i'm guessing by now you all know pretty much my situation-small recap for those that dont-<p>hasband had short ea/pa from oct.-jan.
p/a stopped dec8th (i think)
e/a stopped beginning of jan. (i think)
we have been trying since
husband has not really been meeting my en,but is kinda trying lately-just enough to keep me quiet<p>here's my dillema-when i found out i demanded 1/2 of our savings. he wrote a check and i have had it ever since. we are about to get back a very large tax return-5 figures-husband is allready planning on how to use it. things for the house that have been put off. a patio i wanted, very large bbq, and such. these were all things that i had wanted also at one time. i guess my problem is im not sure if this marriage is gonna work-if it stays the way it is now im outta here. there is no emotional anything from hubby. no conversation about a or his feelings. i have a deadline in my head of may 9th, if in 5 months of my pain, torture and suffering he can not get with the program and put us ahead of his job or whatever else he deems more important at the moment- im done. and yes im ok with that. i have gained so much strength in all of this its probably dangerous. i lost this strong and confident person i use to be and she is back with a vengance.<p>so, do i come right out and tell hubby i dont want to do anything with the money just yet or do i take 1/2 and squirrel it away again. i would like to know what the betrayers think because he believes everything is fine. this is a man who couldnt understand why i wasnt happy- after all he chose ME. yes he did say that to me. any ideas

Hi nikko,
I am a FWS. I would say if you are not sure what the status of you marriage is at this point. Then I would sit down a talk to him about putting the money aside for now. <p>From my POV, it is too early in the game to be making big decisions like that. It sounds like it has been 3 months at the most since his A ended right? And from what you say, you are not 100% positive on that.<p>So until you are sure, I would do anything with the money just yet. Whether you want to just put it aside or take half. That is up to you. <p>Being a FWS myself. I will never again take for granted that everything is just fine. I do not feel comfortable trying to go back to the same old routines. <p>Forgive me if I am wrong. But it doesn't sound like he has really accepted responsibility for what he has done to you. You can't just put a band-aid on the problem. <p>I hope this helps.
1step

Nikko,<p>This really isn't an answer but here is what happened to me last time......<p>I had been putting money away....just in case. I thought if he ever does this again......I'll be prepared.<p>Looking back, I felt like I was protecting myself but it was adding another wedge to our M.<p>It turns our that it was good from one stand point to put it away, needed it for a medical emergency<p>Well, H did IT again. I still have a little left, and it makes me feel guilty. We are not in the radical honesty part yet, but I feel that if I hide this past a certain point, then that wouldn't be good for the R<p>I agree that it would be best to be honest with WH, but I hear if's in my head...if you two are in a place where you feel safe to do so.????<p>Good question, hopefully someone better at this will reply

thanks for the quick replies-with the holiday weekend and all i thought i might be the only one here.<p>dear 1step-thanks for the input. i say not sure because how can we ever be sure? have i caught him again,no. do i trust his word its over,NO. have no proof either way. as far as his responsibility- he has not showed one iota of empathy or remorse since this all started. he is emotionally retarded, our mc told him this. we have no emotional conversations at all. i would get more response from a brick. he tells me he is close to letting me in emotioanally, however i think he is just pacifying me with that. the sad thing is if he doesnt do something soon, i will get to the point of not giving a crap about his emotions. i am getting stronger everyday and loving it. hopefully when he is ready to let me in i will still be here.

bump for me

bumpity bump

I would ask for half peacefully and talk about why ... if you want any of the repairs...e tc... maybe you can split the costs... tell him you don;t feel safe yet... and you need more time before you go making big decisions... will he go to counseling?<p>Hugs, H

nikko,
As a WH.......we sometimes tend to think things are ok but blindly so! It sounds to me as if your H is in denial big time. That isn't good for your M in the long term. I agree that you don't want to get to hasty on big decisions just yet but only you know how you feel and where you want to go with your life.
As for the $$$$............I would hope that the two of you can sit down and discuss your future and take some time before you spend anything on something neither one of you may ever enjoy.I also believe that the both of you should agree on where to put it in the meantime for the good of both of you.
That's my 2cnts.
Brw

thanks honey-the first excuse for leaving counseling was he hated her-she called him emotionally retarded and compared him to a robot dog, dont ask! he stopped seeing her. he then thought if he could find a male counselour, younger, he could relate easier to him. i found him one and he never called. when asked he told me we couldnt afford it with my counseling. i stopped. im doing much better healing myself with the help of you guys anyway. then insurance said they wouldnt cover his counseling because they think this is a pre-exhisting condition. dont even get me started on that one. so now we have to get a letter from previous ins. co-which by the way is bankrupt and out of business stating that this is not a pre-existing condition. it sucks. he just will keep finding excuses.

