Having a hard time dealing with H inability to "get in the mood". This had never been a problem until about 6 months ago. The OW made mention that he was "very sexual". I don't see that now. He is working extra long hours. We talk about it during the day and kid each other but as soon as he hits the pillow. Snoozeville. I was curious as this is a question you don't randomly ask people, (MB being the exception). Can you tell me what the norm for you is.
Thank you<p>married 22 years
D-Day 1 year ago
recovery going well except for this

Funny... we were discussing this in the teacher's lounge yesterday at lunch... I believe a womens' magazine put the average times per month at 11.<p>Now pre d-day... that would have been high for H & I... we had dwindled down to 3-4 times per month... <p>For some reason after d-day things amped up and we are more in tune w/ the average... 2-4 X per week now... that was last April and so far isn't showing signs of dwindling.<p>Cali

Dont laugh or go holy sh*t....or even say, YAH RIGHT...BUT<p>pre d-day: 2-3 times a week
after d-day: 6-10 times a week, maybe more, don't count anymore. W instigates sex more now. Pre d-day, I did all of that.<p>Sittin here, cant wait till nest time either! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Believe it or not, but sex is more desired or wanted now than it has been in a long time. Well at least since the first 6 months of datings and kids. We were "like rabbits", come to think of it, thats how we got the kids. As Homer Simpson would say, "DOH!"<p>Anyways...................<p>[ March 28, 2002: Message edited by: wrestlingwithlove ]</p>

Cali: Thanks for the reply. I had to laugh when you mentioned the "lounge". Being of that profession,I know how "interesting" the topics of conversation can be. On the serious side though, 11 scares me. That would be a good number in my eyes. BUT it's down to 3, maybe 4 times a month now. All I know is I am not feeling secure AT ALL.

Hugs K9love...<p>Have you tried different 'times?' Like in the A.M.? Many men wake up aroused... I use that to my advantage... (with my H... not many men [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ...)<p>That's now my H's and my time now... very rarely is it bedtime.... oh... and btw... I initiate fairly often... or let him 'know' I am interested... <p>Cali

Cali" Yes, I have tried that. Pre-A I seldom initiated. Now I do all the time (lord I feel like a tramp, just kidding). He hugs and reassures me, but something is wrong. He says his drive isn't what it used to be. Unfortunately this really gets to me. His drive with her was fine. I cannot honestly say I know the "real reason" his A occured. One of the reasons he gave me was our stale sex life, but hey, I see history repeating itself. It's almost as if he's not able to get in the mood now that we're back in the routine of life. He has a thrill seeking personality.

Wrestling: Well good for you. I bet you two are in great physical shape. Keep up the good work!

In this area... don't be his 'wife.' Give him a thrill... I've done some stuff in the last few months that has him raisin' his eyebrows wondering where I learned it... (he's my one & only... so when I do something new....)<p>I used to laugh at the stuff in Cosmo or Redbook... now I USE IT... <p>I have to say though... H and I have always been pretty connected in this area... if I lost all the weight I need to... he'd be in heaven...<p>2ndly... has he seen a dr.? sometimes there are real medical reasons for disinterest... H was taking something 8 or 9 years ago, for his stomach... made it difficult for him to have 'staying' power... if you get my drift.... went off that medication pretty darn fast...<p>depression??? sometimes WSs are in a depression (that 'dead' feeling) and the A gives them that adrenaline rush... that feeling of being alive and wakes up those sexual urges... when it's gone the depression resurfaces... maybe even stronger than before...<p>How honest can you get with this with him? Can you discuss mutual fantasies? <p>Hugs again,
Cali

Okay.. I have to ask something.. <p>If W and I had the time to act 11 times a month, I wouldn't know what to do. I'm not being sarcastic... but jeez... I was lucky to be on the receiving end or on the giving end maybe 3 times a month and THAT's alot for her and I. Well for me... it was never enough. <p>Now my question... What do you think the correlation between the usage of pornography and that average is? To me.. I was more suseptible to magazine porn, internet porn, video porn and wanting more than my wife in the bedroom, BECAUSE, my needs weren't even close to the "NATIONAL AVERAGE" (which, I had read it was around 8 times a month, but that's been about 5 years ago). Is there a direct correlation between male seeking out porn and the LACK of SF near the 'average' at home?<p>Thanks... sorry to hijack your post..

Cali: I have tried that. Believe me, I even started studying up on Kuma Satra (if that's how it's spelled). <p>I fear it is a depression. I am afraid that his A gave him that thrill that did revitalize his drive. <p>Now what? The OW told me that he had said " I want excitement in life".<p>Am I doomed to live the rest of my life with someone who cannot "get the feeling" with me?<p>Gads, as if his A wasn't bad enough!!!!

Husband:<p>Needs have to be met. I am not advocating using pornography nor am I disputing it. I do believe that as humans a need must be met and if it is not, well we find ways to meet it within ourselves.

Hi H2Y...<p>I'm just starting to work out the 'sexual' side to all of this... I can't remember who... maybe Conquerer posted about a book called "The Passionate Marriage." Interesting book regarding the connection between sexual dysfuction and intimacy and divorce/affairs... The guy who wrote it is a 'sex therapist.'<p>...but it wouldn't surprise me that the use of 'porn' would lead to dissatisfaction in the bedroom with spouse... it raises all those 'expectations.' and fantasy is rarely reality... also... if she wasn't 'participating,' then she didn't have the whole picture of what you wanted...<p>I think the key to my H and I will be when we actually get real with the sex thing... what it all means... what our 'connection' really is... <p>did I even come close to answering your Q?<p>Cali

NO!!! His depression has to be treated... his own feelings of inadequacy... self-esteem...<p>Is HE seeing an individual therapist?<p>The aforementioned book in post to H2Y might be a good one for you to check out as well.<p>Cali

