THE BACKGROUND: I am new to this board, and obviously on the opposite side of the fence than most of you. I am the cheater. I have been married to my H for 2 1/2 years, where I thought I was generally happy. My husband and I dated off & on since 1988, mostly it was me behind the curtain while he was with his girlfriend. He always assured me that he would leave her for me, but it never really happened until he didn't have a choice. So long story short, we got off to a bad start...cheating. Eventually, we ended up together exclusively. We bought a house in 1997, he proposed in 1998, we married in 1999. He's 32 now, I'm 29. Marriage seemed perfect for the most part while we were in that house. I knew there was no chance of him going back to the ex this time. We just recently purchased our "dream home" in Jan 2002. We were both very excited to start our future in the new house. Then it came out of the blue. I met someone else. I was not even looking for this. I went to see my favorite band, and there he was. Just a gentleman, trying to protect me from his drunk brother's advances. We got to talking, danced for a few songs (which I find innocent enough anyway) and went back to the bar. He then asked me for my number, and I told him I was married. He looked shocked, and I knew he was younger than me, so I asked him how old he thought I was. He said 22-24? I told him my real age and he was floored. He's 24. I ended up leaving and never seeing/hearing from him again, but had thought about him a lot. I had not had that attraction to someone like that in so long, nor did I think it was ever possible. About a month later, I heard from him via email. Emails turned into phone calls and calls turned into meetings. My friends even got involved. I would go out with them just to see him. This affair lasted about a month. During this month, so much has happened. I feel like I'm on a whirlwind. He had a girlfriend of almost 2 yrs that he was about to move in with until he met me. He has since broken up with her. <p>THE PROBLEM: OK now here's where it gets ugly...I cannot be with 2 people. I just cannot act right. I always brought my feelings home, and ended up treating my husband like crap. Of course he became suspicious, and kept asking questions, and said everything just points to me screwing around. I denied it, and just said I was "In a funk". He did everything to try and please me...he's very handy, so he would fix things around the house, buy me cards, even went as far as to ask me if I wanted breakfast in bed. All these things are very sweet, but they just aren't him (except the fixing things), so it makes me wonder why does it take this much to get his to treat me how I need to be treated? And at this point, it seemed too late because I was already getting my ENs fulfilled somewhere else. So I continued to see the OM and have daily conversations with him. Everything is just amazing with this person, despite his faults. So I guess hubby had had enough, so he taped our phone conversations on Saturday. Everything I talked about all day long was on that tape. I am very careful about what I said on my home phone anyway, so there wasn't anything of proof on there, only that I had obvious feelings for this person by my tone of voice. He went on a rampage after he listened to it, asked me how I could do this to us, and called everyone we knew to tell them what was happening, including the OM and asking if he was 'screwing' his wife. OM denied and said he was just going on assumptions, but understood his anger. Even played the tape for some friends. I left and didn't come home that night, arrived the next morning to an amazingly calm H. We opened an Excel spreadsheet and began dividing the belongings. His mother called and said not to make any hasty decisions, and wanted to come talk to me. When she did, I was expected this awful, accusatory, woman to come storming in the room at me. Instead, she came to me arms open wide and tears in her eyes. She said, "we all make mistakes". I realized that this family loves me and is willing to see past all this. She said marriage is hard work and it doesn't reach a plateau where everything is "OK". And just when you think it's ok, it bites you in the @$$. But all in all, we talked about our issues, even down to the sex issues. And she said she thought we could make it through this. I, on the other hand was making every excuse not to work it out. All I could think of was the OM.<p>THE SUGGESTION: So H said that he thought it was a good idea for me to get a hotel room for the week until I decide whether or not I want to work this out. It's only Wednesday and I've been at this hotel since Monday night. I have been spending time with OM, and at first it was a great feeling to just be alone with him, and contemplate my future plans with him. After many talks, things are beginning to become reality. He's very back and forth about this whole issue...One day he's extremely happy and says he's 'ready for anything' with me, and the next he's down and says maybe I do belong with my husband because there's so much history there, and he feels that he's taking my life away from me. I should probably be taking this time for myself, but I don't. I have not spoken to my H since Monday night when I left. He wants an answer by Friday, whether or not I want to work this out. But he has stipulations: <p>We go to counseling
I cannot go out to bars with my friends, only to dinner for drinks
We stay in for quite some time, and exclude ourselves from social functions to work on us.
I give him attention, attention, attention<p>I fear I will not want to meet these requests. If I make the decision to go back, I'll miss the OM terribly. Something tells me maybe H & I can get thru this if I just put my mind to it, but I have so many doubts about myself. I'll miss OM so much, and I'll look for him everywhere I go. But shoe on other foot...if I go the OM route, I'll know that I ruined my marriage and crushed the only person who ever loved me so unconditionally. I have felt amazing support from H's family through all this, which has shocked me. How can they be so understanding? How can I not give this another chance? How will I know if it would've worked if I don't try? But if I say want to work on it, then I lose OM for good. I have such a big lump in my throat about all this, I just want to cry. This has been the worst day yet for me. When OM left this morning and I was there all alone, it was terrible. Such a cold & lonely feeling about what I've gotten myself into. Wondering what H must be thinking. How lonely he must be in that big house all by himself. Contrary to his actions, I did cause this. And the frightening thing is, will I do it again? I can't go thru this again.<p>Any advice would be appreciated!<p>INAFUNK<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: inafunk ]</p>

