I have so much anger for the ow, and continue to want to give her a piece of my mind, since she is such a s++t, and my marriage would not be in the current situation had it not been for her antics... i do realize my h has a big part in this, but she does too, and it does not seem fair... she is back with her h, she did not suffer financially, she does not have children, etc. etc. I am so angry at this twat that I do not know what to do. Anyhow she seems to think, if I call her, she will call police... she cannot even face up to me, that she has made a horrible mistake in coming into my marriage.<p>I guess they never do! Anyone else feel this way, what did you do to release and get over this anger. I have visions of the subarban driving right over her and running her flat... I guess my anger would do no good conveyed to her anyway...<p>Can someone file for harassment if you send them a letter? I am considering a letter telling her exactly what has been left in the shambles due to her actions....<p>HELP! I keep wanting to call and give her a piece of my mind... I hate her being scott free! <p>ALso, I am embarrased, and I do know that this anger is eating at me... I think part of it, is that I am having rough time with h right now... and my marriage was never in this sort of shambles before the damn ow.... waltzed in... ok? I am just so mad at her... for giving us an increased hurdle that may destroy our family forever.<p>Honey [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

She's an easy target. It is easier to put your anger toward her rather than at yourself and your H...<p>but does it really matter? She was and she is. You can't stop that... but you can stop letting it control you or make you feel a certain way.<p>Any hoo. I would say you are right on target timeline wise. My anger peaked at about 7-9 months... it has dissipated the closer I get to 1 year and the further into recovery I get.<p>By working on YOU, she will matter less.<p>Cali

thanks cali, it is so difficult, I am sooo angry again! and more I guess! I was never this angry in the beginning, now I am sick of it and tired of it. Atr least ow is gone, but why does she not have to suffer.... my life is left in a big mess! But I do not even want to make her suffer, though I hope and pray her consequences will come... which I do think they will.... <p>but I want her to know how much hurt she has HELPED to cause!<p>HONEY

Hi Honey<p>I know this is the ABSOLUTELY MOST DIFFICULT THING ON EARTH TO DO... but LEAVE HER ALONE, and act, act, act like it does not bother you by never, never speaking to her now or again...<p>That'll get her the most to think she didn't get your H, and nobody really, truly cares about her anyway... Make sense? I'm trying to take my own advice... LOL! Good luck.<p>[ March 29, 2002: Message edited by: jamie 210 ]</p>

Trust me, OW DO NOT GET IT. You can't convince them either. There is NOTHING you say that will make her feel sorry or anything else. She may even rather enjoy that she has so much power over you and your feelings. The best revenge is a better life. <p>Pray, Pray, Pray.

Thanks I know you are right, she is a bad person... she does not know what she has done.. I do ahve to quit giving her the power. thanks, H<p>Interesting twist... my best friend has been in an affair for yrs... with a mm... and as her friend since hs, and also with the fact that her grandfather had an a on her lovely grandmothjer/// and that my sweet friend's mom had also been an ow... I thought is was just a thing she was having to do... and that she really loved this man... I NEVER approved in reality, and I always told her, she would know when to end it... and it would be her choice... I was her friends always, and I listened and listened and listened...a t times she even had me thinking the wife was a bit++, but not a whole lot... most of the time... I did feel for the wife... in fact all of the time... but finally she saw this man and the A for what it was... and eneded it... he wanted the cake and to eat it too, she finally learned... he had been telling her for yrs... that he would leave his wife... he never did.<p>OK... she broke it off, shortly after she saw the reality of what an A did to her friend me... I take no credit, but I do know that she started to see how wrong it was, and how much it was hurting the wife, her and him... too, and his son... that was born during the a...<p>Anyway... this has been healing- she even told me, that she wished people in general were less accepting of a's and that people would shun and punish ow's and mm like they used to..... believe it or not? I was never mean, in fact I was her best listening friend throughout it, as she was too ashamed to tell many people of the truth... but I was the best friend I could be to her throughout it... she is my best friend... and I am just so glad she ended it... I thought it would of ended it..... ....a long time agao... I just did the best I could to keep her as my friend and be her friend even when I did not approve of the A she was in.... <p>H

Honey, From experience, let your anger with OW go out the window, out the door...wherever but don't let it control YOU. If you do, she will have won.<p>Rise above it. You are better.

