Hi all,<p>I have a rather basic question. I am currently experiencing great difficulty "keepin it together" at work. I discovered my H was having an affair this past weekend, so my emotions are rather raw. My boss has asked me several times if I am ok and I have managed to get up enough to lie and say I'm getting over the flu. But quite frankly, I know it seems obvious that I am not ok, ......I really do not want to share the intimate details of what's going on in my private life with him, but how do I continue to explain my obvious distress? Help!

I think that it would be ok for you to let your boss know that you are experiencing some very difficult personal issues. This can be a tricky one because you don't want to use your boss as a shrink, and you don't want to jepordize your job by giving the appearance of being unable to cope with stress.<p>I bet if your boss has noticed what's going on it would be a good idea to ask for a quick meeting. Try not to become upset, hard to do I know. Tell him that you would like to explain your behavior lately, and that you are sorry you didn't tell the truth the first time he asked, but that you were trying to come to grips with the situation yourself.<p>The thing to remember here is keeping a balance. The last thing you need to do is have someone start keeping a strong eye on your job preformance, but when there is something that affects you so much you need to give your boss a clue. <p>Keep it very simple, plan ahead what you will say, and also tell the boss that you are planning steps to assure him it will not become an issue with your work.<p>Bill, I feel like I owe you an explaination for my behavior. I have recently been thrown into a very difficult situation with my marriage. It is causing me great pain, and I am still trying to understand all the ramifications. I think it is important for you to know this, I'm sorry I didn't tell you right away, but frankly I am a bit shocked about the whole thing. I would like to assure you that this will not affect my job preformance, and will take steps to ensure that. I appreciate your support and understanding. If you feel that my work is slipping please bring it to my attention right away. <p>Elizabeth

Angel
I couldnt have said it better than Elizabeth.

I agree with Elizabeth. It's important that you let your boss know that your mind is not on work right now so that he can help you out. <p>When my H left and my son was killed, I had an extremely hard time thinking about work, but several of my subordinates picked up the slack and helped me out.

I told my boss and one of my coworkers the entire story. They were VERY supportive of me during this time. My boss told me that if I need some time away, that I could use all of my sick days (two weeks) to do so. I also told my immediate department that I was have difficulty in my marriage. My boss and them worked out a way for them to assume many of my duties for two weeks until I could get a better handle on the situation.<p>If you have a good relationship with your boss, I recommend you tell.

Quite honestly, this is a tough call. Telling your boss depends on various factors.
i)Is your boss understanding? If so, by telling him/her, they may cut your workload a little slack. If not, he/she may not really care anything about your situation.
ii)How do you feel emotionally? I told my boss shortly after d-day because I was off the wall. I lost it. I was unable to function. He understood and offered me a leave. I said no BUT he left me alone and his expectations were lowered. I needed that to get through it. I needed my work routine for sanity but at the same time, I need MB to get through the day. It's a fact of life I cannot change right now.
iii)Work Environment & Ethics - Are people caring? Do you have good relationships at work that can help you? I only told my boss after d-day and have not kept him updated. Doesn't know about our separation. Boss may tell others and I'd like to keep work separate for awhile. Work can be a refuge.
iv)Job Responsibilities <p>Hope that helps.

Be VERY careful. You know your boss better than us.<p>First, if you are a permanent fulltime employee the federal government has allowed FLMA (family leave medical act). If you are seeing a counselor and are on Antidepressants your counselor can fill out the necessary forms for you to qualify. (If your not on Antidepressants I highly recommend them). By law you are allowed 12 weeks off and guarantee your job when you return. The amount of leave you get WITH pay depends on the company benefits which you can discuss with your Human Resource dept. I HAD TO use this once cause I was not able to function with the SHOCK of it all. It was VERY helpful to clear my head - I got 3 weeks off with pay then went back to work. I used this in 6/1999 (see my signature line)<p>As far as your boss, I think you should say you have some family problems. Don't say whether they are physical/emotional/marriage related etc. <p>In September 2000 I started a new job. The same day I started I found out about continued contact #2 (see my signature line). I did not want to take off 3 weeks for FLMA because I just started my new job so I simply told my boss I had marriage problems and that it would not effect my job and got on Antidepressants. Well this boss held it against me BIG TIME. SHE was NOT AT ALL compassionate. She had several meetings with me saying that this might not be the right project for me at this time because of my personal problems and I should start looking for another job. Well, it did effect my job but NOT THAT much. So I began documenting everything between her and I and finally met with her superior to discuss the problems I had with her. By January I was moved to another department in the same company. <p>In June of 2001 I found out about continued contact #3 (see my signature line). I simply told my new boss I had marriage problems and that it would not effect my job and got on Antidepressants. Well this boss was much more compassionate. PLUS it really didn't effect my job THAT much.<p>In summary... it all depends on your boss and your relationship with him/her.<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: I LuvNprotect ME ]<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: I LuvNprotect ME ]</p>

I can only echo the great advice already given here! You didn't mention how well you know your boss, if you've worked for him for many years and you know all about HIS family, is he a kind person - or is this "just a job"? The kind you drag yourself through just to get paid and don't interact much with him? That all makes a difference.<p>I've seen many situations where the employee makes the mistake of thinking that everybody at work cares, in particular, the boss. While they may express sympathy, over time they may become annoyed and even uncomfortable at knowing all of the details,and could use it against you in subtle ways. Ultimately, it could lead to your professional demise.<p>As a coworker, I've been thrust into areas of my coworker's confidence that I would rather not be in. When I have my own problems, I would only tell those close to me, in one case my coworker was one of my best friends, but even then I knew not to overburden her with the details because people absorb your problems and then resent you for them. That's one reason this forum is so wonderful because we can all help each other so completely, but still, we control how much we input or take out by simply not logging on! It's not like having to run into someone at work everyday and they're backing you into a corner to give you an update when you really don't want to hear anymore.<p>I've had people that I don't know that well just pull up to my desk and dump it all out! You can almost hear the warning beeps as they back up the truck and lift the dump! At first I'm feeling so bad for them and really want to help, but after about 10 updates and having my lunch ruined because I lost my appetite worrying about them, I start to avoid them.<p>A friend of mine thought she had the coolest boss in the world. He used to cover for her when she messed up - and this was at EDS and you KNOW how strict they are! He got her in kind of in a 'back door' type of way, using his pull to get her the job. She happened to be the OW in an A and got pregnant. The relationship turned violent at some point and she told her boss EVERYTHING. It was clear that she was pregnant and unmarried, and by all appearances, didn't have a good relationship with the father because he never came to any events with her and she was always at her desk screaming in the phone at him.<p>To summarize, her boss seemed to withdraw from her, then one day he told her that he couldn't protect her anymore, that TPTB wanted her gone and there was nothing he could do about it. Eventually she was let go, told her position was being eliminated. Her boss didn't even come to work on her last day nor call her after that to express his sympathy. I think HE wanted her gone because he knew too much about her at that point.