PLEASE, PLEASE, CAN YOU GIVE ME ADVICE ON THE FOLLOWING!<p> I am currently married, but don't know for how long, we were married last July and had been fine up to about 3 months ago. We had made the shocking discovery that I had contracted HPV or the human papiloma virus (commonly known as genital warts) from a relationship I had before meeting my W. I found out that the virus is with me for the rest of my life and that it is contagious. Even though it can be treated (and I have done so), it can recur at any time and I could pass it on to my W. <p> I have always been faithful to her and have never so much as thought of having an A. As far as I know she likewise has been faithful to me, but I have some doubts as she shows some of the signs if infidelity even though she said she would not cheat on me but would rather leave me if she thought she was going to have an A. She told me that she has nothing to hide from me, but is it not true that the H or W is always the last one to find out about an A?<p> She said that if it wasn't for the HPV that we would be fine and that we would work, but she can not get it out of her mind that it is there and always will be. She says that she loves me but doesn't love me enought to want to work through it. Our sex lives have pretty much fizzled out, and she said that she can't bring herself to touch me without thinking about the warts. We don't even so much as hug any more and I can't remember the last time we even kissed. There really is no affection on her part anymore. She feels as though I have ruined our marriage. She also told me that she loves me but not in the way a W should love a H but more as a "friend". She says she's confused right now and doesn't know what she wants to do. She doesn't want to go to counseling because she feels all they will do is try and "brainwash" her into feelin something that she might not feel. Some days she is fine and is willing to work through it and other days she isn't. She feels that we should separate first before we do anything "drastic", but I feel that if someone wants to separate they are basically trying to throw in the towel and say that there is really no hope for us. Am I wrong? She has been going out allot more with friends most of which are single and are probably influencing her in the fact "hey this is what your miising out on since you decided to get married". Sometimes when she goes out she will meet up with a guy who she says is just a friend, but they seem to text each other quite often and quite frequently call each other (only on their cell phones)! Am I wrong to think that this is more than just a friend or is it a start of an EA?<p> She says she feels that we rushed into our marriage (we were cohabitating a year before we were married). She says that she is very independent and misses her independency. I have never been horrible to her, I have never taken her independency from her, if she wants to go out, I let her. I don't ask the 50 questions of "where are you going", "with who", "what are you going to be doing", etc. I make her bubble baths, cook most of the dinners, take care of her when she fells ill. I have never taken advantage of her. I have for the most part treated her like the queen. I am not ready to end this marriage and feel that there is still a chance for us even if it means to take small steps to get back to where we once were. Am I right in feeling this way or do I need to face the music and move on, what should I do? Am I being paranoid about her having an A on me or could I be right? Is it a lost cause? PLEASE give me some useful advice for I really don't know where to go from here, but I Don't want to lose my wife and more importantly my best friend!PLEASE [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi... welcome to MB...<p>It's unfortunate that we need a place like this, but now that you've found it, take some time to really take it in... because there's a LOT of information here (and elsewhere) that's designed to help you - and your wife, really.<p>I recommend getting and reading "Surviving an Affair" (check the bookstore link). Yes, it sounds like there's a good possibility that your wife is engaged in some kind of "inappropriate relationship" outside of your marriage - of course, that's based on circumstantial evidence until she admits it, but the behaviors you describe are quite textbook.<p>Don't become discouraged. You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders. You can get through this, and you'll find a lot of support here to move you on that path.<p>A couple of things to keep in mind:<p>- Patience is incredibly important. Don't expect any miracle cures. It's a process, not an event.<p>- You need to focus on YOU, making you the best person you can be. You can't control your wife. Your description of what you've been doing seems to show you already "get" the concept of Plan A... good!

ok calm down!! not that big of a deal. i promise. It is the MOST embarrassing thing to contract an STD. You feel like u are the ONLY one in the UNIVERSE who has one. but beyond that... there is life after an STD. HPV is contractable yes, however, i was diagnosed with it 11 yrs ago. we did not know if it was from my now H (who was a boyfriend, whose XG cheated on him regularly) or from my XB who was in the army and was also unfaithful. I was DEVESTATED. Angry...turns out that my H got them also about the same time. So, i went to the dr and had a 'colposcopy' and i have never ever gotten them again. Is it a thorn in our side? NO! why? cause it was from the past. However, upon reading information NOW, break out is with in 30-45 days, not dormant like was orginally told to me. (did u have any treatment?)<p>The thing of all this is that the past is the past. If she is using this as a crutch to get out then there are other issues to deal with. <p>Now, on the other hand...it seems with your wife's behavior...?? id be suspicious myself. it just isnt right that a marriage would fall apart this quickly!! Confusion, no affection..sounds typical of a WS(wayward spouse, betrayer, cheater) take ur pick.<p>Weekends are slow here...typically of holiday weekends..u will get more response monday.<p>Are u new? (dern thing takes that info off when u do a reply) id read on different forums and read the artilces on the homepage too. Get yourself familiar with MARRIAGEBUILDING so you can learn to impliment it in your relationship.<p>Good Luck,
mercy

Welcome to MB, Jhon Doe,<p>Here is a great resource for new posters.

For new poster from K<p>There is a lot of MB homework to do first, and it's important to work on being calm and accepting that working through relatioship problems takes a long time.<p>My first reaction to your situation is that your wife might be using the STD issue as a smoke screen to divert attention from her relationship with this other man. Whether or not the R has developed into and EA or PA, there is not enough information to say.<p>If there is an A going on, then by doing your homework with MB and by becoming very aware of what your W says and does regarding this man, you will soon know. Now the good news is that if her attitude toward you is primarily about an A and the STD is secondary, there is hope for the recovery of your marriage, but it will take time. <p>Keep posting and learning. People here will listen.<p>Best wishes,
Estes<p>[ March 30, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]</p>