dear brw-denial big time-and thats an understatement. i will only feel safe if i take 1/2 the money. then i know it will be there for my children and i if needed. i dont trust him fully with the money-weve had issues in the past regaurding money.

nikko,<p>I don't really have much background on your history, but I'll give you some tried and tested advice, based on MB principles.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>here's my dillema-when i found out i demanded 1/2 of our savings.<hr></blockquote><p>Demands are never good in a marriage. Ever. Regardless of what your husband did, how loving do you think he feels towards you when you demand? It's a lovebuster---and you must learn to control these. Doing so under the stress of an affair is certainly challenging---but if you can do it under these stresses, it'll become very easy when the marriage gets better.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>we are about to get back a very large tax return-5 figures-husband is allready planning on how to use it. things for the house that have been put off. a patio i wanted, very large bbq, and such. these were all things that i had wanted also at one time. <hr></blockquote><p>From this statement, I would guess that your husband is trying to meet your emotional needs. You certainly don't want to kick him in the teeth for this, even if his effort is misguided or off target. You should have a pleasant, safe conversation (negotiation via POJA) regarding the state of your finances.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>i guess my problem is im not sure if this marriage is gonna work-if it stays the way it is now im outta here.<hr></blockquote><p>You're planning for failure, and that's self-defeating. If your marriage tanks, you will get 20%, your husband will get 20%, and the lawyers will get 60%. Unless you really feel bad for those underfed, underpaid divorce lawyers---plan for success.<p>The best way to do this is to call the counseling center here at MB (888-639-1639 for appointments) and start some real marriage counseling. I can't imagine what a poor excuse of a counselor would do what that woman did to your husband. I'd suggest that you try Steve Harley---he's terrific (I counseled with him for quite some time). He will help you both develop a plan for success in your marriage---right now it's pretty clear that you don't have a plan for success. Put a couple grand of this tax refund into your marriage through this counseling. It's the best investment you'll ever make.

You've got some great advice on this thread, Nikko. <p>Even our veteran heavy hitter and very wise K posted to you, which is quite rare. Believe me, this guy knows his stuff, he counseled with the Harley's quite a bit, and at one time MBer's here use to speculate that HE was Steve Harley .... lol, but he's not.<p>Jo

I am still trying to get my wife to come back and start working on repairing our marriage. So, in the meantime, I am doing some counseling and soul searching on my own. I had a session with Jennifer Chalmers the other day and she is wonderful. The counselors at MB truly do care about you and giving you the right kind of advice for restoring your marriage. They have heard it all so who better to coach you than the leading experts.<p>I asked a question last week about whether the Harley's were that good. I am finding out that they really are. Invest in your marriage, the material things can wait.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by MT in AK:
<strong>I asked a question last week about whether the Harley's were that good. I am finding out that they really are. Invest in your marriage, the material things can wait.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>MT,<p>I remember your post...and I'm really glad you called them. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Nikko,<p>You've received great advice from one of the most respected members of this forum. If you are getting a five-figure tax refund, than you can definitely afford a few sessions with the Harleys. In your situation they would really help you out, and I can't think of a better way to use that money.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>-HD

Nikko, I had a one-sided EA... my W and I had a lot of problems and have been working on them. There have been rough spots and my W was not sure she could hang in there long enough. She was very upfront about it and we have talked about the same issue - doing major home improvements. In my W's case, she wanted to do them so that if it didn't work, the house would be "done". I was OK with that and working on the house actually brought us together. I think the fact that I supported her in that helped. I think you should be honest. Your H needs to know where you are and understand that he is not meeting your EN's. If you don't tell him, you're denying him the chance to meet your needs.

My eyes are seeing things way too fuzzy right now (time for bed after this post... hehehe), so I haven't read any of the responses to your initial post.<p>What I wanted to share with you is what my H and I did with our income tax returns this year:<p>We POJA'd an amount that we would each be given to do whatever it was we wanted to do with it. We started out with using the money for the absolute necessities (the minivans exhaust needed repairs for example), and then split the rest of the money 50/50.<p>Do you think that might work for you and your H? I really don't think putting such a large sum of money into a marital house is something you two need to focus on right now. IMO, if some of those things are THAT important to him right now (like the bbq?), then let him get that with HIS share of the money. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Nikko,<p>I agree with your other posts that counseling with the Harley's would be excellent. I could only afford one session with him...but it was worth it.<p>With a 5 figure return...is there a way you could spend some on counseling, some on house things and then each of you get some for a "rainy day". I would never have thought of that before--our marriage was always joint everything....and that was great when it was working. When he had affairs--he became another man...mean and cruel. I wish I had started my own mutual funds or savings or something---it sure as hell would have helped me and the kids now. Looking out after your own interests and the interests of your kids can never be wrong. If I had started that 12 years ago, when he had his first affair and threatened to leave us---I wouldn't be in as near bad shape as I am in now. Hindsite is always better.<p>I always wanted my marriage to work too---and I worked really hard at forgiving and moving on. I was looking towards our future and the kids. He promised he wouldn't hurt us like this again...well, he did...and right now, I am in a financial hole. I was really stupid. You have to look after you and the kids first---and if that is an LB---TOOO BAD!!!!

