Back in Jan. & Feb., my wife (of 13 years) was suffering from extreme depression, alcohol abuse and suicidal tendencies. I could not get her to get help. So I took her 7 hours away to be with her family. She is staying with her sister and is surrounded by another sister and a cousin close by. I have begged her to get counseling but she wouldn't. Finally, she is getting counseling but only once per week for 1 hour. We had agreed that she would stay with family for 3 weeks. During this time she refused to tell me about her counseling. All she said was that her counselor told her not to discuss anything with me. At the end of 3 weeks, she said she was not ready to come home. I asked why and she said she just wasn't. I asked if I could come get our 3-year old son (who I missed terribly) and she said yes. I drove 7 hours to get him and she refused to talk to me for more than 10 minutes. I asked when she wanted to see us again and she said "Let me think about it". I told her I needed 2 weeks so I could get a cheap plane flight (supersaver). She took that to mean we'd be back in 2 weeks. After 1 week, she called and asked if I was bringing our son back to her. I said I needed 2 weeks notice. She went beserk. I had been advised by counselors here that our son needed some stability and I had put him back in his school 3 days per week..and my parents kept him the rest of the time. Well, she fired off a nasty letter that looked like a lawyer had written it. Well, at the end of 2 weeks, without notice, my wife and her sister drove 7 hours and snatched my son out of his school and drove back 7 hours. I was stunned! I hired an attorney and got an emergency custody hearing. BUT, I could not go through with it because I would have had to go to court and told the world what a horrible person my wife was (a drunk and suicidal). I dropped the hearing. My wife won't talk to me. Her cousin and sister won't talk to me and won't let me talk to her. I have written her about 8 love letters and sent 2 dozen roses. She won't talk to me. She has limited me to e-mail contact and I've sent 3 love letters and she's sent 2 very short cryptic messages that are very "business-like". Now, she won't let me see him at Easter unless one of her sisters "supervises" me.
I am very heartbroken. The one phone conversation we had went well. She said "I want my family to know how wonderful you are" (meaning she knows I am wonderful). I told her I love her and she returned with Ilove you too.<p>I have not spoken to her since Monday (the day I dropped the lawsuit). I am just totally in the dark about her counseling and what her intentions are. I have cried about 5 times today. I don't know what to do.<p>Any advice on how to win her back...how to break through to her?<p>I can use prayers big time. I am looking for a supernatural miracle through the Holy Spirit. <p>Thanks.<p>Michael

Micheal,<p>I am going to say something I have never said in over 4000 posts to people here. YOU ARE A FOOL.<p>Your W is an alcoholic, suicidal, and probably something else and you let your SON be with her???<p>What is wrong with you man? This is far more important than your marriage, this is about your child. I cannot believe that you didn't fight to protect him.<p>You think it is better for him to grow up with an alcoholic?? You know being nice to your W enables her. You know she has hugh problems.<p>Dr. Harley states that he won't even try to address a marriage until other addictions are taken care of. One of them is alcohol. You don't need to either. What you need to do is protect your child.<p>Get with the program and do your job as parent and a father.<p>God Bless You and Your Family,<p>JL<p>PS: I am sorry to be so harsh, but as a father I cannot imagine allowing my child to be so endangered voluntarily.

MICHAEL!<p>Have you heard of a woman named "Andrea Yates"? She lives in the Houston area and last year she drowned her 5, yes, 5 children in the bathtub. She told the prosecutor, why, yes some of them did struggle to get air but she pushed them back down into the water. I guess the 5 month old didn't put up too much of a fight. The point is, mental illness can strike anyone and make anyone act out of their normal behavior.<p>YOU GO BACK TO THAT ATTORNEY AND GET AN EMERGENCY CUSTODY ORDER---FORGET ABOUT YOUR WIFE'S FEELINGS---YOUR SON'S SAFETY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING NOW.<p>I, too, have been depressed and suicidal and as much as I love my daughter, I considered being violent with her in a rage. I'm not proud but it did scare me enough to seek help. I know you don't want to be the bad guy but how will you feel if she does hurt your son?

I mean it...see if you can get it over the weekend...your child is in danger.<p>Once your wife has had some treatment and gets back to her right self, she will understand that you had to protect that baby.<p>My prayers are with you.

I know that you are in pain but your letter made
me ill. How could you drop the lawsuit and let your son be with her? I am thinking of horrible
things to say to you but there is no point. You have allowed your little boy to be put in a horrible situation. You are co-dependent and are
willing to put your little boy at risk. What kind of a father are you? You are to protect your children and not put them in danger. You are a fool sir.

It sounds like your child is with your wives family... are there family members around most of the time... I do think your wife.. needs her child- why doesn't she just come back home? Why has her depression turned into a war between you and her... I thought she was going temporarily...? Maybe you can go to alanon if she really is an alcoholic... does she drink daily and how much of what? We are here to help... I am not buying in that your wife is andrea yates... but I do think you need to be careful... talk to her parents about your concerns for your child's safety if need be.... do her parents know how bad this situation really was? Why did she turn on you? Why did you need 2 week notice to give child bacK? I understand stability, but being with his mother is important too.... I am not going to err and say that your wife is a total danger to her own child... I understand how upset I would be if my H tried to keep my children from me like that.... ? But why is she staying there sooo long, and why the disagreements btween the 2 of you. DId she possibly have an affair?<p>H

