lim,<p>Nice to see you got some good old pamperin'. You deserve it.<p>I saw your reply to my other post. I talked to my W last Saturday about what my lawyer said last week and about selling the house. Look up my post titled "snl" last replied to on March 24th. I don't know how to add links to other posts, but it was a pretty good one. Please look it up!<p>It was a ridiculous discussion. Obviously I don't plan on trying to keep the house if I want to talk about selling it. Even if I did want the house, she must have some recourse - sign it over to me, ask me to buy her out or take legal action to get me to sell it.<p>I haven't talked to my W any more about the house. I was waiting to talk to Steve Harley yesterday, I just wanted some advice on how to address it (re: how to let her know that selling the house doesn't mean I've given up, just taking the next step). He was helpful. I plan to bring it up this weekend. I'm probably going to say something like:<p>"I know I've told you this several times before, but I don't want this D. I've always been hopeful we would reconcile, and I still am, but continuing to live this way isn't healthy for any of us, that's why I brought up selling the house last weekend. I was confused by your reaction. I thought you'd jump at the chance to talk about it and I'm surprised you haven't mentioned it since. Isn't this what you've wanted?"<p>Any thoughts?<p>Things have been less tense between us this week. I don't know if that's because she sees a light at the end of the tunnel (my desire to sell the house) or maybe the fog's lifting a bit (because of my desire to sell the house). I don't know. If I don't hear from you, have a great Easter!!!!<p>sad dad<p>[ March 29, 2002: Message edited by: sad dad ]<p>[ March 29, 2002: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

just bumping

HI SD- how did your Easter wkend go? Did you mention selling the house again? I am trying to add a profile of info at the bottom of my posts- I hope I can get it to work! We are building a wood swingset this wkend for my son's 5th birthday which is coming up. My H is only going to spent about $750 for all the stuff to make it and normally they sell for 3-5K around here. So that ought to save us lots of money. He's making it into a clubhouse fort style with a slide, climbing ladder and swing. I hope it turns out OK! Take care- lifeismessy

hi lim,<p>My weekend's been OK. W and I stayed up late and watched a movie together last night. Today will be rough. W and daughter are spending Easter with her family. I'll be home alone.<p>I haven't talked to her anymore about the house, but I plan to. I don't know why I'm putting it off, scared I guess. Scared she'll be all gung ho about it, although she hasn't mentioned it at all since I brought it up last weekend. I really thought when she filed we'd get out of limbo land, but we're still here. But I know I can't wait for her to make something change, so I'll talk to her about the house tonight and just deal with the fallout. Have a good Easter!<p>sad dad

sd, I guess you were not invited to go with the family today? God bless you, I am sorry for your pain. Honey

honey,<p>You're right, I wasn't invited, not hat I expected to be. It hurts because I really love my in-laws. They're the best. Thanks!<p>sad dad

lim,<p>Hope your Easter went well.<p>My W finally brought up selling the house, she beat me to the punch. I told her I would contact real estate appraisers this week and set up some appointments. We are selling the house ourselves.<p>That part of the conversation went well, but then we got into the whole custody issue again. I know you've warned me about that. Of course she thinks I'm wrong for wanting custody and thinks I'm doing it to get back at her. I assured her that the reasons I want custody is because I love my daughter, I'm a terrific father and I think I can make her happy. In her opinion, it's wrong for children not to be with their mother, period. I brought up 2 couples we know where the husband is the stay-at-home-parent. She said even if they got divorced, the mothers should get custody. Guess that just shows how one-sided she's looking at this. <p>We also talked about control and how I had it in our marriage (not always, but the pendulum did swing in my favor over time), and she said I'm still trying to control things. I told her I've had no control the past 16 months, I never pressured her to do anything and I've left all the decisions up to her. Funny thing about control, it sucks when you don't have it, but it's no better when you do. I asked her why she didn't file for D a year ago. She said she was affraid she was going to ruin our daughter's life, and she still is. OM was never mentioned. I do remember telling her that in a couple of months she won't have me around to blame for her unhappiness anymore. I know I should have avoided this conversation. This is exactly why we need to sell the house and be away from each other.<p>sad dad