Your H is not going about this thing in a way that is taking your feelings into account, or even addressing them to begin with. With these conditions it's no wonder that an affair happened!<p>Counseling...for sure. A counselor will set him straight. <p>No one is forcing you to decide anything...you will need time to sort through what you want to do...it's his decision to do so if he decides to leave you because he can't handle the pressure. He has that right, as well. You, however, have the right to explore why this happened and explore what you want out of a relationship.<p>I would tell him that therapy is no problem...but as for the rest of it, you both have issues that you need to work through before promising attention, laying down limits, etc, etc...<p>You're a grown woman. No one controls you and your life except for you. Take responsibility for it and for your own happiness. Under "lock and key" is no way to live...this affair undoubtedly happened partially because of marital problems and your H needs to face up to his part in this situation along with you.

Your H has every right to make demands you are married remember, that means you don't screw around unless you are willing to pay the price. Your H is willing to take you back you are very lucky. If you do not like the demands stay with your OM. Sorry I sound harsh but I am in a bad mood today.<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: champ ]</p>

Towards, I disagree..<p>I think BS has every right to set some ground rules. The A started bcuz of a night out with the girls. Why shouldnt he feel that the girls night out can spell trouble. Also, when it comes time to spending nights in with only each other, whats wrong with that? The BS has EN to be fufilled and given that a A already took place, how can he recover if his WS is out with friends in a bar?<p>In a funk, you are a lucky woman to have your H. BEfore the confirmation of the A, your H was going out of his way to please you, cards, breakfast in bed etc., And after the conformation, he is willing to forgive you if you meet to some of his requests. These are not major requests on his part. Only ones he requires until he can rebuild his trust in you. <p>Of cource everything is amazing with the OM. Otherwise you wouldnt have been attracted to him in the first place. From what I've learned on this site A's are always amazing at first, but eventually fizzle out because of what they started out as...lies.<p>In a funk, I hope you realize that your H is trying to make a safe place for you. He sounds like a wonderful man.

Ground rules are all well and good...once everyone is sure that they are where they want to be, and with ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT. They haven't even begun to talk about what went wrong and he's setting up rules!<p>These kinds of "rules" are compromises that both spouses should mutually agree to...not "do this or I leave you" conditions BEFORE THEY"VE EVEN BEEN TO THERAPY!<p>If the issues aren't addressed they're doomed to repeat their errors.<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>

Dear inafunk:<p>I think it is impossible to make a decision only seeing the OM. Does that make sense to you? You need time just for you. You have to decide if you want the M and the history and what you and H built together or to start anew with the OM.<p>As to conditions, I always find it valuable in decisions like this to put the shoes on the other foot. If your H had the affair, what conditions would you require of his return? <p>You never said if you loved your H or not. Do you?
You can rebuild your M if you want to. This site has the tools. You just need to want to. Your H should also realize what he did in the marriage to contribute to your vulnerability to an affair.<p>Either way, the decision is yours. I would just emphasize that seeing the OM every day will not allow you to make a clear headed objective decision.<p>Good luck to you.

