Dear Forum,
This week has been v tough for me - I'm finally starting to get tough w/ my H - on Tues I told him I want a separation bc he hasn't stopped contact with OW - is still seeing, e-mailing and phoning her. Told him I could commit to a M which was based on honesty, openness and trust. I could commit to a M where both parties put each other first, respected each others feelings, and cared for each other's well-being. But I did not want to be M to someone who claimed for himself the right to a private life, secret emotional relationships which I knew nothing about, and that if he had nothing to hide, he would open up his e-mail ac and take the code/lock off his cellphone.<p>I love my H very much, although all the "love feelings" I have for him are now gone. I have been going through this now for almost a year - discovered EA1 last June, but it had been going on since March, or before, 2001.<p>My H response was to finally make an appt for individual counselling for himself, and he says he has done this because he is "the one with the problem". Trouble is even though he did this Tues, he still saw OW yesterday.<p>I know that a BIG LB for my H is depression, which I have suffered from - post-natal depression twice, and Seasonal Affective Disorder (Winter Blues) which affects me every winter between Sept and March. When I had PND the 2d time (6 yrs ago) I was on Prozac for 3 yrs and my H found me v agreeable - and why not! I never complained about anything he did or said! Nothing he did ever bothered me. He'd probably love me to be on Prozac for the rest of my life - then he could bully me to his heart's content!<p>The SAD is treated with light therapy - I sit in front of a light box on winter mornings for 1 hr a day - this is extremely effective and I don't feel I suffer ANY depression as long as I keep up my regime religiously (which I do).<p>But I feel my H is using these bad past experiences of mine to justify his own bad behaviour. My "depression" is his biggest excuse for needing R with other people. <p>I have spent 1 yr working hard at my own plan A - I realized that exploding in frustration when he bullied me was not accomplishing anything constructive, so I stopped. I have always been dedicated, kind, attentive to both his physical and emotional needs, always listening when he needed to offload about work. I haven't been possessive or demanding - in fact, I guess I've been TOO easy!<p>When we had one MC session in July last year, his complaint against me was that he had to "ring-fence" himself against my "depression" - he said he had to keep himself from being dragged down by me. Two years ago, he told me that everything he has accomplished I had a share in because I was always there for him, always there to support him, and held down the fort for him while he went out to do his job. All of a sudden, I'm dragging him down! I told him it wasn't me that had changed, it was him.<p>Now - the thing is , I've had enough of this crap - I've busted my [censored] to be great for my H - I have made love to him, given him cards, given him flowers, stayed cheerful, maintained my composure with his family and friends, been cheerful and loving at home, complimented him, told him how great he is, how special he is to me. I have gone out and got a job and am now contributing half our income - I still do all the housework - as far as I can see, H has GOT IT MADE! What have I got in return? Another affair and even more lies, and this time, the threat of violence. Until this week, when I finally turned off the charm and told him it was over, and if he couldn't commit, he had to go.<p>Now I really AM depressed! Now I really CAN'T find the strength to pretend I'm happy. Now I really DON'T feel like talking to him, smiling or co-operating in any way. I'm sadder than sad b/c I am letting go and losing the man I have loved for 17 years, and the father of my children. I can't help but let it show. This is my EN right now showing - I've had enough of meeting his ENs - he has never even TRIED to meet mine, so why should I care anymore if this is a LB.<p>The question is - for us, this seems to be his original LB big time - my getting down. Do I let it show, or do I muster up something out of nowhere and try to go on, just b/c he's going into counselling, and I still have hope to save our M?<p>Since he isn't out of the house yet, am I still in plan A? I am positive about myself - and I am happy when he isn't around. His dishonesty and duplicity are LB big time for me, and I have had enough of them. I don't put the blame for my feeling down on to him - this is my reaction right now to the stress of finally letting him know I've had enough. And I'm also not looking for attention. A little hug and kiss from him is not what I want right now. I want a H who loves me. But if being down is what drives him away, is there any way out of this vicious circle.<p>The forum took one of the members apart for wanting his WW to try to meet some of his ENs for a change. I know its expecting too much out of my H to even begin to dream about that until he realizes that he IS having an A and makes a decision about stopping or splitting.<p>But that doesn't stop me from having ENs either, and I think being depressed under present circumstances is pretty normal, and I'm finding it hard to hide how I feel.<p>Does the forum have any opinions on this? Be tough if you want. I can take it. I'm interested to know your responses.<p>Odile

