First... You have to write down how you usually act and react to your spouse.<p>Where are the biggest sticking points? Think about the one fight YOU ALWAYS HAD.<p>Now you decide on some actions that are 180 degrees away from how you usually act.<p>If you are usually available, be unavailable. If you have continued to do 'wifey' things when he visits. Don't. He no longer wants you to... so stop. NO MORE SITUATION NORMAL.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope this helps. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes. <hr></blockquote><p>Cali<p>[ March 29, 2002: Message edited by: Cali ]</p>

Let's see,<p>I did have supper cooked tonight, not for him but becuase I had to feed the kids. I have started drinking coffe again at home and made him a cup, guess I shouldn't of.<p>I did go to church by myself tongiht, didn't push kids or him to go.<p>I try really hard to pretty much just ignore him as much as I can when he is around. And will stay out of his and kids way this weekend. I am sure he had a hard time leaving tonight to go to his hotel. 17 yo D asked if he wanted to stay.<p>I guess where I have wanted to try the 180 is as he is revisioning things, that he never loved me, never missed me when he was on the road, how can I play those things into this weekend without coming off real b8tc4e?<p>He never sent me a dollar amount so that we could continue negotations so have that hanging over us this weekend, too.<p>I guess I just want to have some kind of plan in my head for any of the possible discussions that we might have to have this weekend.<p>17 yo D is trying to join the AF, so will have to talk about that and then she also asked if she could get married before she joins the AF, she just picks the best time to bring thsese things up!!!UGH!!!<p>So any 180 thought?<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I guess where I have wanted to try the 180 is as he is revisioning things, that he never loved me, never missed me when he was on the road, how can I play those things into this weekend without coming off real b8tc4e? <hr></blockquote><p>The short answer is "you can't." I know it hurts... but you gotta leave this alone... <p>I think you should be just totally UNAVAILABLE for him. You should have plans w/ a mysterious 'friend.' You should have fresh flowers delivered from 'someone who cares.' You should be living your life and not giving one flying fig about what he thinks or what he wants. <p>just my opinion.
Cali

Wow, that divorcebusting list sure has been on this board a lot lately.. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>In all reality though... how would those 'rules' apply to those of us in recovery? If my H were to do those things to me right now, I would consider him to be withdrawing from our M, and no longer interested in it.<p>As you know from my current thread, I'm fighting the urge to not blow up at him whenever he comes home. What I failed to mention is that I've already tried to act nonchalantly to him when he's done it in the past. Neither method has evoked any type of change in him. <p>Granted, I only tried the 'no reaction' a few times. I have 'always' been one to blow up throughout our relationship. Okay... my brain in working now. That consistency part of plan A. Long term changes. Not short ones.<p>(now I'm nodding my head in shame for not seeing the obvious again. It's pretty typical for all of us though - not seeing the reality when we're IN a situation as easily as we can see it when we're OUT of a situation).<p>Karen

Cali that is usually how I try to think and behave, just kind of got to me tonight as D and WH where watching a movie and I could hear them laughing in the liviingroom. I love the way he looks when he laughs. Crap now I'm crying!<p>Yes I do have plans to go out with "friends" after church tomorrow night. Will probably be bowling, I could make a friend there, couldn't I? A bouquet would look nice on the table for Easter. I am going out with my parents after church somewhere.<p>This is just so hard sometimes. He is here to spend time with kids, well my son is here and I would like to spend time with him, so makes it kind of hard as girls want to spend time with dad and brother, so once again I get left out, but that has been going on for years I just didn't see it as that til recently.<p>Dawn

Hugs, Dawn... big [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[dawn]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]hugs.<p>I know it's hard. Just do your best. That's all you can do.<p>I must go to bed now. Morning becomes electric very early around here. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Cali

Cali,<p>I too must get to bed, as I have a dress to sew tomorrow for youngest daughter for Easter.<p>Thank you for trying to help tonight, sometimes I know what people are saying and know that they are right, just need to do the pity thing anyways.<p>Thanks though!!
Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

topie,<p>Kind of hurts when something right there in front of us that we know and it smacks us like that.<p>You are right, it's hard when you are IN a situation to think clearly though.<p>That is why I am trying to set up some plans so that I will know how I want to react and not react implusively, that usually get me into trouble as I am typically a blower, haven't done that in over 6 months. Not even when 17 yo D asked if she could get married. <p>Dawn