I know how hard it is. This is all still relatively new to you so what you are feeling is normal. My H's OW was my former best friend, talk about trying to deal with THOSE feelings! Our friendship was never resolved and as someone else said "the OW just doesn't get it." That is very true and often times, I think there's a large dose of selfishness involved.<p>Journaling can really help. Also walking everyday helped me and eventually it helped me to sleep better at night too. <p>I hope you are in counseling. Perhaps medication might help too, it sure helped me. I'd be on it now but I'm pregnant.<p>Good luck

Hi Honey,<p>What I learned from being here on MB is that the OW is a symptom. That if it wouldn't have been her, it would have been another OW (albeit, not one that already had his son - OC).<p>I hated hearing that, I wanted so bad to blame her. Felt like she stole my life from under me, still does some times. I still have anger pangs regarding her, but most of it is due to her aggresiveness in attacking me verbally, a complete stranger to her. Finally got legal on her and filed an anti-harassment order. <p>But what I've ended up realizing is the problems in the marriage, which I owned half, were the cause, not this Abusive Banshee OW. <p>I became lazy and I wasn't protecting my half of the marriage. So, my x-H sought his needs elsewhere. With OW - ughhhh!<p>This doesn't mean I think the OW was a wonderful person or anything. Anyone who knowingly goes after a married person has issues. They are preditors in my book. <p>Don't give her another minute of your time, Honey. Don't give her power over you. She has nothing new to offer your husband. She is typical, ordinary at best. She is willing to settle for sloppy seconds and in the process hurt an entire family doing it. One day she'll reap what she has sown, guaranteed.<p>Best,
Jo<p>[ March 29, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Ever heard the phrase "PAST FEELING"?<p>That phrase describes murderers, child molesters, rapists, and other women!<p>They have no conscience. They rationalize. They want you guilty. And they want your pain. <p>DO NOT give her the satisfaction of your acknowledgement of her existence. Should you write her a letter, she will keep that letter as a momento of her twisted sense of "rightness". <p>Evil is evil. Shun it as a plague!

Hi Honey, In the 4+ years my WH has had OW I have only contacted her once. That was a brief instant messaging that was not hostle and just asked her to let my WH come back to his family (didn't work anyway [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] ). I have never contacted anymore. I have never seen her or her house that she lives in. I do not care to ever communicate with this beast in my lifetime. I think I am far better off in the long run for not going down that road. Others are right in saying it won't get you anywhere at all. OW won't listen or absorb any logic you say to her. Plus it just makes the lovers triangle more explosive.

It's got to be one of the most difficult things to do en route towards (hopeful?) recovery of your M. Getting rid of that anger towards the OP.<p>It's been over one year since d-day, and I'm still not over the anger towards OW#1. Granted, she was a friend of mine (so-called friend that is). I will admit though, that over TIME (that blasted word again! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] hehehe), it isn't hurting as much.<p>I don't give her the power anymore. I used to. WAY TOO MUCH!!! And you know what? I haven't a clue when that actually stopped. All I know is that I had to make a very conscious effort to stop thinking about her. OMG!!! THAT is so hard to do!!! Yes, there are still times when I would spit venom if I could b/c of triggerring about her. But they are becoming incidences that are fewer and farther between each other.<p>Just keep on doing as you are, and come on here and vent about her all you want. I've done that MANY times. It really helped. I've also shared some of the things I've done to get back at OW#1 too (which I do NOT regret either). But I will tell you... do NOT call her, write to her, spy on her... whatever her. It's NOT WORTH YOUR TIME!!! Whatever you would do, it still won't feel like enough. TRUST ME. I know about that feeling all too well. <p>As was suggested, she would probably love the fact that she has that power over you... but whatever you told her or wrote her wouldn't sink in anyways. She wouldn't get it. However... WE WILL!! So maybe writing a letter to her on this board might be your best healing strategy right now? Just a thought. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

