I had a session with Jennifer Harley on Monday night. She helped me fine tune my Plan B. One of the things she suggested was with financial support. I am paying my WS both alimony and child support, a fairly large sum each month, large enough that she as not had to work in 8 months.
My WS does stay home with our 2 children durning the day which is good versus daycare.<p>Since my wife has the A while we were married, anc continues to have the A, Jeniffer stated that I should attempt to stop the alimony. I discussed with my laywer and he agreed and sent her the lettter today.<p>I know that this will help reality to set in for her, but I feel very bad for doing this to her,
this may force her to go back to work and put our children in daycare. I have very mixed emotions about this. I know that the OM does not make enough to support her.<p>Any advice?
Thanks
Dave

The advise you received makes sense. Otherwise there is no reason at all for her to stop with her actions.
The fact that you give her a large sum of money to live and have sex with the OM makes it look like you are accepting of the situation and in fact encouraging it. She must learn that actions have consequences. You are not her sugar daddy but her husband and if she perceives you as a doormat then what is the point. I am sure she would never accept the situation if the roles were reversed. She must learn to respect you and this is one way of making her hopefully come out of the fog. It is also a way for you to come out of the fog. I wish you luck.

I agree with Jennifer Harley, but what if your WW files for separation and then you are required by law to do both? If this can be the case, then you are back to square one<p>Joe<p>[ March 28, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

We are legally seperated and I am required
to pay both child support and alimony. When
we got legally seperated I was not aware of the A. Now that I have new evidence that the A was going
on during the marriage, I can challenge the
alimony.

Is it fair to punish the children though? Make them go to daycare, just to bring wife out of the fog??

hi dave!
I havent heard from you in a while good to hear you are still around. I think it is a good idea to stop giving WW money, but the kids are a stick situation... is there anyway either of your parents could watch them?<p>-HI

Shannon,<p>Perhaps her OM can support her. She is living with him. If the best for the children was a concern to her, SHE had other options including filing for divorce. It seems to me Davepr has the right not to support her. He is still sending child support.<p>Don't worry I am not mad at you or anything, it just seems to me that slavery was abolished in this country along time ago. He is not required and shouldn't be required to work to support her just because she exists while she is having an affair and has basically left family.<p>He is supporting the children, she is the one that is not. That's my opinion for what it is worth.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Shannon1:
<strong>Is it fair to punish the children though? Make them go to daycare, just to bring wife out of the fog??</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Is it fair that by her actions she is punishing the children more?<p>Is it fair that having a mother or father out of the fog in the best interests of the children?<p>Is it fair that children see that their mother or father with two companions?<p>Joe<p>[ March 28, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

HI- both of our families are in NY so there is no one that can watch them. She has the children from 8-6 every workday. I have them every workday night and every other weekend. OM is not living with her but is there alot, he lives with his parents.
I certainly don't want to punish the children, but many children go to day care as they have no choice. Here is my typical day, get up, shower, dress, eat, get kids up, eat, dressed, take daughter to preschool, take son to WS apartment, got to work, pickup kids at WS after work, eat, read books to kids, get ready for bed, then repeat. I am tierd to working so that WS and OM can hang out at night and be together, Why should she ever come back, she has the best of both worlds. I meet her Financial Needs, and OM meets other needs including SF.
Dave

You didn't answer my question Dave. Did your attorney tell you if she filed for separation that she still might get the financial support that is helping her maintain her A?<p>Joe

Hi Joe,
We are already legally seperated. We signed the legal seperaton prior to me knowing about the A.
She gets $1500/month child support, and $500/month
alimony and 20% of my bonus for child support. My lawyer can go back to court with the new evidance that the A was going on and get the $500/month
alimony terminated. I also pay pre-school for my
daughter and I make her car payment as part of the seperation agreement.
Dave

I'm "FOR" the proposed Alimony withdrawal. This will remove one of her major emotional needs she relys and depends on Dave for, "Financial Support". It's a good taste of reality and what it may be like if Divorced.<p>As far as the children going to Day Care as a result, I don't think Day Care would be considered suffering. I mean, No, it's not as nuturing as it would be with mom, but if W and Dave end up divorced, this is how it may very well end up, with the kids having to go to Day Care.<p>In addition, perhaps Day Care may be a good thing right now for those precious children. Less time they'll be spending with Mom and OM, which is IMHO, not an emotionally healthy situation for children to witness or b exposed to.<p>Jo<p>[ March 28, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 01:25 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

In Pennsylvania, you can challenge the "entitlement" to spousal support during separation. Adultery could be brought up. But once a divorce has been filed, the spousal support becomes alimony pendente lite, in the same dollar amount. And there is no challenging APL, because its purpose is to make sure the spouse has financial resources to pursue, or defend the divorce. After a divorce has been granted, then fault may (or may not) be considered by the judge in setting alimony.<p>I had the same question, whether to challenge my wife's entitlement to spousal support while separated. I didn't. All she would have to do, is come back down and file for divorce, in order to get the APL instead. So check and see if NY handles APL the same way, and if so, make sure you are prepared for the possible ramifications.<p>However, I did "force" her back to work. This is part of facing reality. And I think Shannon may have responded to one of my threads with a similar viewpoint, "do what's best for the kids and shield the WS". Although, it may have been a different Shannon.<p>- Tom

