Well, it has been 16 wks since I discovered my wife's affair. Seems so long ago. I have personally come such a long way, getting over the heartbreak, seeing my flaws, working on improving myself, becoming a better person, a better father, a better husband.<p>My wife has stopped the active affair-contact has almost totally stopped (they talked on PC 3/20) but OM still e-mails her (she hasn't read any since 3/20).<p>But I am losing hope. I regrettfully monitored all of my wife's interactions with OM since I discovered the A. I know how she made sacrifices for OM, expressed love for him, pursued him, showed compassion for him as he dealt with his wife's pregnancy by another guy, dressed up for him, had sex with him, etc. She is doing NONE of that for me and there is no indication that she ever will.<p>I am beginning to lose hope that my wife will ever be interested in the RADICAL RECOVERY I think we need.<p>Last nite I tried to just expresss my feelings to her. I haven't done this for over a week. So last nite I told her that I feel like she has just "settled in" to the old lazy marriage routine. Same old non-passionate, uninterested, inconsiderate habits. I said that behavior won't be acceptable to me anymore. I said that if the tables were turned, and I did what she did, I would be spending every day trying to show her that I loved her. I said that the fact that she is not makes me think she has totally fallen out of love with me and won't fall in love again.<p>She got very angry and defensive, saying that I'll never be satisfied, that I have to acknowledge the little things she is doing, I have to be more patient, etc. Same old response.<p>We are going on a couple's marriage retreat 4/26-28. I plan to review my marraige in the week following that retreat. If I do not see satisfactory signs that my W really desires a "radical" recovery, I plan to tell her the following weekend that it is Plan B time.<p>I truly hoped that by giving her what she always wanted I would win her back. But I don't think she gets it. She says I'm back to caring about "my needs" instead of hers. Hell, can't I have needs, too? Can't I express them? Each day is just another 24 hours, with no progress. <p>This is the only place I have to go to vent. I can't talk to her because she says I am "wallowing in self-pity", being selfish, feeling sorry for myself, worrying only about my needs, etc.<p>I feel like in her ideal world, I would never mention A or OM again, I would give her everything she wants and needs, and she would do nothing in return. Of course, she disputes this, but she has no interest in Harley's His Needs, Her Needs, no interest in therapy, no interest even in discussing our relationship.<p>This is not getting better, because time just keeps going by.<p>It sucks.<p>[ March 29, 2002: Message edited by: Boppo57 ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Last nite I tried to just expresss my feelings to her. I haven't done this for over a week. So last nite I told her that I feel like she has just "settled in" to the old lazy marriage routine. Same old non-passionate, uninterested, inconsiderate habits. I said that behavior won't be acceptable to me anymore. I said that if the tables were turned, and I did what she did, I would be spending every day trying to show her that I loved her. I said that the fact that she is not makes me think she has totally fallen out of love with me and won't fall in love again.<p>She got very angry and defensive, saying that I'll never be satisfied, that I have to acknowledge the little things she is doing, I have to be more patient, etc. Same old response.<p>We are going on a couple's marriage retreat 4/26-28. I plan to review my marraige in the week following that retreat. If I do not see satisfactory signs that my W really desires a "radical" recovery, I plan to tell her the following weekend that it is Plan B time.<p>I truly hoped that by giving her what she always wanted I would win her back. But I don't think she gets it. She says I'm back to caring about "my needs" instead of hers. Hell, can't I have needs, too? Can't I express them? Each day is just another 24 hours, with no progress. <hr></blockquote><p>Boppo... I'm gonna bop you on the head! You've been doing this for 4 short months... she's only stopped seeing the OM since when? She may not even be outta withdrawal yet. <p>There is a chapter in Carder's 'Torn Asunder' that really helped me with how RECOVERY is different for both people. Different timelines. Different needs. <p>I truly hoped that by giving her what she always wanted I would win her back. <p>If you're not making changes that are permanent and FOR YOU not for winning her back, you are spinning your wheels... your plan A... your changes MUST be for LIFE...<p>Boppo... you are only in charge of YOUR half of the relationship. You can only fix that. IMHO, when you take the focus OFF of what your wife is or is NOT doing, you will see dramatic change.<p>I hope you don't mind me being frank with you... and I hope you will understand that it is my experience talking... <p>Hugs,
Cali

Let me at him too Cali!!!!<p>AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.<p>She's only STARTING withdrawal!!! She's only been out of contact for 9 DAYS.<p>And yes it would be nice if you had one of those remorseful WS. BUT YOU DON'T.<p>You BOTH have work to do. At least you're seeing all the right signs. She's ended contact (maybe not as quickly as you wanted). BUT THE POINT IS -- SHE DID.<p>And now you want to know why she isn't throwing all that sex and affection your way???? Geeez -- let her get over it. There were reasons she lost those feelings with you. Its gonna take more than 9 days to work through it. <p>Thats great that you're a better father, husband, person. But hey, is it ok with you if she watches for more than a few weeks to see whether or not its for real? Lots of people can put up an act for a few weeks. Geez she saw 22 years of the old behavior, and a few weeks of the new behaviour is supposed to make her grateful???<p>Sorry if this is harsh. Feeling a little crabby today.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Cali:
<strong>There is a chapter in Carder's 'Torn Asunder' that really helped me with how RECOVERY is different for both people. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Uh, Yeah, what Cali said! She is right on the money with her advice for you, Boppo. If you haven't gotten Torn Asunder, you may want to...it really IS a great book. However, it doesn't sound to me like you've even read SAA. Have you? <p>HOW can you say in your sig line that you are "Working Plan A Hard" and then write what you wrote?!?!? I don't think you're working Plan A "hard." I think you're hardly working at all!! I think you want your old M back, with the old wife, and things to go back to the way they were. That's what you are complaining to her about.....get a clue. She doesn't want it, and she's telling you she's doing the best she can, and that you're not noticing that!<p>Boppo, believe me, and others who will tell you that you are WAAAY ahead of the curve on your Recovery. The "Radical Recovery" you are looking for happened when your WW cut her contact with him completely 2 weeks ago... Read my sig line. It's been 10 months - H LEFT HOME and never looked back. I don't know if he ever will.....bud, you've got NOTHIN' to complain about!!! Get off yer high horse, and PLAN A that woman!!!!!!<p>Sorry if I sound blunt, and angry, but I've got NO tolerance for "old-timers" (and you've been around long enough to know how hard this is for some of us....and how long and hard the journey has been) who want it instantly. <p>Plan A. Plan A. Plan A till you think you can't Plan A any more. Then Plan A SOME MORE. The rewards are out there. They are coming. She's in withdrawal from OM right now....also she's being cautious...to make sure you are "for real." DOn't let her down, 'k?<p>God Bless,

