Some folks in the Recovery Forum have expressed an interest in a forum related to Alcholism/Addictions and recovery. Any of you folks interested in such a forum or know how to get one started? Thoughts and comments on the idea appreciated either here or in the recovery post below.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=31&t=006353<p>God's strength and much patience to you all.

I am very interested, i do know that alanon has an online chat room and online meetings that I sometimes go to... but I haven't gone as much as here... maybe the harley's would put up an area... but i do not think this is the main thrust of the mb program so perhaps, not?<p>thanks, H<p>h alcoholic in denial, me, crazy wife trying to figure out how to live with active alcoholism, we are seperated so that helps... but I still love the man. I just wish he would see what his drinking does... I have tried alanon, tough love, and even not caring... but I consitenetly end up the alcholic's wife who is twisted in a pretzel trying to figure out how to make this marriage work... sorry for my negativity, I am glad to see you are a recovering Alcoholic who started this post....<p>I jsut wish my H would wake up ! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi, I also would be interested in an alcoholism/addiction forum. I have noticed in my readings and posting that there are a number of couples that share that issue with me. I think that those who are dealing with infidelity AND alcoholism/addictions have many times an even harder time using the MB concepts effectively, mostly because the WS is also often in a fog not only from the A but from the drug(s). Its harder to get them to deal with the A issues when they are active in their disease as well. This is my experience anyway. I'd love to get thoughts on that.

I replied over on Recovery.

Wow...what a great idea. If nothing else it would give an addict somewhere to go in the times of weakness. I think anything is a great idea if it would save a marriage or give BS some insight into what is happening in the head of an addict.<p> love in christ<p> cajunky

I really do need this. My husband wants his sexual needs fufilled and I would love to oblige.....but I draw the line on sex with a drunk...he can't see how his alcohol problem has impacted every aspect of our marriage. How can we begin to solve the other problems without addressing that issue

Tom.<p>I think the thread would be a good idea. There are so many dealing with addictions either their spouse, themselves or possibly both (as in our case)<p>To some extent I agree with Bramble Rose, that codepenancy could be a problem on these boards. Alanon is the best place to learn to deal with another's alcoholism. <p>But I also think that this could be a support for many of us who follow each others stories. Having a safe place to discuss the the intertwined problems of alcoholism and affairs.<p>Some may truly be seeking help how to deal with this issue. It may serve to give someone get started or offer assistance. This could and would not take the place of Alanon.

Tom, I replied on the Recovery board. I like it...<p>I agree that codependency will be an issue, since by definition, those of us living with substance abusers are codependents. Hopefully, we would be better able to see this clearly than those who haven't dealt with these issues - if not in ourselves, then at least in each other. That's what MB support is all about, right?<p>AlAnon is definitely the best place to deal with codependency, but it would be nice to have a place where other people understood the often more complex problems when both infidelity and substance abuse are involved. <p>[ March 30, 2002: Message edited by: LetSTry ]<p>[ March 30, 2002: Message edited by: LetSTry ]</p>

Hello Folks,<p>Have had some folks express a concern about this on the Recovery Board (see link above if your interested). Also posted some of my thoughts there. For know, will see if we get anymore comments on this and then decide what to do. <p>Just a note that I hope everyone realizes that the proposal for a new forum would not be with intent to replace AA or Alanon or other 12 step programs or professional counciling or this forum. Just a place to share our stories. Sometimes it is hard to find someone that is dealing with the addiction and alcholism issues it this broader based forums. Also, recovery is always about changing yourself, not your spouse. Hang in there and enjoy the holiday. They do get better.<p>Thanks much for all the great thoughts and keep up the great work.

Sounds good to me. My WH has obsessive/compulsive disorder and I feel that a separate community that addresses such issues will be of great benefit to me and the family. I'm sure that this type of behavior is more common than naught whereas relationship problems are concerned.<p>I'm all for it.....count me in [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