As a guy, let me say that the specific OW really is irrelevant. She's just the one who was in the wrong place at the wrong time... I developed an infatuation for a coworker but it could have been anyone. My "lovebank" was in the red and I was going to fall for the first person who smiled and batted their eyes. Period. Eventually someone was going to fill that bill. On the bright side, it seems from reading this board that the women who make themselves available for A's are often "s**t's", as you put it, so a real relationship fades quickly... That's not to say that wayward spouses aren't guilty! Just that the OW is not the cause.

Hi Honey,<p>Anger is something that I have been filled with lately, anger at other people for talking aobut me, my H, anger at my BIL and SIL who had suspicions about possibility of A but shose not to take action on that (boy, am I mad about that!) anger towards those who I thought were friends but turned out to just be gossipers and the most towards the OW. It really turns out that all that anger that was directed towards all these other people really needed to be directed to the person who was really responsible for all this and you know who that is. My H of course. <p>Its so much easier to point the finger at these other people rather than towards that person that we love (and hate sometimes, too). It feels better to do it this way than have to look at and admit what it truly is that we are married to. Someone who is our best friend (so we thought), who was supposed to look out for us (cuse htats what being married is all about) who wasn't supposed to hurt us in this terrible, terrible way. Thats hard to really look at and admit to ourselves. I know cuz I have done this for months. Its really only w/in the last few days that I have been able to unload some of his baggage that I have been carrying around and be ablle finally to direct that anger to the person responsible, truly responsible. <p>I am not so filled with anger today, I think coming to that realization has helped me move a little past it (at least for today. Tomorrow, who knows?) Resilient was right in her post that the OW doesn't really matter, she's just a fantasy anyway. She's fake. What matters is being able to give the responsibility for your pain to the right person and then still being able to love him. I have read this over and over in these pages, that the real relationship starts when thru honesty, openess and the willingness to accept our past happens. Then can we be at peace with each other.<p>Don't give your power to her.

I could write a book on this one and all my H's affairs.<p>I have done a number of things with different OWS.
His last one before this one--I called up--left a message on her answering machine--a nice message asking what type of women would invade a marriage where the wife truely loves her husband and their 4 kids. She called me up crying and apologizing--for the damage she and my H had caused. I kind of respect her for that....that is the only one who didn't feel justified by my H's lies.<p>The one he is with now...I have called shocked and hurt on discovery. She sounds like a real southern sl**. He even admited there were names society called women like her. To each his own.<p>However, I have come to the realization that he drew her in just like he did me. Granted, I was 22, and she is 28--but he is totally romantic and loving for the first year. Then the narcistic, nasty behavior starts. She doesn't know what she is in for.<p>She probably hasn't seen his self absorbed behavior yet...but she will. He has a good side---but the longer I am away from him---it is not worth the pain.<p>I tried to warn her when I surprised them and myself last summer. She looked totally shocked when I said "Do you know what kind of man you are with? Do you know how many times he has betrayed me and his family..Do you know what he is like" At first she was shocked and then her face(which all I can remember of her is her humongous nose)her face turned ugly and she said "That's not what I have heard." Well, that about says it all. <p> He has lied to her(actually, in his mind he has turned it around so that I honestly think he thinks he is telling the truth)....and the worst thing for her is that she believes him. Hopefully, she figures it out before 25 years fly by. I don't envy her.

