W is filing for D in 1 month, we have been exchanging emails however she still calls me names and doesnt trust me, has told me that she has her next husband picked out, I miss her so much, yet I know that only she can forgive me, and give me a chance, I will continue to pray, wondering what to say if I can muster up the courage to email her, everytime I tell her that God wants our marriage to heal, she says that she has a right to divorce due to my unfaithfulness, looks like it is over, what can I say in email that would hopefully spark some creative discussion?

Gads---you have alot of baggage to deal with. Multiple marriages, step children, affairs....are you getting professional help? <p>This may be the time to really get some constructive feedback and make some major positive changes in your life. Try to focus on yourself and look at what you can change that has put you in the place you are now. Poor judgments and destructive desires propel us into deeper anguish. Learn from others on these threads, read the books suggested and keep growing. I do not think words are gonna do it for your W. Action speak louder than words so put your love into action. If you don't know how, then make it a point to learn how. <p>TW

She is technically right that God allows divorce in the case of adultery, but I know there is more to it than that. When you are in communion with God, you don't try to get your way through technicalities. I knew God would ALLOW me to divorce my H and would not hold it against me. HOWEVER, I knew in my heart that the reason God allows it is because He knows the awful pain of the betrayal of MY adultery committed against Him when I sin, and he ALWAYS takes me back.<p>In my first M, that H was unrepentant of his adultery, and my way was more clear. In this M, this H was repentant and seeking my forgiveness, as you are with your W. This presents a different choice. I also know that God wants to save my H, wants my H restored to Him, and while He has many ways to draw my H to Him, He has made it clear to me that *I* am His first choice of instrument to do that with.<p>Of course, this type of insight ONLY comes when you are seeking God's face and trying to bring every part of yourself into obedience under the shelter of His wings. From the little you have told us, it doesn't appear that your W is doing that, but there is nothing you can do about that, and I suspect that any talk about God or the Bible or religious issues coming from you is probably an LB to her because it sounds like she thinks SHE is the only righteous one.<p>I think prayer without ceasing is your first step. And I would just keep it simple. I would not react to any of her baiting, name-calling, what-have-you. Look to Christ for your example. Be humble. Be loving. Try to hollow yourself out and let Him inhabit you and use you to reach your W. I think a simple, "I love you and feel honored to have you as my wife." or something along those lines sounds right to me. Simple, solid. She is STILL your wife even if she has her next H picked out. Right now, she is still YOUR W.<p>Love her with His love. Read all the passages with instruction on how a H is to relate to his W and how Jesus relates to His wife, the church. Follow those instructions and examples.

Thank you so much, I am working really hard to let my actions speak for themselves, from giving her a card with a poem to calling my stepdaughter to ask for forgiveness and her ask her to go out to dinner, I will concentrate on scriptures on how husbands are to treat W's and that is where I fell short. Until I know for sure that she has filed, I know that I have a chance to show by actions, that I deserve a second chance, and I am going to weekly counseling and I know that right now she is the holy one, I accept and understand that, the other thing is that I am not going to let the fact that it seems hopeless to get me into a situation with someone else only for a physical thing, because, I feel that she has someone makes me want to go out and get someone too. And I know that we are still married and adultery is adultery, I get that know and have been very careful to guard myself against any thing that would be a temptation to me, which includes no females at my house period. I have female friends (3) and they all know I love my wife and want her back very much, they also tell me that I should move on, and I don't listen because I know that God hates divorce and wants all marriages healed!

Just curious. This W is full of hate. Is she setting you up to fail? Just a question. No need to answer if you don't want to. But maybe another view or approach may help. <p>Seems like she wants to see you sweat. The reason why I ask is because she 'claims' to have her next H picked out. Kinda vindictive. <p>You need to be good but don't allow yourself to become a doormat. Even though you were the WS, doesn't mean you can not be forgiven. <p>L.

Great point Orchid, I am sweating profusely right now, and will sweat for a while until I get the D papers, she is so full of hate that it would take a miracle for this M to work, and I know in God all things are possible! And she is very vindictive, read my past posts.

The steps you may be suggested to take is similar to the ones the BS have to undertake. Kinda like a reverse A. Unless your W is setting herself up for a revenge A. <p>Hope that doesn't make you go off the deep end. Breathe and concentrate. In/out.......relax...ah........ <p>Now go do some reading...get back to us with your thoughts. Remember to breathe!!!<p>L.

Yeah Orchid I think you are right, she is I believe already involved in a relationship with a man right now, what I don't understand is why she won't just file for D, I have told her that I don't want D and will not D her, I still Love her, however I do feel it slipping away, because I am so lonely right now, yeah I know if I really wanted to I could have someone here to comfort me but I only think about her and how we really need to be communicating right now, but even though she has said it is ok to email, I am hesitate because of the tone of all of her answers, I want to make every time I communicate with her count and not have any LB's, and I am open to suggestions, just know that I am responsible for my actions and am determined to not let that happen again, whomever I am with, hopefully it is my W! And I keep reminding myself to breathe!

Well, she is not holy if she is not obedient or is having a R with another man. However, that is not your concern. Your concern is YOUR R with God, and whether she files or not, she is YOUR W, and your job is to treat her accordingly. Even after she files, she will still be your W until the D is final.<p>I just don't think you can go wrong if you follow the Biblical instructions and examples for husbands. Even if she continues headlong down the road of D, you will still be under submission to the Lord and learning what you need to learn to be God's man and the husband He wants you to be, and nothing but good can come from staying on that road.<p>As far as communication with your W is concerned--stay in the present, and like I said, until there is a final divorce decree, she is your W, and no matter what she is doing, if your goal is to be right with God, focus on your R with Him first and foremost. Have you read the book of Hosea?

It seems that the recurring theme here is for me to learn how to be a Godly husband, I will start with ephesians and I am open to any other suggestions. I just got email from W today which is the first communication from her in 6 days, she was telling me that our tax refund was rejected and that it would take longer to get the money back because we were filing electronically. At least it was positive and not calling me names, she even ended the message with an I will keep you posted. I really want to talk to her on the phone but it is not time yet, I still have not heard from my stepdaughter about the father daughter dinner at church on 4/13/02 we went last year but she said she wanted to run it by her mother before she let me know for sure. I am sure that she would have talked to her mother by now, and so hopefully that is a good sign, I just knew that W would send me an email to not contact her, but so far, so good. I am also having a problem my mail going to her new address, the problem that I have is I think she came by the house last night and put my mail in the mailbox, and wondering why. She had evened opened some of it that was clearly meant for me, like phone bill and cable bill. I really miss her and pray that we will get a chance to talk real soon.