bump

Hey SD- Are your plans at this point to list the house for sale and then both of you continue to live in it until the sale is complete? How fast do you think your house will sell? Do you think you can stand waiting longer from an emotional point of view? Dont be so hard on yourself about bringing up the custody issue- its naturally going to get heated whenever you mention that at all but on the flip side- it is a wake-up call to the huge cloud of denial your W is hiding in. As long as it it doesnt lead to an all-out long brawl its OK to mention it.In fact mentioning things once in a while might HELP at this point I would think. Hang in there! lifeismessy

lim,<p>To answer your questions:<p>"Are your plans at this point to list the house for sale and then both of you continue to live in it until the sale is complete?"<p>Most likely, or at least until it's under contract. <p>"How fast do you think your house will sell?"<p>Two weeks, tops.<p>"Do you think you can stand waiting longer from an emotional point of view?"<p>I've waited this long, a while longer is no problem.<p>sad dad

lim,<p>You asked on another thread how my Mom was doing.
First, I want to thank you for asking. She's not doing well at all. She was in the assisted living home for a week when I got a call from the director. Seems in addition to Alzheimers, my mom suffers from severe paranoia and delusions that "they" are trying to get her. She tried breaking down a door, cutting a hole in the window screen, etc in attempts to get out. The final straw was when she tried to strangle two of the attendants. The director suggested she be hospitalized for a geriatric psych evaluation, and that hopefully with the right regimen of anti-psychotic meds, the Dr's can get this under control. <p>She's been in a mental health facility for the past 2-1/2 weeks. Unfortunatley, things haven't gotten any better. When she is medicated to the point where she isn't paranoid or delusional, she can't function. When they back off on the meds a little, the paranoia returns. I went to see her last week and they had her in restraints because of violent behavior. The two times I've gone to see her since, she was extremely paranoid and agitated and was begging me to get her out of there. I told her that's up to her Dr, but she just doesn't understand. She's so scared and affraid she's going to die there, but there's nothing I can do to help. Hopefully in time the Dr's will come up with a right combo of meds to get this under control, but it could take weeks or months. As of right now, in her current state, the assisted living home will not take her back.
That could change though. I would never have imagined that she was this ill, I'm just grateful she hasn't hurt herself or anyone else. Thanks again.<p>sad dad

OH my gosh SD- I didnt realize you are struggling with so much with your mom's situation too!!! Does your mom have a history of mental illness when she was younger? How old is she? I really am dreading going through all this with my own parents. I know dealing with the illnesses and deaths of my inlaws the past 8 yrs really took a toll on my marriage. The stress goes somewhere and I do believe my H turned alot of his anger and frustration about it all on me because I didn't get along very with his parents. Then after his mom died right before we moved to OH 2 yrs ago he had no time to grieve properly due to our moving and buying a new house right away. He also had to sell their family farm stuff and their house because neither his brother or him want to farm for a living like his parents did.H had an older brother who planned to run the farm eventually but he died suddenly in a car crash at age 16 when my H was 12. We invested H's inheritance in Janus funds for our kids college just 2 WEEKS before the tech market totally crashed( who knew? but I do think he blames me for it( he says he doesn't but I think he does!) and now that money is still worth just one fourth of what we put in to start with. Talk about frustrating!!!! Anyway- I just wanted to you to remember you have people on here who care about you. lifeismessy

lim,<p>Thanks for your concern. My mother is 69. She has no history of mental illness and is the most non-violent person you can imagine. Alzhiemer's is a terrible disease that ravages the brain. <p>She had a cat scan done on Monday to determine if there is any physiological cause, but the resutls are not in. I hope you never have to experience this first hand.<p>sad dad

lim,<p>How's it going? Nothing new here really.<p>My W brought up custody again last night. She suggested that if I had our daughter 2 nights a week and every other weekend, that comes out to 7 out of 14 days. I'm not sure if the 2 nights a week are over night or not, but she tried to spin this as if it would give us equal time with our daughter. It wouldn't and she would still have primary custody. Strangely enough, just a few days ago she said she didn't want to shuffle our daughter back and forth. Doesn't this suggestion do just that? I just told her I would think about it and left it at that. I really don't want to talk to her about this until mediation. We both know where each other stands and further discussion are pointless at this time.<p>She is so focused on custody, yet doing nothing regarding the D, the house or financial issues. Right now I just want to sell the house, take a step back from all of this and just breathe. Hopefully it will give us a chance to gain some perspective and reassess the situation. <p>sad dad