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by odile:
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The question is - for us, this seems to be his original LB big time - my getting down. Do I let it show, or do I muster up something out of nowhere and try to go on, just b/c he's going into counselling, and I still have hope to save our M?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Remember, an LB is in the eye of the beholder. It could well be an Annoying Behavior LB for your husband. You can not say what is or is not an LB for your H. If he says it is, you have to try to eliminate it. Besides, how would you rather look? Confident and happy or like the glass is 'half-empty'? I comment this way because these are some of the same things that my W said that annoyed her. She said that my 'glass-half empty' attitude wore on her. She need someone that was a little more optimistic rather than someone that was always pesimistic. Does this make sense to you? Become a better, more attractive odile! Like yourself!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>
Since he isn't out of the house yet, am I still in plan A? I am positive about myself - and I am happy when he isn't around. His dishonesty and duplicity are LB big time for me, and I have had enough of them. I don't put the blame for my feeling down on to him - this is my reaction right now to the stress of finally letting him know I've had enough. And I'm also not looking for attention. A little hug and kiss from him is not what I want right now. I want a H who loves me. But if being down is what drives him away, is there any way out of this vicious circle.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Have you really been following a Plan A? Do you know what your H most important EN needs are and did you make and implement a plan to try to meet those needs? Did you seek out feedback from him on the things you were doing (changes you were making)? Ultimately, Plan A is to work on becoming a better odile. Can you say that you've done all of these things and there still has not been any progress? If so, then it is time to consider the Plan B option. Plan B is to protect the love that you have left for your H. The Plan B helps you stop LB'ing your H and helps them see what EN you can't meet when you are around. But again, ultimately, the Plan B concept is to help protect you. You don't want to go to it after you have lost all hope and have no love left for your H.<p>I'm working on a modified Plan B myself. I'm slowing moving toward a full-scale Plan B. In my modified plan, I am not reaching out to meet my W's EN. If she continues to contact the OM and even deny there is an on-going A, then, shortly, I will take actions to protect myself.<p>Good luck. I know this isn't easy. {{{{odile}}}}<p>HoFS

Hi odile.<p>I'm sorry, but I don't know much about your story. How long have you been in Plan A? You said a year? Has it been a true Plan A where you consciously tried to address and meet his most important emotional needs without lovebusting? If so, then I can understand why you are losing what's left of the love you have for him. <p>In your post you mention that you have been cheerful around him and that you are busting your hind end in meeting his needs, but then you said that your depression is causing him to turn away. I guess the question is what is he feeling? Does he feel you are being cheerful and meeting his needs? (Remember, it's what he perceives, not you).<p>I don't think depression is necessarily a love buster, but he may think that he's helpless when you are like that. It's tough on a spouse b/c a lot of times they feel like there's not a whole lot they can do to help, and it also can bring him down in the process. People tend to like to be around cheerful people. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] He may also feel like you cannot meet his needs when you are like that. <p>Getting feedback from him is important (if he's willing... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ). Have you tried any counseling with the Harleys? Have you tried to fill out the Emotional Needs and LoveBusters Questionaires together?<p>It may be that you are still either not addressing some of his needs or still somehow engaging in "annoying behavior" or "disrespectful judgements." This is where a true professional, like the Harleys, can help. They can help you develop a plan and guide you through it.<p>It sounds like your love for him is rapidly depleting. Plan A is not about being a doormat. It's about making changes in yourself to make you a better spouse. I would suggest you get some help in making sure your Plan A is effective. If you can do it effectively for, say, 3-6 months, then you can go to Plan B if you see no progress or if the affair is still going on. This way at least he will see that you can be the wife he always wanted. (He may not recognize it at the time, by the way, which is why it helps to have a coach like one of the Harleys to keep you on the right path).<p>I hope this helps. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>-HD