Yeah, this sounds like you are paying for one heck of an expensive day care.<p>I'm assuming that the 15 month old is not breastfeeding, so daycare might actually be a healthier environment than sitting at home watching M and OM play house.<p>Alimony or, as they mostly call it now, maintenance has a very specific purpose. It is to try and maintain the standard of living a person is accustomed to while adjusting to the new situation. It is used in some situations for the wife who has not been employed through the marriage to be able to obtain skills that would bring her up to speed for the current job market. <p>My suggestion would be for you to make a larger adjustment in the seperation agreement. It might be a good idea to rethink the whole thing, and change more than just the alimony.<p>You seem to be the primary caregiver for the most part. Here is my idea of how things could work nicely. Reminder, I am an idiot, and should never give advice to anyone, so ignore what I am about to write.<p>In regards to custody, Dave has joint custody with physical placement. The children's residence is with Dave, and they see their Mother every Wednesday evening, and every other weekend from 6 Friday evening till 6 Sunday evening. They spend 1 month during the summer with Mom, and alternate spring and winter breaks. <p>In regards to financial support, Mother pays Dave 25% of her income as child support and recieves no alimony or maintenance. <p>See, I guess I don't understand. Dave and the children live together, and he takes care of them. Why is he paying her child support? <p>She takes care of one child for the whole day, and the other for half the day, doesn't put them to bed or get up with them in the morning, doesn't wake up when a kid falls out of bed or has a nightmare and for 4 nights a month she is with the kids in case one wakes up crying or vomiting. She doesn't know when one needs new underpants or when the other has no matching socks. <p>Dave honey, what is she getting 2 grand a month for? She should be paying you dear. You are the one taking care of these children. <p>I'd sit down with your lawyer and go over your settlement. I get child support because I live with and take care of my children. I don't get any alimony or maintenance, even though I have been an at home mom most of the marriage.<p>This is going to sound really mean, but she needs to get a job and grow up. I am sorry for you that you are in this situation.<p>My cousin has a great nanny in NYC, and she takes care of the kids like they were her own. She is part of the family. I say get a nice live in nanny that will help with the housework, and give the kids a nice stable environment.<p>Elizabeth

Thanks for all the advice. In NC, the child support is based on my income and the time spent with each child, they just pluged the numbers into the computer and it spit out a number.
I do not mind the current arrangement with the children, my intention with cutting off the alimony is to make a stonger Plan B and force her out of the fog, if that is possible. OM can't support her financially so I want her to face reality. I already know what is going to happen tomorrow when she gets the letter, she will say this is just another example of me being controlling and that the children are going to suffer becuase she will have to move to a smaller rat infested place and I don't care about anyone but myself. My reply will be sorry that you feel this way.<p>Dave

She will, Dave.<p>She may say you only care about money, and you're selfish and uncaring. She may cry, or yell, or scream, or blame, or threaten .... or even, later on, try being sweet to get you to change your mind. <p>Please don't bite. Look at the long term goal and stay focused on that.<p>You're doing the very best you can for your family and for you marriage in an extremely difficult situation. You're to be admired.<p>Very Best,
Jo<p>[ March 28, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by davepr:
<strong>Hi Joe,
We are already legally seperated. We signed the legal seperaton prior to me knowing about the A.
She gets $1500/month child support, and $500/month
alimony and 20% of my bonus for child support. My lawyer can go back to court with the new evidance that the A was going on and get the $500/month
alimony terminated. I also pay pre-school for my
daughter and I make her car payment as part of the seperation agreement.
Dave</strong><hr></blockquote><p>If I were in your shoes I would do it in a heartbeat. Your lawyer should go back to court with the evidence of A.<p>I am nobody to give you advice but if Jennifer Harley said to me to cut the alimony off, I would do it.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe

Nobody "punished" the kids but your WS--when she decided to cheat on their father and continue to cheat in front of her kids' faces... What is she teaching those kids about marriage????? Do not feel bad nor guilty for your decision. You probably feel bad because you KNOW you can give your family a better life than OM and you know that SHE knows it too, yet she still chooses to be with the loser. If you keep up the FS tho, WS will NOT be able to clearly recognize OM's inability to meet this EN of hers... which you already know, which is why you wrote the letter. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. FIGHT the GOOD FIGHT! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Both of my children were in daycare from 8 weeks out of nec. They are ages 5 and 7 and better for it. The key is to make sure they go to quality daycare. I agree that this can be better than staying with WS and OM. The kids love the interaction with other kids at this age and become independent, which will help them when they go to school or if your WS does not come to her senses. The caretakers will give them additonal support with daily interaction. They are no longer little babies and will love the support of friends now. My kids are both doing well in school, have friends and a love of learning I think they got from those early days. You must do what was suggested by Jen. because the best thing you can do for those kids is to try and save your marriage. This can only happen with an effective plan B. Your WS needs to know what life is like without you meeting her EN. This is tough love, but do it for your marriage and for your kids. Good daycare will only make them better.