I think it is SOOO difficult... with an A and the alcoholism when the spouse will not get sober.. my spouse will more than likel y work on the a only and everyone in the world , 3 therapists so far and the harley's say he has to get sober to work on the M. I am sorry, but I cannot force this on my H, and he does not want to do both right now... recovering our M to what it was before the A is possible.. .and to even a better state.. but sobriety, first? I don't think my H will ever get there right now. This issue frightens me beyond beleif because I want to stay married.. please someone give me feedback on this issue... I know they say he needs to stop...<p>Also, I would not have sf with a drunk either... therefore H cheated... not only that... I ususally avoided my H while he sdrank.. therefore, we grew apart.. I did not want the arguements.. .so I stayed upstairs while he drank at the computer and out back in the yard alone,,.. then the bars startred again... plus we had little ones and a back prob. for me... so it is just so hard to say it is all alcohol... but I know that is a lot of it... I went to alanon and detached.. my detachment took us apart more and more... see? Anyone get that... ? it is sooo hard... we used to be sooo close.. I used to drink with him... until I got pregant... over 10 yrs... agao... so since the kids... i have never drank like he has again.. never... but he has never held the responsibility I do in the family, never.. but he is the man.. he resents me for htis... but I had to take responsibility, he did not???/ HELP.. guys... I still love this man, but I see his illness so clearly.. his family denies it... or the only ones who can confront him deny it.. but he may be near bottoming out... I really need some help on these issues.. I am struggling .. if anyone... yes... you too bramble... i know you have been there... and I am truly sorry for being so sensitive to your tougher words... that one crzy week... I flipped on you... anyway... if anyone can help me... please post back..> i struggle so much with this... I start to think it may be better for kids and me... to move on with out an alcoholic dad and H, but I love him, so do our kids... and we just wish he could see what he is doing to himself and to us... he has not a clue... at least not one he admits... it is all my fault... and the crzy things I have done on a few terrible occassions will never be forgotten by my h, he keeps hhis short list of my shortcomings nearby to attack me with whenever he feels vulnerable.. he must say how it is all me, and if I were not so nutzo... there would not be a problem in the world.. you see it is all my fault... I am the one who is emotionally unstable because of my reaction to all the crziness in being married to an alcoholic... facing this is another issue... I think I too am comign out of denial of how bad he is.. being awy from the drinking... we have been seperated 6 months shows me how normal life is without a constant drunk around.. there was always a crisis.... now, I just worry, when will he turn up dead or in a hospital,, or even with vd. another reason to sto pthe sf... I feel if he can;t get it regularly with me.. he will find it anywhere... as I think he may be sex addict mat erial possibly , this man wants it all the time... 7 or more times a day would be good.... at least that is what he says... so I just think he lives for the external fix.. and does nt want to look inside at all.. funny when we married I saw him as so intellectual, spiritual and sensual and connected to me... now, he is distant... and losing even himself with the alcohol... it does get progressively worse... <p>SAD< SAD sad... over this... please post if you can relate.<p>l [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