bump

hi SD- I think joint custody ALWAYS leads to shuffling a child around. My 10 yr old daughter has a friend who spends half the wk with her dad and his live-in gal and the other half of the wk with her mom and step-dad. My daughter never knew where to call her to set up a play-date and the divorced parents competed with each other by spoiling her completely with too much stuff- and seeing all that was very confusing to MY d!So that's why I dont favor split wks like that.Where we live now there are several divorced moms in our neighborhood who have custody and their ex-hubbies see the kids every other wkend and one night a wk- that seems pretty 'standard' in Ohio. I think my H would go crazy if he couldnt see our kids more than that though~!!!! Even when he refused to end his A and moved out last year- he came by 4 nights a wk to see the kids. H and I are off to a Family Life Christian marriage seminar this wkend. Tomorrow night we will stay in the hotel there and have a friend from church watch our 3 kids for us. I hope it goes well- H and I were in therapy last night and I told him I am still emotionally unsatisfied in our marriage and that I need more affection, conversation and reassurance from him. I better get it QUICK though because starting next wk he has to travel every wk of April for his job and will just be home on the wkends. Hope your wkend goes OK! lifeismessy

lim,<p>I think shared custody (50/50) for the interim is fine, especially since our daughter isn't in school yet, but I'm not sure it's a long term solution. I geuss we'll learn more in mediation. I think I've figured out why my is so focused on custody but taking no steps re: the D.<p>I think she's hoping she can get me to agree to some custody arrangement that is fair (needless to say, anything short of her having primary isn't fair to her) before proceeding with the D so that anything that comes out of the D proceedings won't affect custody since it will already be agreed to. Her A should have no bearing on custody, but in the back of her mind it's got to worry her. Doesn't matter much, since at this point it's way to early to make any concessions regarding custody. The arrangement she suggested the other day is no better than I could expect if I lose. Just my opinion. Have a great weekend!!!<p>sad dad<p>P.S. I spoke to one of my BIL's today. He said my W was livid a couple of weeks ago when I made plans to go to the museum with my other BIL and my niece. She obviously doesn't want any of them talking to me. Wonder why? Does she really think I would say anything in front of the kids? My BIL's and I are friends and will be regardless. My BIL's want to go out for a few drinks soon. If it pisses my W off, so be it. She's divorcing me, I'm not divorcing them. Steve Harley advised me not to cut my ties with them unless I want to. It'll probably drive her crazy wondering what we talk about, but I really want to see them.<p>[ April 05, 2002: Message edited by: sad dad ]<p>[ April 05, 2002: Message edited by: sad dad ]<p>[ April 06, 2002: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

bump

HI SD- I think its fine to go out with your BILs- however I would caution you not to go into TOO much of your problems with W with them as it could get back to W. But its obvious that she doesnt want you talking to them because she thinks of them as 'her relatives.' In her fog- she has failed to remember that when you and her married you became ONE in all respects. I think my H never got this concept either - he is FINALLY starting to see that this is how marriage is designed to be. We just got back from the Family Life Weekend to Remember seminar and it really gave us great information to use in our future. It talked alot about making each other your top priority and why not doing this leads to confusion of roles and isolation from each other.I have literally spent YEARS telling H how important it is that he make me his top priority in his life in front of his family, job, the kids, etc. and I dont think he ever 'got it' till this wkend. Hopefully this will be the start of better things between us. Hang in there- I know you've really been having a difficult time lately in between W and your mother's problems. Take care- lifeismessy PS have your appraisers come to see the house yet?

lim, <p>Glad your weekend was productive and your H is finally "getting it". <p>My mom's neighbor is a real estate agent and offered to do a comparative market analysis of our home. It saves me the expense of appraisers.
She has the numbers for me, but is going to put together an "official" CMA on her letterhead, as well as as get me blank contracts, disclosure forms, etc. W hasn't mentioned the house since last week, but I see no reason we can't have it on the market in a week or two. Just needs some spit and polish. Of course, this is all moot if she won't agree on interim 50/50 shared custody.<p>sad dad