My wife is staying with several family members and they are aware of all of her problems. They are watching her like a hawk. She has been getting counseling. My fear though is because after the 3 weeks we were supposed to discuss the counseling and she was supposed to come home and get counseling here. She said she was not ready to come home because the counseling was going so well. She consented to my bringing my son home. Problem is that a lawyer in the state she is in scared her by telling her that if she left him in my state for 3 weeks that I could keep him permanently (bad advice). That just was not true. I am an attorney so she does not trust me. I am not a litigator or a divorce/custody attorney so I had to hire an expert. What's confusing to me is that when I took her down there we were getting along great and she was singing my praises because I was so supportive. I did hear one of her relatives say....all the doctors in your home town had their chance to get her help. I think they are blaming me because my wife made me swear not to tell her family about her problems.....but they knew about the drinking problem already. My wife said we could communicate by e-mail but I've sent 8 love letters and she has sent 2 short "businesslike" responses. I have decided that if she does not send a sweet note to me by Easter Sunday that I will just assume the worst and get with my attorney on Monday. I am really praying for reconciliation. I truly believe God brought her into my life and I have made a difference in her life. She is very sweet but unfortunately had a screwed up childhood, screwed up parents, etc. (Her dad has been married 3 times...Mom has been married 4 times). Thanks for all the prayers. I need wisdom big time on how to deal with this.<p>Thanks again for your concern.<p>M

Michael,<p>Your post is very sad..You need to focus right now on only you and your child<p>It is reasonable for your wife to claim that the counselor that she started with is one she wants to stay with longer than three weeks...hind sight is twenty twenty...it was probably not very realistic for her to begin counseling in one state of such a short period and then come home to continue...there is really no continuing when you move state to state it is like starting over....it is NOT reasonable for to keep her son from you, not talk to you,
If the counselor has any merit it would make sense that he/she needs to be in some type of contact with you... Family members who keep a father from their own children are just plain creepy...<p>You need to get into counseling...hinging your life and your childs by some "false time line" (Easter Sunday) as a limit to hear a "sweet note" from her is setting yourself up for heart ache, pain and more confusion...your wife is in no state at this time to give to you what you want or need..<p>This does not mean there is no hope for the two of you...but expectations on her behavior at this point in time will hurt you...<p>Depressed suicidal alcoholics are not the best candidates to profess love...they feel pretty much empty inside...barely able to believe in themselves let alone others....<p>Get to Alanon today/tomorrow/now...
Get your lawyer to procede with you getting custody today/tomorrow/now...
Get it so your child is released to you and your family only...<p>Quit with the love letters she can't fathom that you love her right now in time....she can't love herself right now...believe it or not but your expression of love can be a very negative thing to her...and please know that we here know that is a difficult concept to understand.... <p>Protect yourself, your child...Plan A to become strong enough to accept what you cannot change...Plan A for you so that you no longer feel the need to send love letter after love letter only to be hurt again again...and so you stop focusing on getting feedback from someone who is unable to give that to you right now....
Plan A for you to become strong enough to help her realistically. I hate labels but you can be an enabler...or you can be the person with the strength to really work hard at this whole mess..<p>I mean you no pain in this post...only strong advice to buck up...
Read all you can here on this site...
Your wife needs help...and you need help in getting it for her and you....
Peace to you Michael and your home...
ARK

My two cents,<p>If your wife is somewhere trying to get better because of serious issues in her life than she is not capable of providing to your son the mother he needs. <p>Get the custody thing going man. Lose this "if she doesn't ... by ..., I will assume ...". Makes no sense for you to expect anything frm an alchoholic with suicidal tendancies. Just get your son away from a destructive person before it hurts him irrepairably.<p>I can see you love her and that it sux to be u right now, but think of your son and about being the best father he could want. Your happiness and healthy marriage is secondary to his safety.<p>BTW, IMHO your best defence against her leaving is to work on your own issues of enabling and co-dependancy. I've read up on these conditions and it looks alot like you are within the description. Plan A yourself and see that your home is healthy and she will come home eventually - but if not than at least you can say you did your best for your son.<p>GET YOUR BOY HOME!

Thanks for all the advice. It really helps me. Its really good advice. Thanks. Please keep praying for us.<p>M

Michael
Sorry I got so loud last night but it really does scare me when people are depressed/suicidal...we just don't think like 'normal' people think and are a danger to ourselves and others. I am just concerned for your son. I don't believe there are any 'rules' for mentally ill people ('the ones who threaten suicide don't do it' and the like). I always feel better safe than sorry.

Take it from someone who knows the hell of having their children abducted by the other parent and missing for two years until the FBI rescued them--Get the custody order forthwith. You and your son have absolutely no protection until you do.<p>You can request sole physical custody with supervised visitation only based upon her substance abuse and history of spiriting him away from school without your knowledge or consent and taking him from his state of residence. Most judges do not like it when a parent tries to circumvent their jurisdiction by taking the child across state lines.<p>Right now, you and your W have equal rights regarding custody of your son. You could go up there and get him right now, and she could not legally stop you, just as she was able to do behind your back. That is exactly what I'd do if you could do so without traumatizing him. But if they're going to try to stop you, then get the court order and take the police with you to enforce it.<p>Whatever state you are in is the state with jurisdiction over your son's custody issues because it is his state of residence. In most states you cannot file for custody unless the child has been a resident of that state for at least six months. She has no rights in the state she is in and cannot file for custody there, and if you get a court order in your state, her state will have to enforce it.<p>They are already behaving like family abductors. Be very careful. Do everything you can to SAFELY foster and encourage the relationship between your son and his mother, but I think supervised visitation is in order until she demonstrates her trustworthiness to do what is in the child's best interest. Taking him across state lines and disrupting his relationship with his father is NOT in his best interest.