"Emotionally retarded".... what an AWFUL remark! Sounds like you might agree with that awful remark made by the MC. DO you agree with that remark? Time for YOU to do a little self-reflection .... does this type of disrespectful remark sit well with you? "I will get to a point of not giving a crap about his emotions" ..... sounds like you may have been emotionally distanced from him for awhile ... ??? possibly before the affair???<p>What are you willing to do to save your family from the disaster of divorce? Are you willing to examine your disrespect?<p>As for the monies .... put them into an interest-earning situation .... until you can both agree 100% on how to spend it. Perhaps a college fund for your children?<p>Pepper

Nikko,<p>I've just stuck to POJA about things like that. My H wants to sell the house and buy a new one and move. Some of his ideas about that, specifically WHERE he wanted to move, were not acceptable to me in the current situation, so I told him that I would not be able to agree to those particular proposed plans because I did not have enough security in the M. He didn't really argue with it because he can argue till he's blue in the face and I STILL won't have enough security in the M to live in the middle of nowhere.<p>Anyway, that's really all I needed to tell him, and now he has revised the plan to moving to a new place in town, and I said I would be agreeable to that as long as we don't go further into debt or have a larger mortgage payment for the same reason--lack of security in the M. He is going ahead with the realtor and all, and I am probably LBing him all over the place because I am not running around getting the house [censored] and span and ready to sell.<p>Maybe I'll get enthusiastic eventually. It would probably help if he got on board with the program of marital recovery, which would obviously increase the security in the M.<p>I went off on a tangent there. What I was trying to convey is that by using that terminology about "security in the M", it simply states the facts, and if he wishes to investigate further as to what specifically that means and why you are insecure in the M, then he has the opportunity to open up that discussion to learn more about what you need from him should he be interested.<p>[ March 30, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

sure - i go to bed early for once in my life and i miss K answeing my post.<p>thank you everyone for the responses.<p>K-i know you probably dont know my full situation, but i "demanded" the money only hours after finding out about affair. was told by my husband he did it just to hurt me in the worst way possible. yes demanding the money was wrong-demanding anything is wrong-however i was in shock and dying at the moment. i havent demanded anything since. plus it was a joint acct. i could have written a check anyway to myself. as far as having a safe conversation with him-he wont talk to me. he is a major conflict avoider. his usual way of dealing with "stuff" is to ignore it, it will go away. i have tried on many occasions to talk to him-he doesnt hear me. he doesnt want to. i cant force him to deal with this. he has to do it willingly, pushing him is no good. as far as using the money for counselingw/harley's-i have every intention of doing that. again i cant make him, but i will myself. thank you so much for your post. wish i was up so we could have talked.<p>RCane-as far as not telling him and giving him the chance to meet my emotioal needs- one question- have you ever banged your head against a brick wall repeatedly?? i have told him what i need on many occasions. he only does whats comfortable for him, which is not much. example-he works a lot overtime-runs a car dealership-so if someone comes in at end of night, he has to stay. all i ask is if you are not leaving at 9pm please call me. well i will get a call-at 9:30, 10:00 or whenever it is convenient for him. not when i need it to rebuild trust and comfort. so you see he has the chance to meet my needs-he chooses to put everything else first.<p>toppie-that bbq you mentioned-its big enough to cook a human!!(may come in handy-sorry im only joking!!)<p>pepper-do i agree with what counselor said about my husband-to a degree but definately not in those terms. does he have emotional issues-YES. is he retarted about emotions-NO. it was a dissrespectfull thing to say. we stopped using her. she was unbelievable. husband lost his father-who was alcoholic at 8yrs old. very disfunctional family with lots of issues. did we emotionally separate before affair-yes. i had to because of the way he was treating me. he had his affair going and wanted me to distance myself so he could have his freedom-so he told me i needed to throw my 12 yr old out of the house. he didnt want him living with us anymore. he went right for the one thing that he knew would get a rise out of me. my child. that was the beginning of the end. i did not know at the time he had someone else.<p>conqueror-i agree with the security in marriage issue you brought up. i also know you are dealing with n avoider-would this work with him? would that make your husband open up with you? i will try this but i dont know if he will respond.<p>thank you all for the wisdom-im just sorry i wasnt around last night when my thread came alive.