bump, anyone interested in alcoholism reading here... I am so upset... but dealing with as much detachment as I can muster- alcoholism is so obviously what is wrong in my life... and my poor husband is just missing out on life itself and having the bottle instead. I know no way to save him. He went to san fran this wkend and interviewed with 2 companies... one being a computer co. the other a champagne factory... etc... company... not a winery, so would it be chapagnery...? They gave him loads of free champagne bottles and he is home drinking them tonight.. it is really sad... he is not at my home... but his... and a maid called my house asking for him calling him her baby... OK, so is the mail his new girlfriend.? I asked h about this, told him about the call, and he sd... she must have a crush on him... ? What is going on here... I am concerned...he is drinking so much it is really really bad.... <p>I mentioned to him tonight... perhaps you could try aa? Have you thought about yourself being a heavy drinker? He says NO, he is fine... his life is just fine... we are at least 3 yrs. away from working things out between the 2 of us... and also that he likes his life... and no one treats him bad anymore.... <p>I truly love this man, but the more apart I get from him the sadder it gets... I am starting to think my real denial was worse than I thought of his drinking... being absorbed in it, and living with it daily makes everything so much harder to deal with in reality... living with an alcoholic... it is so hard when you love them.... and I do love him...he can be so great... but then so awful... he isn't really even mean... but he does cuss to much when he talks... all the time... and he yells when he is under pressure... etc. I am so sad for him and for our boys to see him do this to his life, and our lives... maybe he will bottom... I am truly afraid of his killing himself behind the wheel- we all love this man... it is sooo sad...<p>Yes, I know I was enableing him like crazy when home,a nd we had the crzy alcoholic fights here... but it is sooo sad... i think he may be lying and something could of happened with the maid... I just do not get it now... I really dont..he told me she is kind of cute.... he tells so many lies it is so hard to knw what the truuth is... with him..<p>ANyone ever been here? WHat did you do//// i am truly afraid for the kids... and me and him and all of our future... I start to think... OK, I will be better without him... look who he really is... it is so sad... he is just falling down hill.. but it is so confusing, because when he is sober.. he can seem so normall... but when drinking, like a wayward bum going straight to hell and bottoming out... on their way to death.... <p>please anyone who has been down this road... i do not want to be a codependent.. I do not want to save him... I try letting him fall with love , that is the best I can do... I have lb'ed to the point I just can't hardly do it anymore... he has let me down as a H. But I do not want to let him down anymore.. it is like he just goes on and on that I have been mean to him... and there is no owning what he has done to contribute to the marriage... <p>He says right now he has to get a job and a roommate... then maybe in 3 months he might go to counseling... he is ok, his life is good, no one treats him bad now, he says... YOu mean there is no one at home waiting on him and having him come home drunk arfter cheating on them, and coming home and lying to them... he just does not own what he does... or how about not working to support the family, or not being responsible or loving or even there for me... <p>He is there for alcohol and drugs... and wants to be a fun time dad, when he can...<p>Tonight he sd he had easter bunny presents for our sweet boys... from san fran... and he thought it was too late to bring them over... 10pm, glda he does not want to drive... had to get off the phone when we were talking 2x, after 1ast time he called me back... and it was the maid calling ,k he sd.. she comes over every other day to clean and he gives her 20 dollars every other day... what else does she do? He got here from the grocery store referral... maybe I have to do some spying on this situation... I am not having sf with him,, and he is getting worse and mau have become really desperate.. it is so sad... so sad. <p>
I just do not even know what to think, I met him at 16, and it is like seeing my best friend kill himself... and not being able to listen to me tell him not to... he just ignores me every time I try to suggest aa... or anything... I know he needs to come to his own about all of this... maybe having a maid as his lover will be the catalyst.. this is a man who grew up quite well off, and though is from the south... I am startig to think he is like the southerner men who had the slaves... I just do not know... I am not trying to be racist please do not think that... but this is getting really sad... people... I can't even think of having him go to bed with me now that I have this inkling of a hint of something happening... I know alcoholism really kills peopole... it is just so destructibe... I am starting to live my life more.. .now.. but I just wanted him to be OK>..<p>what is my problem for marrying this man? My counselor in ind. counseling wants me to figure out why I married him and what I get out of this kind of relationship so I won't do it again , she thinks it is hopeless and will never work out, and I am majorly co dependent and that we both blame each other for everthing... HELP< please ... anyone , I am one confused person, and I just wish alcohol had never come onto this earth.<p>thanks to anyone who can offer anything... I am truly a wreck in what to do over this,... if anything... live and let live , right?
Hugs, HONEY [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

Honey,<p>Have you been to Alanon yet? If not I would strongly encourage you to check into going to an alanon meeting on a regular basis. That program and focusing on you is the only thing you can do for you. Your husband needs to figure out his problems on his own. You can't stop his drinking, but you can understand your part in this by going to alanon, reading some alanon literature and taking care of you. Has your councilor talked to you about alanon, codepency, etc? Hang in there Honey, the hope is that you can get better, your husband may or may not.

honey, I have to second Tom's advice. Try AlAnon. My H is active alcoholic living with very much younger OW. He is in denial, but I no longer am. I go to 4 AlAnon meetings a week and don't know what I'd do without them. I am learning to take care of myself, focus on myself, and to let go of him. Hard, I know, when he was your best friend and he's destroying his life.

The only benefit for a forum w/Affair and Addictions would be to benefit from the experiences of others....see other's progress and maybe learn the major pitfalls of these combos. It definitely could NOT replace Alanon meetings.<p>I do connect more with those who have addiction issues combined with the A and I understand their advice best.<p>Honey, you got to work the Alanon program. It ROCKS!!!!! You cannot change H and the more you try, the more you push him away.<p>TW

thanks for the alanon advice.. due to my job comittments and 2 kids... I don't get to go to many meetings... but will make more effort.. thanks, H

HI TimJ!!!
Sounds like a good idea to me. I think there are a lot of us here that deal with addictions, and not necessarily just at home.
aloha, cl

Honey,<p>If your serious about dealing with your situation, you need to make meeting attendance a priority. If you don't, it won't be and you won't go and you won't grow. <p>Hang in there and take care of yourself.