,<p>I'm sure you didn't mean "contribute to the A", right? Isn't what you meant was "contribute to the state of the marriage or the unhappiness of the WS, which by the WS's unilateral choice, resulted in an Affair?"<p>The BS is NOT in any WAY, SHAPE or FORM responsible for the A, or contributing to the A. IMHO ....<p>Best,
Jo<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

res-<p>you said it better.

Yes, we all have weaknesses which contribute to our marriage. But many of us don't justify that this makes it okay to be with someone else. I get so angry when I hear "if he was getting it at home, he wouldn't go elsewhere." My H was getting what he says was great sex several times per week and still slept with my former best friend in MY bed. He and our marriage were always my priority but it wasn't enough when he wanted her, that's what he wanted. Couldn't stop him even though he knew he was destroying me and our love.<p>I know this sounds simplistic and don't get me wrong, I think everybody makes mistakes. But I do think that there is a big amount of selfishness involved in affairs. My H says now that I was working hard to meet his needs but in his 'fog', he didn't care about anything but doing what he wanted.<p>I will NOT take blame for either of their actions, they are both 50% responsible for their affair.

>>> what the WS should have done was get a divorce if the problem couldn't be solved. THEN he/she could have all the sex they wanted, as long as they weren't betraying another party waiting at home <<<<p>It gets even more interesting, though... Why don't more WS's just up and file for the big Dv themselves AFTER the A comes into the open, and just get it over with??? You know, just move things along to that point, even if a bit too late????<p>Well... most DON'T want to give up their BS OR the OP. How strange is that??? I mean, they're saying one thing (I want out!), and acting in a completely contrary way (won't do everything necessary to get out ASAP)!<p>Speaks to the WS mindset, doesn't it? (If the A was your fault, why is he still there? I asked my WW why she was still here a few times and got fogese back. In other words, you AREN'T responsible for Problem #2 - the A. You are at most possibly 50% responsible for Problem #1, creating an environment that enabled it. Can you believe it? My WW actually arrived at that logic herself recently - and then has promptly slid back into the fog. Blech!)<p>[ March 28, 2002: Message edited by: J.R. ]</p>

dear jo- im glad i could make you smile!! we call that wicked part of my personality "my evil twin"<p>she can be a little vicious and protective, but boy is she a pisser!!

Well yep, this is strange, we do all agree.<p>Yet it is not unusual for a WS to blame the BS. Part of the fog I guess.