My H and I were married in Dec. 2001. Not surprisingly, it was the happiest day of my life. In late January, I ran into an old college fling near my job. I hadn't seen him in 8 years. As it turned out, he worked just two blocks from me. I was immediately attracted to him. It's as if no time passed at all. We began to spend many lunches and walks together, sometimes seeing each other three times a week. We talk via phone or email everyday. <p>Before we even kissed for the first time, the mental affair had started. But now it's physical and emotional. Our chemistry is outstanding, like one I've had with no one else, even my H. From what I've been reading on this site, affairs generally start when needs aren't being met at home. But my H is absolutely wonderful. He's a good man. He gives me attention, and pretty much anything I desire. Our chemistry isn't always great. Often, we aren't "on the same page". That concerns me, but other than that, I thought I was happy.<p>So, I'm confused now. I'm not asking what I should do. I know what the right thing to do is. My questions are: How common is it for one to have an affair so early in the marriage? (I should be a happy newlywed!) And, should I be honest and tell my husband what's going on, or not tell him, while he has no inkling? Thanks.

How common? No one can say since statistics don't exist for much of this stuff. My wife started her A less than a year into the marriage so I can say that I know of at least one case of such happening.<p>I think you need to tell your husband and to get into counseling. Not to point fingers at you but something is definately wrong inside you that led you to such behavior - especially if your husband is so wonderful. It could be all sorts of things from fear of committment to disillusionment of romantic love to lack of boundaries and maturity. One thing is for sure, until you find out why you did this, it is very possible that it will happen again.

weezy,<p>Frankly your really don't have a marriage to save, since you have only been married 4 months. However, in fairness to your H you need to tell him of your affair. <p>He has the right to determine where his life goes and not have it taken from him without any idea of what is going on. I would be surprised that he has any idea that you are having an affair, since few would suspect such a thing starting within a few months of marriage.<p>In this particular case this isn't a case of your H's failure to be a good H or your needs not being met. It is a case of you having serious issues. You need counseling to determine how and why you could do this.<p>Your college fling didn't work out the first time and it is unlikely that it will this time either. It is clear that neither you or the OM have a clue what commitment is or what marriage is about.<p>Do your H a hugh favor, although he surely won't think so for quite awhile, tell him what you are doing. Yes, the marriage can be saved but I doubt that it will happen unless you have some counseling and really look inward.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

I can't tell you %s, but my former best friend was only married 6 mos when she has an affair with my H. And was only married 9 mos the first time, when sleeping with her 2nd husband to be.<p>Yes, you need to tell him NOW or you will have a marriage completely based on lies. Good job coming here, now take the advice and do something with it. As far as this awesome chemistry, it's called addiction. My H had it too, it's only temporary.<p>Good luck...please do what's right for everyone involved

Weezy,<p>I see you have been reading and posting on MM's long and strange thread. Strange??? Because he really doesn't need to be at this site, if he thinks he alone can rebuild the marriage. He'll learn.<p>I see where you are thinking about telling your H. You wondered if it would be better to tell H before or after separating from OM. <p>I think the answer is the usual: IT DEPENDS [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>One, thing you can do is get some counseling before you tell him. Then with the guidance of the counselor and prehaps in the presence of the counselor you can tell your H. This often helps to have a third party there. I would definitely have the OM out of the picture and the best way to do that is to inform him you are going to work on your marriage and you cannot have contact with him.<p>But, there is one thing that does seem to work well, but sounds as if it never would. The best recoveries seem to happen when the BS HELPS the WS with the withdrawal. Isn't that strange??<p>Well, when you tell the OM that the relationship is over you will go through withdrawal. The person you need to talk to everytime you feel like calling OM (and you will) is your H. Most, call their spouse, talk to their spouse (yes even about how they are feeling about OP [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] ) and then often post here.<p>The key here is to make it clear to your H that you want the marriage to work, AND that you are going to need his help. You can even explain to him what you are about to go through. Let him read Surviving an Affair by Harley and he will see.<p>At first this will just kill him but gradually you will find that you will feel better and will be better able to in turn help your H recover. You will have to have a lot of patience with him as your marriage is very young and has no history other than a bad one.<p>It will be dicey about whether or not it will work, I won't lie to you. But, many have made it work by allowing their spouse to help them.<p>Weezy, this is tough stuff. It will be very very hard on your H and it will be very hard on you. But, if you recovery your marriage properly, you two may have the best possible marriage rather than an average marriage. It will depend on your honesty, the love you develop for your H, and your respect for him. He will also learn to trust you again (it will take time), he will come to respect you for facing your demons, and your honesty when the chips were down. This also will take time.<p>So think about these things. I suspect that you are just know beginning to realize what marriage really is and what it means. It definitely is not like going steady, or a "committed relationship". It is far deeper than that and requires sacrifices on the part of both of the members of the couple. This is the "for worse" part of marriage. You cannot just walk away.<p>Hope something I said helps.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

yes it happens. my WW had her A even before we were married didnt tell me and we were still married that continuted on for 6 months after.<p>Tell him. he deserves that. What give s you the right to be the only one to make a desicion? You married him. You cant think about yourself anymore you need to think about the life of your husband also.<p>it isnt My life it is OUR life. Marriage remember that thing you did a few months back?<p>
Give him the respect to see what he wants to do. Even if that is divorce you. it is HIS choice, his right.<p>
Is there anything to save? I dont know. I know you made a mistake.<p>
Ok so what are you going to do go into another relationship be reasonably happy but oh look another guy and wonder of wonder he makes me happier so HE must be the one.. untill someone else comes along.<p>Thats exagerated a bit I know but the fact of the matter is there isnt and ONE person for us despite how romanic that seems. Im sure if you looked hard enough with the BILLION people on this earthyou will find someone who can make you happier in some way. Marriage is the commitment to stay with that person to see how deep that relationship can get. To commit to that one person.<p>
So bottom line with what Im saying is be truthful no matter what. And regards to your marriage unless you are being physically or mentally abused or he is somehow not what he claimed to be. leaving him is a BIG mistake.<p>-HI