Inafunk,<p>Go to the library or the book store and buy Surviving an Affair by Harley. Read it, you have plenty of time IF you tell OM to leave you alone for a day or so. When you finish reading it, then talk with your H about your feelings, your fears, and your hopes.<p>You will NOT always miss the OM. In fact, if you don't see him the rest of the week, in about 3-4 months he will not be on your mind much, in a year all he will be an "event" in your life, but not your life.<p>However, if you are unwilling to work on the marriage and think OM is the best way to go. Then do that, be honest with your H and leave. Do this before your marriage has children involved and your H spends much time trying to repair your marriage.<p>Personally, I think it can be rebuilt. This site has and the authors of this site have some very definite plans for rebuilding marriages and it is effective and often successful. Your H's family supports you two, and your H is willing to try. What you have not understood yet, is that his requests/demands are so that he can rebuild trust and hopefully a new marriage. He cannot do that with you out drinking with friends that you admit helped you have the affair.<p>I too believe that "forward" missed the mark abit with her advice. Your friends enabled you to have this affair. Your friends protected you, not your marriage or your H. Your OM will probably move on.<p>He is far to immature to be in a relationship now. After all he dropped a two year relationship for a married woman he had met at a concert. It doesn't speak well of his morals, his values, and his ability to commit.<p>So get him out of your life until Friday, and spend your time reading the book I mentioned. AT that point you will at least be able to talk with your H intelligently. As it is now, you have done nothing but further your affair during your short separation. Too bad for you. That was a very poor decision because it doesn't help you find out what you want.<p>inafunk your marriage can be rebuilt and made much better. You are in a state often referred to as the "fog" right now. I like to offer that you send your H to this site as well. The people here will work with him. You will need time to repair all of this, but you will also need to decide to "try". If you do OM can wait for a few months. If he is unwilling to wait, then he isn't very serious about you either.<p>Hope something you read here helps.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

