Here is my view on the WS. This is based on my experience with my wife (WS) from the past five months. First why would a WS choose to come off the fence? They have life like they want it. They are sitting up on the thrown like a king or queen. They get to do whatever they want, when they want and no one to answer to (cake eating). Some of the WS get to be with two people at the same time so they have twice the odds of getting their EN’s fulfilled. Why would a WS decide to come back to the relationship, for once they have something new and exciting in their life. They don’t have the old boring ground hog life any more. Everything is so new and exciting (butterflies, etc.), they can’t think far enough down the road that this new exciting feeling will fade away. Remember when we were all kids when you get a toy you play with it a lot until you get tired of it. Then where does the toy sit? Exactly…
This is why I believe especially my WS as well as others don’t want to come back to their marriage. They are getting to basically act like a grown up baby and do whatever they want without having to worry about any one else in their life, not their spouse nor their family and in most cases the kids.
So what is a BS suppose to do in this situation? Do they just keep on putting up with the cake eating? Do they finally draw the line in the sand and put the WS in a position to make a decision? Of course if you do this since they are having so much fun at the time of course they are going to choose to leave the marriage. Why can’t the BS treat the WS like they treat them? Why can’t the BS go out and get our own EN’s filled by someone else?
This situation is a loose, loose situation. If you stay you have to deal with the pain and the heartache. However if you choose a divorce or separate you still have to deal with the pain and the heartache. Life is so not fair and it seems like the WS has it so much easier. Oh I am sure they are dealing with a lot but I guarantee it they aren’t dealing with as much pain as the BS.
So the million-dollar question is do you knock them off the fence? Or do you just walk away? The fog could take longer to lift then you can handle…..

confused-<p>I am in the same exact boat but last wed the fog started to lift. What you need to do is to make good for yourself. no matter how much it kills you you need to give the impression that you are moving on with your life. Dont be so needy in front of her. dont be cold but dont be all lovey dovey. I did the lovey dovey thing and it only makes you feel worse when you get nothing in return. <p>Dont feed her the cake. you are letting her eat the cake in your face. Let her know by your actions that the cake eating does not bother you but you are not going to feed her the cake. Sort of a plan B without leaving yet. <p>She needs to see the reality of what is going on and as long as you feed her she will never see it. Try reading "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley or "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil Mcgraw
you will see what i mean about fixing yourself first. <p>good luck

I agree with both of you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . C_G, I understand your questions COMPLETELY. I have several thoughts.<p>The thing we have to remember about Plan A, is it is about US. It's not to manipulate the WS off the fence. Recognize your contribution to the conditions that allowed an A to enter your mariage, and improve those things best you can. make yourself stronger, independent, and allow your WS to make her own decisions (mistakes).<p>She's not doing as great as we think. Many times, the WS is tormented by guilt, confusion, and wondering how they have lost control of their life. If they are not experiencing any pain right now, they will later. I would not want to be in their shoes at all. <p>Check out JDMAC1's lastest thread to see what happens when a BS seeks EN fulfillment from someone else. Not a good idea!!!<p>Be careful that you are not enabling her. Keeping the kids while she goes out to party with OM is an example. Paying for the cell phone bill for her communication with OM is another example. (not that you do these things - I don't know if you do or not - just examples of what I mean.)<p>Plan A is not being a doormat. You are bettering yourself, learning, taking care of yourself, while you wait for the affair to end a natural death. Stats show they are usually over within 6 months to 2 years. Even if they were living the "high life" (which they probably aren't), are you willing to wait to have your wife back?<p>Set some boundaries if you need to. (like the baby-sitting and cell phone examples I used). Check out the 180's info on Terrified's recent thread about the letter from her friend.<p>Fence-sitting may be a comfy for a little while, while 2 men are meeting her needs, but that fence gets uncomfortable after a while. OM will get tired of it, and your W will have to make a decision at some point - whether forced by the OM, her conscience, or you. You will not Plan A forever. You are making improvements to yourself, and laying a good foundation for the time that you may have to go to Plan B.<p>Well, enough rambling. Hope that made some sense. We know how you feel. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] really! Hang in there!!!<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Your observations are astute, I think.<p>Cake eating is something my WW became very, very good at. She's still doing it, but I think reality is making it harder and harder for her to do it like she has been.<p>For the WS, reality is the enemy. That's why things like setting boundaries, in some specific cases talking to OP, etc. are major "nightmares" of WS's.<p>So some good lessons come from that... allow reality to hit 'em. It's the only way they'll come back to it.<p>And one kind of reality is that you're not going to take this garbage forever. I gave myself about 6 months of Plan A, then did something very realistic - talked to OM (caution: not for everyone's situation!). That's started changing things, big time. Even if WW doesn't want to admit it sometimes, it has changed things forever between them.<p>Plan B is another dose of reality. Some of the divorce busting approaches are reality. Tough love approaches are reality. Yup, they hate it. But reality is reality. Feelings change all the time - reality rarely does.

confused_guy, what do you think about our replies?<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Faith...
Like anyone who is going through this for the first time you really don't understand what Plan A is at first. You think you know what Plan A is but you really don't until you are at that point that you are ready to move on to Plan B. I understand what Plan A is now and that has taken myself some time to learn that. I am at the in between stage right now where I am thinking about moving to Plan B but still working with Plan A.

One thing I have realized the most is at first I was asking, why me. Why is this happening to me. Learning from this board it happens way too much to just more then me in this world.<p>Everyday I am learning more about me and those old boundries that I never crossed are now being crossed. Yes I a man but I am not going to lie. This is a struggle and it is hard on me. One day I will probably be able to look back at this period and say this has made me a better person in general. But of course at this moment when I am dealing with it I would rather not be in this situation. <p>I have no desire nor will I go out and seek someone to fill my EN's. I have read a lot of posts on here about ppl making that mistake. Also my wife has admitted to me several times that this other man was a mistake. Because the OM is a boy compared to me.....