Last night I did not take care of my H's EN's in regards to post affair fears. I wanted to share what happened and see if those of you in this situation can relate.
I came home last night and my H was finishing up shaving right when I got in. I went in and changed, then sat down. He comes out and I tell him I took Friday off, he asks "Why?" in kind of a nasty tone. I of course say I want a day off, I'd like to spend it with our daughter. The phone rings and he goes off to get it. Meanwhile I spill my water that I had made when I got home. I am cleaning it up and he comes in with the phone, it's his mom. He hands me the phone, she wants to talk to me. This interrupts my cleaning. He picks up what is left of what I have done and starts *****ing about me not finishing. I get off the phone and am like, what is up. He asks me if I am seeing OM right now, he has a feeling something is up. At this point I am getting defensive, because absolutely nothing is up, as a matter of fact I have been completely devoted to him. The last convo I had with OM, we wished each other well in working on our marriages and agreed it would be best not to talk. My OM has never wanted to break up our marriage, and I feel the same about him.<p>So, he starts to get really pissed because I am not seeing why he is mad/feeling insecure right now. Finally, we figure out that he is mad because I didn't tell him what I was doing off on Friday, I forgot our D is supposed to go to MIL's for an easter egg hunt that day (normally she would be with me). He just started a new job, and can not call me hardly at all. He thought I was plotting some time to myself. I reassure him the only reason I took off is to take care of errands I haven't been able to do. I tell him my plans, and he starts to feel better. We discuss the fact that since he is working someplace that he can not call me when he wants, it is making him anxious. He is also anxious because he will probably be on an evening shift once training is complete. I tell him I am glad he tells me what is upsetting him, so I can make sure I make him feel secure. We chalk it up to a big misunderstanding, and lingering affects of the affair. I think it is good that this happens from time to time, instead of him building resentment. This doesn't happen every day, but I noticed a pattern of about every few weeks or so it happens. He says I am doing an awesome job of making him feel secure about my intentions, every once in a while I slip. We agreed it is not possible to be perfect all the time (my monthly visitor had just came and it was kicking my butt, he had forgotten about that too). We ended up making up and having a very nice evening. The argument was kind of cleansing, we both cried. He thinks I am burying the pain of what I did to him in the affair, and am not addressing it. I think he is right, that is so like my personality. I told him it is hard for me to swallow the fact I have tainted our marriage forever. He said that is true, you have tainted it. He then said you haven't tainted my love for you though. <p>I wanted to see if any of you out there could relate to this. <p>Also, one time we were at a restaurant and ran into an old friend of mine. She came up hugging on me and showing me pics of her new baby. She had divorced her H (who my H and I both knew) and remarried someone knew. This sent him off the deep end, he did not want me hanging around her. It caused a huge fight. He didn't know until we saw her that they were no longer together, and he could just see me getting ideas. He later apologized, and I now can see were he was coming from.

I can definately relate to your H he has the normal fears and mistrust for a BS. How long has it been since d-day and since contact ended? I think it will get better with time, but be sure to take the lead in feeding him info about what you are doing or feeling at least for a while. Remember the A you cause traumatized him and the M. You have to earn back the trust the A broke apart.<p>It probably WOULD be a big relief to your H if you spent time with your married friends if you have any as opposed to single friends or friends you knew during the A.<p>My wife's only good friend in the area is a younger girl who used to double date with my WW and her OM. And my WW cant seem to understand why I might have an issue with that.<p>At least you get it.<p>remember EMPATHY is REALLY REALLY important for BOTH the WS and BS who want to recover. Put yourself in his shoes and reanalyze your actions. I think he understand he has to start extending some trust too.. but I dont know how long it has been since everything went down.<p>godbless. <p>-HI

FMWB,
I can totaly relate to what he is feeling, I too am a man and a BS and in good recovery nearing 2 years now. You are doing all the right things, be understanding when he feels insecure, call him often to let him know that you are thinking good thoughts about him, (this helps him to know that it is him that you are thinking about not OM) if he has a pager page him with a secret code to let him know that you love him....
All these little things will build his trust, confidence, love and respect for you again and at the same time put his mind at ease.
Before D-day for me, I was very confident and secure with myself and my marriage but after d-day I was devistated and it took this kind of support from my WS to help me forget about the A. It was hard for her at first, she was in the fog for a long time because her A lasted for nearly 2 years but by the grace of God we made it and are doing better than ever.
It will get better, keep up the good work.
Hope this helped.<p>SH

I appreciate all the feedback. It is good to know the right things to do to help him thru the rough spots. I realize I have severely traumatized him, he too was confident and thought our marriage was wonderful. I have so shattered his confidence, trust and self esteem, and it is up to me to help him with rebuilding it.<p>Thanks so much for all of your kind words. Oh, and D-day was October 27, 2002.