Hi All,<p>Just told WW I'd agree to a divorce yesterday. We've been separated since early December, 2001. Some of you have may seen my story here before. She lives about two hours away,I don't know her address and she will not give me her phone number.
We communicate via e-mail only. That's the only way she wants it to be.<p>Her A is still going on but may be waning. She actually sent me a friendly e-mail expressing concern for my mother who was recently diagnosed with cancer. I saw that as a glimmer of hope but I was so wrong! The next day she sent one insisting on a divorce. Said she'd do it if I didn't. I know she doesn't have a lot of money so I agreed to do it myself.<p>Am I a fool? I feel like one. I love this woman so much that I'm willing to pay for a divorce that I DO NOT WANT! <p>I've read SAA and other books. I'm reading the boards every day. My W checked out this site but said it was "boring". She is so wrapped up in OM.<p>Just wanted to say thank you to all on here that post. It truly has helped me. Comforted me as well. You are great.

Can't say much as I am not in the same situation but the consensus on this forum seems to be if WS wants out of the M then let them do the dirty work. DO NOT PAY FOR A D, IF ITS NOT WHAT YOU WANT!! If she wants one that bad she'll find a way to get it. JMHO.

GB - I went back and reviewed a little bit of your previous posts before posting this reply. From what I read, this battle isn't over unless you want it to be. She is still deep in the fog. That's why you are getting blamed for everything from her unhappiness to the weather.<p>If you don't want the divorce, then don't file for it!!!!. You keep saying that you want to rebuild, so why file for divorce just to make her happy. It won't make her happy, you know...<p>She is confused as to what she wants and is trying to get you to make the decision for her. It's kind of a catch-22. She wants you to make the decision, but she only wants to allow you one choice. In your place, I might just let her know in a respectful manner that I am not yet ready for a divorce, therefore will not file. If that is what she wants, she should file and you can drag your feet a little without being obstructionist.<p>If you still have the stomach for it, hold your ground for as long as you can. I wish there was something else I could do to help, but your W needs to work this out for herself.

Hi Mike,<p>I agree completely with DeWayne. If you don't want the D then don't file. I see it as a boundary for you and not necessarily an LB to (as DeWayne put it) respectfully let your W know you are not ready for a D, and if she wants one she'll need to do the filing. <p>A WS deep in the FOG, such as your wife, has a hard time concentrating on anything other than the A or OP. She may not be equipped to do what it takes to file. Her filing would probably punch a reality hole in her fantasy bubble, which is a good thing for you.<p>JMHO ....<p>Best,
Jo<p>[ March 28, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

She wants a divorce but wants you to file it because she has no money, well too bad. You might want to ask her,in a nice way, why doesn't OM give her the money to file it seeing how he loves her so much.<p>Sometimes it really isn't an issue of money becuase where there is a will there is a way. No, it may be that by you filing for divorce she then can say to herself and others that it was YOU that terminated the M and not her or her A.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe

Bump for more responses. ^

getting better,<p>Let her file it !. My WW served me w/ borrow money, probably from OM. I have to pay the money anyway as part of the file. Don't be surprise if you Dv her and later she say that you want it not her and why you agree to it.<p>-RH-

Thanks for the advice everyone! It means a lot to me. You are all so kind.
I've told W in every way I know that I don't want a divorce and have been trying to put it off for as long as I can.
I haven't been very succesful in plan A because she resists all contact with me. I haven't even heard her voice since New Year's Day. I really miss the feel of her hand in mine, her arms holding me, the laughter of the kids. All to some sleaze she met in a chat room. I'm at the end of my ropes.
By now everyone knows I'm confused. I'm not afraid to admit it. These emotions are incredible.
I've been getting counseling and thank God for that. It's helped immensely. Forgive me, I'm just having a bad and lonely evening. Thanks for letting me vent [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I may sound like a basket case tonight but I'm not. I actually am "Getting Better" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Just a bad evening. You all know what I'm talking about. I'm going to be fine.<p>Peace, Hope, Love

Another vote for not filing. You don't buy booze for an alcoholic. Don't buy a D for a WS in the fog. She needs to feel the consequences of her own choices. Don't make it easy on her. I'd just leave it be without comment until she pins you to the wall with demands about it, then just a simple, "I changed my mind. I love you. I love my family. I won't be filing." And leave it at that. No matter what she demands or threatens, you remain a broken record: I love you. I love my family. My choice is marriage, not divorce.

Conqueror,
You said it very well. I had a weak moment. I'm going to do as you said. After all it makes perfect sense. I DO NOT want this. If she does, then let her do it. I will still keep my appointment with the attorney to get advice but I am not going to file. I'm not going to buy booze for the alcholic. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]
Thanks!!!!!

I e-mailed WW yesterday telling her if she wants a DIV then she'll have to do it herself. I phrased it in the most respectful and considerate way I could.
The response I received was hateful. She has never spoken to me that way before. She told me that she is through with me and to not even e-mail her anymore.
Well, I figured she was through with me when she left in December!
I may not have done a very good job trying to save this marriage but I did try. In a way I feel like I've let all the one's on this board that have lent me advice down. I really think it's over now.
Better luck to the rest of you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Mike,<p>It's not over till it's over. Sounds like a typical reaction when someone realizes they're not in control anymore.<p>I DID choose to divorce my ex-H, and when I got home from the first hearing, there was a nasty, yelling, cursing, carrying-on message on my answering machine from him.<p>By the end of that month, he was calling and asking to come home. By then it really was over for me, though. But I tell you that because you never know what will happen next when they're off the deep end like that.<p>[ March 30, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Conqueror,
Thank you for your encouragement. I notice you post an e-mail address. If that's yours, and I'm assuming it is, may I have your permission to write you?
Thanks in advance.<p>[ March 31, 2002: Message edited by: getting better ]</p>

Permission granted.