He did everything to try and please me...even went as far as to ask me if I wanted breakfast in bed. All these things are very sweet, but they just aren't him (except the fixing things), so it makes me wonder why does it take this much to get his to treat me how I need to be treated? And at this point, it seemed too late because I was already getting my ENs fulfilled somewhere else. <p>Well, here is your first mistake. Lack of communication. You KNOW your husband can meet your ENs but you have failed to communicate that need to him and to let him know when those ENs were not being met. You cannot expect him to know this stuff unless you tell him.<p>Regardless of getting them filled by someone else, you know that getting them filled one way is right and the other way is wrong. My recommendation: Stop allowing your needs to be met by the OM and you will start to feel love for your H again as he meets your needs and no one else.<p>So I continued to see the OM and have daily conversations with him. Everything is just amazing with this person; despite his faults.<p>LOL. Sorry, it is just funny to read the fog sometimes. What you are in is called Romantic Love. It is not mature love. It is infatuation. It is lust. It will wither and fade in time as those faults start to take on a much greater significance. While in romantic love, faults are minimized and sometimes even ignored. My Formally wayward wife is just now starting to see the OM as the sleeze that he is. She could not or would not see him for such during the affair. She now refers to him at the devil.<p>All I could think of was the OM.<p>That is very typical and is understandable. What you need to do is to make the CHOICE to not go to him any longer. It will suck. You will go through withdrawals -- he is an addiction. In time, your romantic feelings for him will start to fade as you come to terms with what you did and what you risked for the fantasy of romantic love.<p>A good counselor will help you with this. I also recommend the book After the Affair. It is the best book I have read that covers the subject from both the BS and the WS. I think it is the best book hands down for the WS.<p>But he has stipulations: <p>We go to counseling
I cannot go out to bars with my friends, only to dinner for drinks
We stay in for quite some time, and exclude ourselves from social functions to work on us.
I give him attention, attention, attention.<p>All very reasonable and intelligent conditions. I applaud your spouse for coming to these ideas on his own.<p>I fear I will not want to meet these requests. <p>You won't that is not important. Honestly, it isn't. I did not want to do a lot of things my wife wanted of me when she moved back in. She feels the same. She is restricted from the same things you husband wishes to restrict you from doing. She does not like it but she KNOWS that is NECESSARY for our recovery.<p>You don't have to like it. You don't even have to understand it. You simply have to be willing to do it.<p>If I make the decision to go back, I'll miss the OM terribly. <p>Yes, you will. It may take weeks or even months to get completely through the withdrawal. Your husband needs to know this as well so he does not get frustrated with your progress. Little that he does during your withdrawal will have a significant improvement on the marriage. Both of you need to know this -- that you won't likely feel that your marriage is improving, nor will he, until you get the OM out of your head. This is not an easy or short process.<p>Something tells me maybe H & I can get thru this if I just put my mind to it, but I have so many doubts about myself. <p>I agree. It is all a matter of making the choice to do so. Place you husband first in your life and ask him to do the same. Let nothing ever again come between you. Doubts are fine. We all have doubts. Your H will have doubts as well. The important thing is that you not act on those doubts. <p>Something my wife and learned at counseling - neither of you will likely feel like do a lot of stuff -- being loving, saying I love you, being intimate, etc. Feeling is one slice of a pie. The other two slices are thinking and acting.<p>You cannot control how you feel. That is the problem with feelings. Feelings should not be trusted as they typically are not based on rational facts. It was following your feelings that lead you to have the affair.<p>Instead, you should do as you think. You should act loving and the feelings will follow. You can control how you think and act. If you can obtain agreement between any two parts of the pie, the third part will follow.<p>I'll miss OM so much, and I'll look for him everywhere I go. But shoe on other foot...if I go the OM route, I'll know that I ruined my marriage and crushed the only person who ever loved me so unconditionally. <p>If you are meant to be with the OM, it can wait until you figure out if your marriage can be saved. Give your marriage a chance at success before you throw it away. If hte OM really loves you, he will wait for you. He will also not want you to be less of a person. Right now, he is being selfish (and so are you) by wanting a woman that is married. Love is about sacrifice. If he loves you, he will want what is best for you. You being an adultress is not what is best for you.<p>I have felt amazing support from H's family through all this, which has shocked me. How can they be so understanding? <p>You are now starting to comprehend the depth of mature love. They can be so understanding because they love you in a manner that is far deeper than romantic love ever could be.<p>How can I not give this another chance? How will I know if it would've worked if I don't try? But if I say want to work on it, then I lose OM for good. I have such a big lump in my throat about all this, I just want to cry. This has been the worst day yet for me. When OM left this morning and I was there all alone, it was terrible. Such a cold & lonely feeling about what I've gotten myself into. Wondering what H must be thinking. How lonely he must be in that big house all by himself. Contrary to his actions, I did cause this. And the frightening thing is, will I do it again? I can't go thru this again. <p>Will you do this again? Only you can determine that. There is only one person in this world that can help you to not do it again and that is your husband.<p>I think you know well the decision you need to make. It will not be easy by any definition but I think you and your husband can have a better marriage than you did prior to this. I know that my wife and I feel this way as well.

Towardsthefuture, I must disagree. There are rules in marriage and one is that you don't sleep around with OP or engage in behavior that led to the affair. He made his decision he is willing to continue the Marriage under these conditions now she must make hers.

Flip a coin. Your reaction to the result of the coin toss will give you your answer.<p>Whenever you have a difficult decision to make, if you toss a coin, you will immediately feel a visceral reaction to the outcome of the toss, and that deep gut reaction reveals what you really want.<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

I am not sure what you mean.

funk-<p>I am a BH and your words sound like my wife's. The OM left his girl for you. What do you think will happen when he meets someone else. IS he going to drop you as quickly? Your in lust. Get over it and go back to your husband. <p>Read the book by Dr. Harley or the Dr. Phil book "Relationship Rescue". Both books are an easy read. <p>I would have a list of conditions for your husband also. Make sure that your issue list is centered on your marraige and being together. Dont center it on you. <p>Your husband needs to take responsibility for what he has brought to the marriage. He is 50% responsible for the A as well. <p>Your a strong person and dont need the OM to justify yourself. Of couurse everything is going to be great with him. your not doing anything to let it be bad. Beginnings are always great. <p>Your feelings of lonliness are real and you are having them for a reason. Your husband has extended the olive branch. you need to recognize that. <p>Your husband cant make all of the demands. The A happened for a reason and you both need to talk about that. He also needs to get off his perch and come down to your level and talk to you. He is angry and so are you. Let the OM go. <p>Its just not worth all the heartache. Your husband is hurting and so are you. You need to find eachother and help eachother. You only have one life and there is no need to F@!# it up any more. <p>You need to work on yourself and you will see that your Husband will do the same and you will start to work on your M. <p>Get out of the hotel room and go get the books. <p>Good Luck.

