Five months ago my WS filed for D. Since that time she has taken no action regarding the D. We are still living together and no closer to being divorced now than we were then. I've pondered this for a while and have come up with my "package theory". Here it goes:<p>My WS doesn't really want this D, but not because of me, but because she doesn't want to lose everything that goes with the "package", i.e. our house, a comfortable lifestyle, financial security, unlimited time with our daughter, possibly custody of our daughter, someone to blame for her unhappiness, etc. It's all part of the package, unfortunately for her, she can't have the package without me.<p>I think this is a common dilema for many WS's. They want bits and pieces of the package, but deep down they know that it's all or nothing.<p>That's why I'm finally at the point where I'm ready to sell the house and start dismantling the package. It's a necessary step I must take for my own well being with natural consequences for both of us. OM may or may not still be a factor, but that that doesn't change what I must do for me (and my daughter) at this point. Continuing to live like this is unhealthy for all of us.<p>sad dad<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

And the winner is..... my meat eating buddy!<p>This is so true. It works both ways too I think. Sometimes it is hard for the BS to finally decide when it is time to go because of the package.<p>There are other things to face up to also once the package is gone. Your family and friends want to know why you are splitting up. You have to deal with the issues of the children. The best friendship you have had may have been in trouble for a while, but now it is official on some court document. Divorced. It carries a stigma. You have to make your own new life.<p>I think you are doing the right things. Hopefully she'll get a little shock from realizing part 2 of losing the package and get her act together.<p>Even if she doesn't you will be fine. Single women of Chicago REJOICE! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Elizabeth

S-D,<p>Question:<p>Did you ever file a response to her filing 5 months ago - or did you ignore it? I have been told that I am supposed to have made some kind of response or at least file an appearance. I have (from a legal perspective) ignored her filing.<p>~ Luc

JTW,<p>You are right on about the BS too. Goes both ways. Fortunately for me, I will be better off financially than my W, especially if I get custody.<p>Luc, <p>Not only did I respond, I counterfiled on the grounds of adultery/mental cruelty and I am asking for primary custody. That was 12/26/01. The only action her lawyer has taken was filing papers for custody mediation a couple of weeks ago. This is standard procedure when custody is an issue, but it still took him 2-1/2 months to do it. For a WS so determined to get divorced, she's not pursuing it very aggressively.<p>To answer your question, I think you DO have to respond. In fact, I think you have 28 days, but check with a lawyer. Don't disregard it, it could cost you.<p>sad dad<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

Sad Dad,<p>What's up my brother. <p>It's funny, because everytime you post, I see myself. I'm in the same situation. We still live together. Everyone I talked to can't believe it, but we do. My W has responded to the D last month and tomorrow has her first court apperance. <p>I want to sell the house, but my W does not. My only problem is -- what do we do about it? I guess the judge gets involved on that.<p>My reply to luc is - Yes, Sad Dad is right about the filing an apperance to the D. You have like a month to do so.<p>Good Luck<p>Dino

Sad Dad,
You have put into words what I have been feeling for so long but just didn't know how to express it! That is exactly the reason why I didn't jump at the chance when he said he wanted to come home. I knew it wasn't for the sake of our marriage, it was because he didn't want to lose the house, all of his "stuff", and the biggest factor was his MONEY. Of course, at the time, this was just a feeling I had. Now, after dealing with him the last few weeks, I am so glad I listened to my intuition! Thanks for putting into words what I have been trying to figure out myself.
BH

dino,<p>Yeah, our stories certainly do mirror each other.<p>bh,<p>Your are welcome. It only took me 5 months to put that into words.<p>sad dad

sad dad - <p>Don't feel bad - it took me 7 months to finally figure it out. <p>I think the "package deal" theory sounds like "reality" to me. That's why we're supposed to move onto Plan B eventually I guess.<p>K<p>[ March 28, 2002: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</p>

Hi SD- I am BACK! We all got free haircuts and hilites and shampoo YAY!! And my BIL has actually turned into a good cook in his 'old age' so I didnt have to cook at all while we were there!!!!
I definitely agree with your 'package theory.' I often suspect thats what made my H break down after he filed for D on me. He is quite frugal and very attached to our kids and all of a sudden he truly realized what he was doing. Sometimes I think it takes actions to make them see the light. Even though my H tells me he does love me and wants to be here I often question that in my own mind now.I have been in a 'testing him' period the last year- trying to do things to test his commitment to me. Whoever said it works both ways was really right. No one wants to be just married just so the other spouse can have a whole package. I have had to 'grow up' so to speak emotionally this last year and learn to not be so emotionally needy with my H. I think that was wearing him down. Does your W give you any reasons why she isnt wanting to sell the house? lifeismessy

Hi sad dad - i haven't been ignoring you. You've been getting good advice and I couldn't add anything.<p>I think the package analogy is a good one and I also think its manifestation is very popular. It's usually described here as "fence sitting," but this characterization doesn't break it down into its component parts quite as well.<p>Too bad the package usually doean't include a mirror, huh?<p>[ March 30, 2002: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>