Well, In my profession I ask women about their sex life..get to hear the stories 20-30 times daily...and I can tell you, the variety is amazing.<p>Quanity vs quality. Are both partners happy with the frequency? I have very happy patients "doing it" 3-4 times a month..and some that are at it each day and couldn't be more miserable.<p>The difference..physical vs emotional intimacy.
Many people are much freer being physically intimate than emotional. Emotional is scary..gotta let someone in those deep dark places..real emotional intimacy is sharing hopes, dreams, failures, successes, fears..the whole gamut. By contrast, "slapping genitals" is a piece of cake.<p>In recovery it seems like most BS want to get that physical connection..it's reassuring for a short while...but, are we using that as a substitute or shortcut to regaining emotional intimacy.<p>So, K-9, my question would be how has the emotional connection been? He's working extra hours..is that financial necessity, or an escape. Can you give the physical side a vacation in favor of doubling efforts to get your 15 hours recreational time? What are his other top needs? If he was spending time talking to you about his feelings would you feel more reassured even without SF?<p>Something to think about.
The Passionate Marriage is a good book..as is the website..he has a good group of tapes also.
T

Funny I was going to post this same topic a few weeks ago...
Weell for me even 1-2 times a month would even be nice (and an improvement) though I would be more happy of course with a few times a week or even once a day [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Then again Im a 25 year old male so hey.<p>
-HI<p>[ March 28, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

Wow- 11 times amonth!! 8 times a month!!! That seems remarkable. That's more like a year in my marraige. And there has been no sex at all for 8 1/2 months now.<p>Whenever I bring up these "national averages" with my wife (even well before d-day) she would say they were lies. She would then claim that her friends didnt do it that much. When I would press her for how she knew (i.e. do they talk about that stuff?) she would say no- but she "knew" that her friends didnt do it that much.<p>My marriage is getting better every day now- my wife has practically ceased all contact with OM- (although he sends her e-mails-she doesn't read them). But still no intimacy- no passionate kissing- minimal touching.<p>But I think at some point (I wish I knew when) the SF will resume. I just wish it could be 2X a week! That would be a good start!

Wow, what a thread to come onto in the morning.<p>Pre D-Day norm 2-3/month (could fluctuate downward, never up). Just after D-Day when we were "working" on things 2-3/week. Now (past 5 months) back to 2-3/month. <p>I must say that the quality now is off the charts compared to pre D-Day. Hardly ever seems obligatory. Still not enough for me, but only a "survivor" type diet as opposed to the starvation diet it used to be. Pre D-Day SF made me feel closer/warm/connected but resentful, because it seemed so obligatory on her part. I had to have it, but I hated it at the same time. Yikes! Now, the resentment is mostly gone (because she seems more willing) so only good stuff comes out of SF.<p>When we were up to 11/month (for those two months) I have to honestly say that I was satiated. When we did our EN survey I said 3-4 times per week *might* be enough. When we were feeling close *all* the time, I found I didn't have to have SF, cuddling was just fine. <p>When I read about people who have "agreed" to schedule 1day/week for SF I think that might be a good idea. Removing the uncertainty and frustration might help improve quality. I just worry that 1day/week might still not be enough, especially knowing what's "possible".<p>During the past several years (5-10) I had a few periods of intense internet porn browsing. My W would reject me, so I'd go "looking". After looking at lots of stuff I realized that thinking of my W and how we fit together made my heart pound and race much faster than *anything* I could find on the internet- it was just not a substitute. And, ended up doing nothing to satisfy my SF needs, just made me sad and embarrassed. I guess a little angry too, knowing that there was only one way to satisfy that need and I didn't have any say or control in whether it happened.<p>My copy of "Passionate Marriage" is in the mail and supposed to arrive TODAY (according to UPS). I heard a lot about that book recently so I can't wait....<p>Jeffers

Wow what a topic while drinking my morning coffee!! AT the time I was learning about the computer whores he was with while I was in bed waiting for him it seemed like it was whenever H decided he wanted the real thing just as a change of pace.
But then after I confronted him I really thought things would work out and we would be very intimate again. I did not count on being uterly disgusted with him and now avoid it at all costs. I'm talking once every few months. I have having a hard time getting past the hurt and just don't want to share myself with him after he was so selfish with himself.

K9, it's easy to get scared when the WS isn't so interested in sex. Why the heck did they have an A? I deal with that too, but in our case I know a lot of the answers.<p>Pre A 3-5 times a month.<p>Separations/reconciliations numbers 2-5, nearly every day. (when WAS he doing it with her?)<p>Now 3-5 times a month. But, we've got 2 teenagers in the house, one an early bird, one an owl, he's in 4 month new stressful job, having back problems, I have arthritis and have been really fatigued...and we are busy busy busy. I do get depressed about it when I realize that H & I can be home alone on an evening or morning or even lunchtime and neither one of us thinks of taking it as an opportunity!<p>However, we are pretty frequent with foot and backrubs. Does that count [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ? Kinda sorta?<p>Hmmm, I have the book PASSIONATE MARRIAGE on my to-be-read pile, may be time to bump it to the top. A couple years ago there were some posters here on MB highly recommending it.

My H and I have sex usually once a day. If it is my ToM, it is not abnormal for me to continue "taking care" of him. My H has a very high sex drive, and mine has gone up a lot in the past year and or so. I used to have an "if you can't beat em, join em attitude. Now I truly enjoy it, and my H can tell. He is eating it up. <p>I like what the poster said about not being just his wife, you have to be crazy and have some fun. One night he was working on his car in the garage. I had just taken a bath, and I put on a robe. I walked out and stopped where I knew the neighbors couldn't see me and gave him a nice flash... he was in the house lickity split. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]