I forgot to mention that H is an insecure/jealous person to begin with. I have months and months of accusations, questions, nasty comments, etc to deal with, not to mention the embarrassment for him and for me when it comes to facing our friends/family. He aired out all of our dirty laundry in a matter of hours. I don't know if I'm prepared to deal with what lies ahead for me...I do not want to live walking on eggshells.

your right you shouldnt want to live that way. He called everyone because he was building his case to everyone else. His insecurity needed the attention of others and he got it. <p>He is like a bottomless pit that needs to be filled and you are never going to fill that. <p>Unfortunatly you are going to have to live with the question for a while. you need to 150% honest with him and tell him everything he wants to know. He is not going to like the answers he gets and eventually he will stop. Trust me. I have been there. <p>Dont feed into his insecurity and he will stop. Dont get angry and dont be judgemental. You are a good person and you need to show him that. You need to show him you deserve his trust again. And he needs to show you that he is there for you because I bet that was one major thing that led to the A. <p>Work on yourself and he will follow. I know it sucks and it dosent seem fair. But you also need to take a stand for yourself and he will respect you for that. <p>You hurt him and yourself. You need to heel eachother. He will not do that with tons of questions and hurtful acqusations. If he gets no pay off from his behavior then he will stop. If he sees that your willing to talk about the A in a loving and non-confrontational way then he will back off. <p>I did

You mentioned that your H is insecure and jealous, giving you months and months of accusations, questions, nasty comments.<p>Well, inafunk. He was right wasnt he? <p>Clearly you are in a deep fog at this point. Stay away from OM for awhile till the fog clears. Then make your decision on the M.<p>Your H is doing all he can to stand by you, so is his family. You are embarrased by the dirty laundry? You have support from all around you. Consider yourself lucky. Would you prefer your spouse and extended family to turn their backs on you.? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Susie.<p>BTW Mr. Bunky--great post.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Just a Husband:
<strong> He is 50% responsible for the A as well. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Funk,<p>This is not true, and if marital recovery ends up being your goal, I caution you not to approach your H this way.<p>While you and your H most likely share the burden of blame for the deterioration of your M prior to your A, you and you alone are 100% responsible for your A. According to Steve Harley, an A is the result of the WS failing to protect the M from his/her own weaknesses. The A is your responsibility.<p>If you both take responsibility for your choices and actions which led to where your M is now and you each develop empathy for the other and come to understand the vulnerabilities that made your A possible, then you and your H have a very good chance to rebuild your M.

Your husband needs to take responsibility for what he has brought to the marriage. He is 50% responsible for the A as well.
No, no no!<p>Both people in a marriage are (usually) responsible for 50% of the problems of the marriage, not for the affair. The ws is 100% solely responsible for the affair.\\inafunk,
I don't know if I'm prepared to deal with what lies ahead for me...I do not want to live walking on eggshells
So now you are trying to find every/any excuse to NOT work it out.<p>You need to completely cut the om out of your life before you can make any decisions.

Inafunk...I know it hurts right now. It hurts like hell. You probably feel totally paralyzed and have no idea what to do. You feel angry because you know that this situation was not entirely of your making...and it wasn't...but the way that you dealt with the situation is the problem (and you were by far not the only one who dealt with the situation incorrectly). That being said...we cannot justify our misdeeds by someone else's misdeeds or neglect...we must take responsibility for our own actions...that goes for your H and for the OM as well.<p>You have to make a decision for YOURSELF. You have to find yourself again, although I know your self-image is probably pretty shaken, if not shattered...what do you want out of a relationship? Do you think your H can give you what you want? <p>Here's a question...if things could be the way you need them to be in a relationship, and they could be that way with your H, would you be willing to stay with your H? If the answer to this question is yes, then do you think he deserves the chance to try? Be warned, though, that progress will not be made until the OM is given up completely. You are going to hurt and suffer either way...no matter what happens you will lose someone you care deeply about and probably love. This is unavoidable now, and will only get harder to do as you put it off.<p>You will have to learn how to have an effective relationship with whoever you choose...so who will it be? Someone that you have no real relationship history with, or someone that you share a history (not to mention a marriage) with? The lessons, problems, and hardships you face will be the same regardless of who you choose. You may already know who you want to be with...and you'll only find peace by making your choice and doing everything in your power to stand by it (including giving up the third person in the equation for good). Good Luck...keep us posted.