Ho-boy! You gettin' hammered here, aren't ya?? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Well, I tend to agree with "the girls"!!!<p>But I also very deeply empathize with you also. Being in a similar spot, but probably not nearly as good as you - i.e. my WW hasn't stopped contact. In fact, what looked like a possible breakthrough last weekend has all but evaporated, despite my continuing to be patient and as loving as possible with her. She keeps saying, "why am I doing this" essentially, but has no will to stop. So looking at my situation, you do have to at least feel a little better, right??!<p>Now... it is okay to vent, and you have a right to be frustrated. Your EN DO MATTER!! And that's why I simply suggest you keep an eye on your love bank. Talk about Plan B in regards to THAT, and I think you'll get beat on less, right ladies?? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>This does suck. I've been in a similar spot for nearly 7 months now. I'm losing respect for WW daily. Not so much about the A - I accept my responsibility for 50% of "problem #1". What irks me so much is her lack of regard for doing ANYTHING about "problem #2" - even though she can admit it, even through she can even acknowledge that her resentment towards me has been to justify her own "bad behavior" (her own words!!!) [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The other thing I wanted to say was that I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with saying what you're feeling inside. I think it becomes more dicey when you're projecting what you want - which is kind of a feeling, but not really. Your needs are on hold right now, sadly. I know you "get" this, but it's always worth repeating, even for myself.<p>But... SH has said this before... you're either in Plan A or in Plan B. So do a great Plan A... be the charming, confident, wonderful Boppo that you really are.<p>[ March 29, 2002: Message edited by: J.R. ]</p>

Lots of harsh words! Must be a crabby day.<p>I have read SAA- cover to cover - twice. Also read His Needs- Her Needs. Also read The Five Love Languages. And Love Life For Every Married Couple. And all of the advice I've seen here. And Michelle Weiner Davis site. ETC> ETC><p>What I am going thru is a desire to be the OM! I want what he got from my wife! What I HAVE NEVER HAD! I don't want to go back to any old life. That sucked too.<p>I want a passionate, exciting, romantic, committed, spontaneous love affair with my wife.<p>Thanks for the reality check. I am very, very impatient. Always have been. <p>I guess it is back to the drawing board- back to
what all those books I read say to do. Hey, JR, thanks for understanding from the guy's perspective. I don't think BW's really get what us BH's are dealing with (no offense ladies).

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>What I am going thru is a desire to be the OM! I want what he got from my wife! What I HAVE NEVER HAD! I don't want to go back to any old life. That sucked too.<p>I want a passionate, exciting, romantic, committed, spontaneous love affair with my wife. <hr></blockquote><p>Do you know the timeline of recovery for betrayed spouse? How long it can take? Howabout for WS? How does 2 years sound? I know like a very long time...<p>WE all want the above... but it is NOT going to happen overnight, in a week, in a month, in a year... it's gonna take awhile...<p>In the mean time, when you're feeling needy...COME HERE BEFORE YOU TALK TO WIFE... that's all I'm saying... plan it out...<p>The way you wrote it, you made a whole bunch of "I" statements.... I statements are like fingers that point and push people to the wall... and when their backs are to the wall they fight back... <p>I've posted the same kind of posts you have... "When you poke at a wounded bear, he bites" for example (or something like that)... Like I said, not wanting to be harsh... just frank... <p>...but we all seem to have to learn the hard way...<p>Hugs...
Cali

No one is being crabby, you are wanting to much too soon. <p>You WS is in withdrawnal. Give her chance if you want your marriage. Lay off the talks about relationships.

Boppo,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>What I am going thru is a desire to be the OM! I want what he got from my wife! What I HAVE
NEVER HAD! I don't want to go back to any old life. That sucked too.<p>I want a passionate, exciting, romantic, committed, spontaneous love affair with my wife. <hr></blockquote><p> I feel for you BP. I wanted the very things you speak of. I admit these feelings became so strong that I found it quite easy to fall into the EA I am now in. <p> Please be patient for awhile longer, friend. It appears you situation has improved vastly. Slow down and relish what WS is giving you. Remember a few weeks ago? Your WS is coming along, just let the passion build for a time. I really feel you will get the things you seek from your W.<p> Do not allow the things you want to overpower who you want those things with. Trust me, this EA I have fallen into has complicated everything 100 fold.<p> Luck to you man.<p> jd