Hello:<p>I just wanted to be heard. I guess I want to vent.
I feel tired of asking my husband not to contact OW. As I told before she will be living for another several months because she has leukemia.
I feel I should have pity on her. But on the other hand I will just think that my husband is staying with me because she died. I asked my husband that he would at least contact her from a library computer because I can't calmly see their messages to each other at home. I know that as soon as I go out somewhere they talk to each other whether on a telephone or on a computer. I am able to see their chats because I have a special programm. My husband knows that I can see everything on a computer so he speeks with her with their own abbreviations.
I am tired and sad.<p>My husband saying that I shouldn't be so cold hearted and that she will die in a couple months and everything will be on their own places again.<p>What makes me also sad that my husband wish he could go see and comfort her. But she doesn't want yet because she feels that when he leaves her after 3 days it will much hurt her.<p>It just feels too much hurt when you have to share the love of your husband with OW.
I don't know how other people doing it for months.

TGov --<p>I surely hear you and I'm sorry for what you're going through; it's very sad and I ache for you and your confusion and tiredness and pain.<p>No one should have to share their spouse's love with OP, that's not the way this is supposed to be at all. But you're right, people continue to put up with it month after month, sometimes year after year -- to what end? Your H's statement that YOU
shouldn't be so cold-hearted about the OW begs the question--HE shouldn't be so cold-hearted to do what he's doing with her...period! There shouldn't be OW in the picture...period!<p>I have to say that it's typical--even standard procedure--for the BS to cloud the issue with fog-ese and you're very right not to buy into it. It's just nonsense to have him attempt to justify his behavior with her illness = more alien-speak. There is NO justification for the BS to have an affair or to continue that obscene behavior, especially after you have asked him to stop. <p>This is a good place to come for support and advice as there are a lot of wise and sympathetic people here, many who have gone through or are going through exactly what you are. Hang in and post again to let us know how you're doing. We care...<p>Ammon

The leukemia is a non-issue. The issue is adultery. Regardless of whether he chooses to commit adultery with a healthy woman or a sick woman, he is still commiting adultery.<p>Have you been in Plan A? And if so, for how long? Have you read Love Must Be Tough?<p>There is no need to ask him to stop contacting her or anything like that. Looks like he's going to do what he's going to do regardless of whatever reasonable request you make. You need to decide what YOU want to do and then do it. Do you want to be a member of a harem? If not, and that's all he's offering you, then you can exit the M in whatever form you feel most comfortable, and you can inform him that if he's ever interested in a R with you again, he can let you know and you will consider it. Then, get on with YOUR life.<p>Seems like he's making his choices. What choices are you going to make? It's not about him and what he's doing or asking or demanding from you. It is about what YOU want and what course you are going to chart for yourself.<p>The only thing worth pitying the OW for is that she is apparently willing to meet the Almighty God of the universe with the blood of a M on her hands. I'd be trembling in my boots at that prospect. Praying for her eternal soul is appropriate, but incorporating her into your M is not.

Thank you very much for your support.<p>I am in a Plan A for about 4 weeks. I am trying to improve myself. But not always I can stop myself from argueing with my husband about his affair. He says it is not an affair, it it just a frendship. He thinks that affair should always include sex. But as he says she is too ill now to want any sex.
I haven't red yet "Love Must Be Tough". I certanly will. I am reeding now "Surviving an affair". Dr. Harley says that Plan A is for BS to try to stop WS's communications with OW.
But it seems like I am not able to do it.
My husband says that he would rather die himself then stop contacting her while she is ill.
He is asking me please wait a couple months until she dies. And during this time he wants to work on our marriage. But I don't know how to work on marriage if he doesn't even show me his Emails to her.
This secrecy just taking away my wish to satisfy his EN.

Dear TGov,
You shouldn't have to be the one feeling guilty b/c your H is having an EA with a dying woman! It's not his fault she's dying - it's not her fault she's dying - it's his choice to have a R with her, physical or otherwise and put you through the Hell of knowing about it. I agree with Conqueror that if I were her and about to meet my Maker, I'd be quaking in my boots.<p>If you find it too painful to wait while he takes care of her feelings while she's dying, and ignores yours, don't feel guilty about asking him to leave while he does this.<p>My H has had 2 EA's, both times claiming they are just friends and he's entitled to have E Rs with other women. After nearly 1 yr of plan A, I have finally told him I have nothing left to give and want us to separate. On the same day, he made the phone call to fix himself up with counselling, and has come out and admitted that he is the one with the problem. I'm too tired by now to care much, but I feel obligated to give him a chance since we have 2 boys.
Whether or not my trust can ever be restored or my feelings for him return, I just don't know.<p>My H also kept in touch w his OW by e-mail and cellphone. He has yet to open either to me, but doesn't know that I can read his e-mails. About 3 weeks ago I stopped reading his e-mails, so I don't know whether or not he is still in touch w OW or whether they have decided to cease their "friendship".<p>All I know is I have had it and said so, and that's the only thing that seems to have had an effect on him - the prospect of losing everything.<p>Perhaps if you suggest your H move out while he takes care of his OW, he might realize that when she's dead, he's going to wake up alone, with nothing, not even someone on the other end of the Internet.<p>I sound hard-hearted, but he doesn't sound like he's being very kind to you.<p>One day at a time - I'm sure you'll find a lot of sensible and positive advice from people here - they have really helped me.<p>Odile

The general suggestion for Plan A is 6 months, but I wonder what the Harleys would say about this particular situation. My number 1 suggestion would be to counsel with them.<p>Maybe the best thing for now is to suspend as much as you can thinking about the future and how you will feel if this or if that, such as if he only wants me because she's dead--that type of thing. You're not there yet. You don't know how you'll feel in 5 more months.<p>If you want to set a 6-month Plan A goal, you can do that by focusing in on the changes you want to make in yourself to enable you to be the person and spouse you want to be REGARDLESS of what happens in your M. This is what got me through many horrible times when my H was treating me abominably. I would continue to do what the spouse *I* wanted to be would do and concentrated on that instead of whether my H DESERVED it or not (usually not). I would even fantasize that I was perfecting this or that skill for my NEXT H, who WOULD deserve it, and I'd be ready.<p>You could just make that a project for yourself. Yes, you are supposed to negotiate no contact, but try to do it in a nonemotional non-LB way. When he asks you to wait until she's dead, you could say whether she is alive or dead, our M cannot be rebuilt as long as she is a presence within it. As long as he is committed to her or her memory, he will be in no position to contribute or participate in marital recovery. You can state that to him. Then, just go on with your life and enjoy everything there is to enjoy.<p>When you feel you have accomplished your goals in Plan A--have eliminated LBs from your interaction with your H and have learned to meet his legitimate ENs (not enabling or condoning his A), then you can move to Plan B. Another indicator for Plan B is if you are in danger of losing your love for your H, and with his behavior it sounds like that could be a very real possibility.