I cannot thank all of you enough for your support, not to mention the timeliness of your replies. This site has helped me tremendously the past 2 days. OM saw this thread last night, and we talked about everything. We decided, together, that it should end. It was a very bittersweet goodbye, but one we both knew had to happen. He told me to "be happy", which is all he ever wanted for me in the first place. <p>So tomorrow I go home. I checked out of the hotel this morning..it was way too depressing there. Girlfriends came by last night to comfort me with wine & chocolate [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] My one friend stayed with me so I wouldn't be alone. My other friend called me this morning to tell me to come stay with her tonight. I accepted...I will go get those books after work today and read them at her house tonight. It's amazing the support I'm getting from everywhere.<p>To "scared to be single again"...when I said months & months of accusations & questions, I meant that's what lies ahead for me. Also, way before this affair happened, my husband would be jealous/insecure for absolutely no reason. Always asking questions in an accusatory manner, and he himself even admitted that when he heard himself on tape. It would take forever for me to explain our past, his insecurities, etc, but just know that he was like this before...it was just magnified when the affair started.<p>I just wanted to thank all of you who took the time out of your busy day to reply...and such lengthy replies! How overwhelming to know that a total stranger could care so much.<p>I will keep you posted with our progress. I know it will not be easy, but I am willing to give this a go. I do feel so lucky that he is willing to accept me back in his life, even after what I've done. I can't even fathom the hurt I've caused everyone. Thanks again...wish me luck.

To "scared to be single again"...when I said months & months of accusations & questions, I meant that's what lies ahead for me. <p>It need not be that way. Read up on the POJA in the Surviving an Affair book (and other books at this site). You need to know that he will have many questions (and you need to answer every single one of them) and he will jump at many shadows. <p>If you go out of your way to be proactive in making sure you keep him informed of everything and to do nothing that does not take him into consideration (e.g. if you think that he may not like you doing something, don't do or at least discuss it with him prior).<p>Now, regarding questions. You shoulbe be a kind and considerate as possible. Also be honest. Questions are an OPPORTUNITY to reaffirm your H. Your ANSWERS should not be used to tear him down but to be honest (even if it hurts) and to be caring of him. For example, if he asks you if the sex was better with the OM, if it was, be honest, BUT, you have an opportunity to reaffirm him at the same time. You could say, "Yes, at times it was better but that was a fantasy, it was not real and it never would have lasted. You are real and I chose your mature love over fantasy love."<p>The key for him (and you) is to creat boundaries on the questions. He should not be allowed to ask them in a hateful or demeaning manner. If he gets that way, you can say something like, "Dear, I know this is extremely painful for you and I am so sorry to put you through this. Please try to be kind in the manner you ask questions. This hurts me as well and I don't want to be hurt by you during this process."<p>Also, way before this affair happened, my husband would be jealous/insecure for absolutely no reason. Always asking questions in an accusatory manner, and he himself even admitted that when he heard himself on tape. It would take forever for me to explain our past, his insecurities, etc, but just know that he was like this before...it was just magnified when the affair started.<p>Then your H has issues he needs to address as well. Get ya both into counseling [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I just wanted to thank all of you who took the time out of your busy day to reply...and such lengthy replies! How overwhelming to know that a total stranger could care so much.<p>Glad we could help. It is not often that we have a chance to help the WS and for me, it often feels much better when I can do so.<p>I will keep you posted with our progress. I know it will not be easy, but I am willing to give this a go. I do feel so lucky that he is willing to accept me back in his life, even after what I've done. I can't even fathom the hurt I've caused everyone. Thanks again...wish me luck. <p>Please do and am glad you are making this choice.<p>This will not be easy for either of you and I strongly encourage you to set some ground rules. Please see my signature for details on my wife's and my recovery.<p>One last thing, I just finished After the Affair and it is easily the best book I have read on the subject. I strongly recommend you get it. I highlighted that book more than any other in my life.