Hi Honey:<p>I'm afraid I agree with Jo...to be vindictive, jealous or hateful to the OW is like "killing the messenger" for she is just a symtom...not the cause of your marriage difficulties. Not that she hasn't made them worse.<p>There have been two OW in my WS's life...the original OW and a second OW who kinda took my husband in when he needed help. The first OW is I believe beneath my contempt or not worthy of my consideration...and I will not stoop to wallow in the mud with her. The second, however, is a person who I consider worth admiration, for I believe she trully loves him but has done what she feels is best for him (urging him to go home)....and I find that I truly like her and have no difficulty with her. <p>You are a person of worth and beauty...and far above the OW in all the qualities that matter...so let her be...and it will past...all the hate that you feel now will ease...not disappear...but find it's proper perspective.<p>Faye

For a long time I was very upset at the OM in my wife's life. I confronted him before she learned that I knew their secret and I could have extiguished his life. As time went by I started to realize that the very woman that I love the most, was the OW in his wife's eyes, that "slut" was my wife. My wife is a woman of integrity and I truly (or is it wishful thinking) believe he led her down the wrong path because he was her teacher and he was having problems in his marriage. I'll never really know the truth of it all, but I do know one thing, I love and respect her more now than I ever did before. There are times when the darkness overtakes me though (now is one of those times). Those are the toughest times. I thank God I have the strength to hold back and think rationally. It's been 1 yr this last December and the pain is going away, slowly, but it is going. Hopeful someday I'll be able to look back on this without getting choked up.

Everyone, thank you and thank you again... I am feeling way better this morning... I took my anti d's... yesterday... effexor...I had missed for 2 days... My H started putting me down for taking them... saying I am unstable and that he will try to take kids since I am on them? So in my fear and anger...a t the put downs I skipped for 2 days... thinking,mayber I am over this pain: NO! It got worse.... they help! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Wish I was over the pain, and did not need help to stabliize over it...<p>I appreciate all your kind and supportive words.... I got really mad... because actually... while with my h one day... we mad up a joke aobut her... and he kept kidding me to call her and say it.... well h and I were acting very immature and giddy... etc... even drinking ab it... and I did it.... of course... she calls him to complain about me... and says she is thinking of calling police... i called from payphone... anyhow.... but still... should not of... it was a joke type call.... part of it was just funny...<p>but anyway, it was childish and mean and brought her back to calling h after 6 weeks of no calls... she sd I am stupid... and dared to tell h that I called her a WH++ on the message... actually the joke referred to a garden hoe.... but still..... <p>I think H was bringing it up... since he is angry she "duped" him... and I am angry for other reasons.... period... <p>I know I need to release this thing from my thoughts... I have recently found out her home address... and even pd for a ussearch on the woman... and found out where she has lived in the past... her suppossed husband's name... hard to find out since he is an illegal alien.. possilby who knows? it is confusing as her life... is quite strange anyway... not like my subarban life with 2 kids... she is a party girl sl++ drunk... she even told my H she is a liar... ! What a woman! she told him that he was a conquest... her words exactly.... I am so sick...<p>YOu good people are right, she does not deserve the power... she is a real ho... and I am tired of it... why bother with her..? is right? I pray she will get hers.... I hate anger, but it just won't go away..<p>Any tips on consciously making the anger go away ! I know I will get there!<p>Thanks so much to everyone , I appreciate your help, this is a big hump... at least for now she is back with her H and out of my life..... I think she decided it too difficult to destroy my family, or not worth the time... who knows? Never an apology, never. [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Honey:
<strong>Any tips on consciously making the anger go away ! </strong><hr></blockquote><p>The most simple and best advice I was given was to make a conscious effort to think of something else. Preferably something else that makes you happy. It's REALLY HARD to do (at first), but it does help. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My other advice is to move some furniture. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Couches are great!!! Maybe you have a big rug you can take outside and beat the sh... dust out of??? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Hi, thanks for the advice topie.. happier day today, thank good ness... did some fun stuff for me and the kids... just got back from yogurt run to tcby with my 2 boys... and still thinking a bit about the b.... but also starting to have more anger at my H, where it belongs... but that b knew what she was doing! I do have some rugs... and a lot of cleaning to do! Will take it out there. Thanks, also will build positive thoughts... I appreciat e your post... Lisa