Here is what my WS sent to me in an e-mail, we have had not verbal contract in 4 days now, I gave up talking when we exchange the children (twice a day) as part of Plan B. She is upset that I will not let her spend time with my family while they are in town, the kids can, but I don't want her at my house with my family. Any comments or suggestions?
Thanks
Dave<p>
I never wanted all of this for you and our family. You know you have drove me to this state of mental exhaustion that I am in. I am very sorry for all of this, but if you had not made things worse and just given me the time I needed I could have had a more clear head. Yes, I have said some very cruel things and I am very sorry for that, I have acted out of anger and disappointment on both of our behalves. It is my feeling that you still need to control everyone and everything. I am sorry for that. It is too bad your stubborn attitude has not diminished, not allowing Lynda and Beth to have a nice time w/ the kids is not very nice on your behalf. What do you think you are going to prove to me by doing all of this? Just exactly one of the reasons why I am unable to figure this all out. I hope for their sake they will have a nice time. You know I am tired of you trying to intimidate me with all of your threats as well, did it ever occur to you that the reason I have said so many cruel and harsh things is because I am scared of you and the way you manipulate my every bit of existence. No one is to blame for all of this, we both need to take responsibility for our choices! I am extremely tired and Dr. Carr recommended me cutting back the dose when I saw him. I have not done that yet. It makes me jittery and unable to sleep. Sorry, but that is just one of the side effects.

David, I am very sorry that things between us are so rotten, but again I am not going to blame myself forever for all of this. You and I were best friends for a long time, but somewhere along the road we both changed. I am sorry for that, you are a good person.. It is too bad our children are going through all of this, they have wonderful parents together or apart and they are very lucky for that. Emily had pictures today at school and the photographer had tears with her smile and how well she did. His assistant told me that personally on the way out of school today. They loved her. She is a beautiful little girl. She has asked me all week to get her ears pierced, I told her it would hurt, she still wants to get it done. I will consider it. Brandon is adored by everyone who sees him. Although, he is hard to miss being so big! Anyway, I really do think you are a terrific father and these are two of the luckiest kids to have parents that love them.

Did you ever do a Plan A? (not that you have to - I felt my whole marriage was a Plan A so Plan A was not necessary for me). Did she get a Plan B letter? <p>Since you are in Plan B I would recommend NOT getting sucked into this conversation. She is feeling you withdraw and trying to figure out where you are. <p>As many times as she says she is not blaming, it sure sounds like blaming to me. <p>What threats is she talking about? Why would she be afraid of you? <p>What a roller coast her email is... what a contrast from the first paragraph to the second. <p>I think a good response would be either 1) no response at all or 2) I'm sorry you feel that way.

Davepr,<p>She doesn't understand does she? Probably doesn't want to understand that you are not punishing her, it would ruin the victim perspective.<p>I guess you could point out to her that Plan B is about you protecting YOUR love of her. It also frees her from ALL control by you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Odd that when people stop interacting it is viewed as control and when they do it is viewed as control.<p>Strongly suggests it is all in their mind, not in your actions, doesn't it??<p>Hang in there.<p>JL

I think the best response is NO RESPONSE at all. You are in Plan B and by responding you are inviting her into an argument/discussion. That is what she is looking for, an argument to say, "SEE THIS IS WHY I DID/DO WHAT I DO". Don't bait into it. Don't respond, BUT keep the email and any others just in case, for legal purposes.

Don't you love how the WS's always use the word 'control' to accuse the BS's and thus justify their actions? They always like to have their cake and eat it too, isn't this the ultimate manipulation?<p>You did the right thing. She has lost ,IMNSHV and for the moment, the moral right to have the support of your family.<p>But if your family is unaware of the situation, I would sugest you consider informing them of it. In this way you can give the choice of whether or not they want any contact with your WW.<p>Joe<p>[ March 28, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

Hi Dave,<p>Her email is riddled with guilt, blame and manipulation. She certainly doesn't like Plan B. Now she's way out of her comfort zone .... she's wondering who's going to meet all those needs you were meeting. <p>The WS just doesn't get that Plan B is a natural consequence. Don't let the emails like this get to you Dave. Stay steady on your course. <p>Jo

I did Plan A until she left for the 3 time.<p>I did a Plan B letter a couple weeks ago.<p>The threats she refers to are things like I told her that we cannot be friends and that I cannot do family things together.. she expects me to attend
church, birthday parties, etc as a family.<p>Not sure why she is afraid of me, I think this is just part of her justification, I have never given her a reason to be afraid of me. In fact, she slapped me in the face once when we were discussing her A and I just walked away.<p>I had already replied with " I am sorry that you feel this way" that is what Jenniffer had suggested.<p>JL, yes, she does not understand, she is the victim, I caused her to have the A and everything else. Ever action that I take is viewed by her as controlling, I can't do anything that is not controlling, I used to call to say good night to the kids when she had them and that was viewed as checking up on her and controlling.<p>My family is aware of the situation, that want to see the kids, there fear is that she will try to prevent them from seeing the children, They really do not want to see her because of all of the pain she has caused us.<p>Thanks
Dave

Dave,
I know you and the siuation as well as one can by reading posts. <p>I think she is just baiting you trying to get you to contact her again. I can't believe she blames you for it all still.<p>Hang in there my friend. How are YOU doing?<p>-Al

Al, I am doing okay, I have come to terms that my marriage my be over and I will be all right with it. Plan B is actually making things easier on me, the no contact is alot easier to deal with for me.
I read your other post in Recovery, sounds like things are okay for you.
Dave

Now that you've answered those questions...Resilient hit the nail on the head with her response. Hang in there Davepr, you sound real good considering the circumstances. Your W is responding with typical WS fog behavior - its textbook, if it makes you feel any better. Sorry your here.

thanks everyone... she has a way of making me feel guilty and placing all the blame on me,I certainly know what I did wrong in the marriage, ie not meeting her ENs but I did not make her have the affair, she had a choice and she continues to have choices. I am stonger now and will no longer fall into her traps. Thanks Dave

I don't get why the WS or in my case my x-h thinks they still get to have all the perks. Sad dad has a package theory post here about that kind of stuff.<p>My x acts all hurt and sad when he cannot attend my family parties. It is like he thinks I am being unreasonably mean. We had a birthday party for Amanda early this month when she turned 4. It was at my mother's house over 2 hours from here and the people that came were my aunts and uncles and cousins. They all know what he had done, and seen how it has hurt the children and I. He doesn't drive, so I would have had to spend all that time in the car with him, and then would have had to come home that night instead of staying at mom's if I brought him.<p>When you decide that you don't want to be my husband you have to act like it. You can't just decide what parts of being my husband you don't like and not do them anymore. <p>There is no reason for her to be included in your family visit Dave. She has made a decision that she wants to be involved with the OM. Why should she spend time with your family. She should spend time with his. <p>I know that there are families that end up being able to have a nice relationship with the x, and that is really great for the kids. But in your situation the hurt is so fresh, and the boundries not set up yet, so she doesn't need to be involved with this visit.<p>Now, in April our Chris will be making his first Communion. This is his event, and therefore the party will include Dad, Mom and both extended families. <p>If this visit were to celebrate a landmark for the children then it would be appropriate to include her.<p>She is in a fog, and needs to get out of it. She cannot have her cake and eat it too. It hurts you too much and makes me sad.<p>Elizabeth<p>OH - and the email, ignore.

Dave, You are doing great with your plan B. Good luck and be strong for your kids.<p>Have you read the thread by Trueheart called "Good Morning" ? He was a WS and wrote a letter to all other WS's everywhere. I think if you read it, it will help you understand what is going on with her. I read it and I'm much more at ease with putting up with what my WW says about our marriage. Your wife will come out of the fog eventually, and hopefully for her kids sake, she hasn't lost their father by then.<p>Keep up your efforts [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]