BS's, did you have to "let your WS go" before they came back? What did you do? Tell me your stories. WS's, feel free to jump in.<p>sad dad

On the verge of D #1:<p>His first bomb was telling me that as soon as he could get an apartment, he was moving out. My immediate response was, Do you want a divorce? His response was to go into a diatribe about all my faults. My continued response was, Do you want a divorce? To his continued hem-ing and haw-ing, I just kept saying, OK, so do you want a divorce? But apparently he wanted me to be the bad guy about everything.<p>Finally, I said, obviously this M is shattered at our feet. At that point, it is the time to decide, Do you pick up the pieces and try to put them back together or do you get a D? I can't put the pieces back all by myself, so we either do it together or we get a D. He started in again on how awful I was, blah, blah, blah, so I said, Sounds like you want a divorce to me, so you've got it.<p>This was about 5 in the morning. I walked out, went straight to the phone and called the attorney I already had picked out and left a message that I needed an appointment immediately so I could get an order to get my H out of the house ASAP. Then, I called my closest relative to announce what I was doing, and it was during this conversation that my H came and found me and told me he wanted to work on the M.<p>On the verge of D #2:<p>Two weeks later, during which *I* was the only one working on the M and he still hadn't confessed to his A, he announces he is "going away for a few days" because "I'm not where you need me to be." Me: "All I need from you right now is honesty." Then, he leaves with $300-400 in his wallet while I'm telling him that the checking account is overdrawn and I have no money (I also had no job at that time), so I knew everything I needed to know if he could leave me and the kids without leaving me any of that $.<p>In the next three days, I had seen the attorney, gotten my job back that I had left a year earlier, and had a realtor scheduled to come look at the house. On the fourth day, I left H a good-bye letter with my wedding rings enclosed (that letter is posted on this board somewhere). The next day he called me and wanted "to talk". I put him off because of my appointment with the realtor and plans with friends for the evening and told him I wouldn't be available until late that Saturday night, but said I'd call him back when I got home.<p>We talked all night about how he wanted to come home and work on the M and finally he confessed to the A, so that was D-day.<p>On the verge of D #3:<p>Despite my having spelled out for him on D-day what was necessary for recovery, especially complete disclosure about everything to do with the A and no contact and his promise to do "anything" to rebuild the M, I continued to discover contact, and he continued to lie or say "I don't know" or "I can't remember" in response to my requests for details about the A. He also continued to avoid the extraordinary precautions.<p>Finally, I'd had enough and asked him to move out in January--told him my broken heart was continuing to hemorrhage with him in my life and not doing the things I needed to recover from his A. That I needed to heal, and if the only way I could do that was with him OUTSIDE of my heart, then that is exactly what I would do. I told him I was getting on the road to recovery, either with him or without him, but I was moving on.<p>He refused to move out. I told him I would get a court order for him to vacate, and I started filling out the court papers. I was about halfway through when he asked me to go to work with him the next day so I could share the MB plan of recovery with him and said he wanted to keep trying. I told him I would not come out of my fortress until it was safe to do so.<p>He has been respectful to me since then and I don't believe there's been any contact with OW since then. He's made positive changes in his behavior towards me, yet he still isn't doing the hard work of processing the A and answering all my questions. I'll probably last longer this time, but it wouldn't surprise me if I got to the end of my rope again if he continues to avoid the hard stuff.<p>The only thing I can say is that there is no point to letting go unless that is exactly what you want to do and know you will follow through no matter what.<p>[ March 31, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

conqueror,<p>The reason I asked is because it is 5+ months since she filed for D, and absolutely nothing has changed. She has not taken one step towards the D.
I'm finally at the point where I want to sell the house and take the first step towards moving on.
This is something she's mentioned several times, but I wasn't ready. I'm finally ready to do it and I brought the subject up last weekend. She said OK (she was walking out of the house so we couldn't talk about it then). She hasn't mentioned it since, but I plan to. This isn't what I want, but it's a necessary step. I can't continue to live in limbo.<p>sad dad

I probably should have titled my vignettes "on the verge of separation" because I wasn't really ready for D, at least as far as filing for it, but I was ready to file for legal separation, which is available in my state, and if things didn't change within a reasonable length of time (Harley's 18-month Plan B sounds right to me), then I would have gone ahead and filed for D.<p>Have you counterfiled? Has there been a hearing? Why is it just sitting there for 5 months with no activity?<p>The only thing I know from my two marital experiences is that you know when you've reached certain limits of your endurance. I had the same experience in my first M. I reached a point where I could no longer stand being treated the way I was and forced my H to decide between being married and being single. He got an apartment that day, and I retained an attorney. I filed for legal separation so I and the children would be protected finanacially, but it took three more months before I knew I was ready for D and changed my petition to the court.<p>The best thing you can do is tune in to exactly where you are in relation to your limits, your boundaries. I know it doesn't sound helpful sometimes, but it really is true: You will definitely know you're there when you're there. You know beyond a doubt that you have turned a corner, and you are not going to go back. And only you can know when that has happened and you're there.

conquerer,<p>"Have you counterfiled?" <p>Yes, on the grounds of adultery/mental cruelty<p>"Has there been a hearing?" <p>No. <p>"Why is it just sitting there for 5 months with no activity?" <p>On my part, because this isn't what I want and I'm waiting it out. On her part, I have no idea.
The only thing I've done legally was WS's/OM's pkone records subpeonaed. The only thing her lawyer has done was file paperwork for a custody mediation date.<p>sad dad

I hope you don't mind me jumping in the middle of this thread...but I thought I might add my experience for you.<p>My wife has said many times she doesn't want to be married and the only way I'll get it through my "thick skull" is for her to file for divorce. Needless to say, she hasn't filed yet. She moved in with her parents in January but only slept there. Spring Break ends today and she has been off all week (pre-school teacher) with the kids so they have spent a lot of time over there as well. They didn't really spend time at our house when she was watching them. I took time off last week to spend with them.<p>Anyway, I got to the point in February that since she wasn't living in the house and kept saying she didn't want to be married, then why keep the house? I love the house but it's not home without her living here. I called a realtor with her approval of him, and we listed the house first of March. I thought we would have an offer by now but since we don't, things in our situation haven't changed much. She was at first sad about the house because she felt guilty and wanted me to keep the house. The sad fact is, neither one of us can afford it on our own.<p>Once we sell, we can pay off all our debt and start over in a new life with a new focus on spending time as a family and not worrying about bills. That is my plan. I plan on getting another place and she will move in totally with her parents. I don't think she will like it too much because it will be difficult to continue A with her mom "on her case" all the time. At least it's her mom lovebusting and not me about what her daughter is doing. I think my wife is totally caught up in the A and truly believes OM is her soulmate. Until she gets out of the fog, I am sitting back and taking care of myself and boys. I'm very lonely and need the things I should be doing with my wife, but I'm becoming stronger and more aware of what to avoid in the future.<p>Today, Easter, is very hard because it is the first big family get together with all her extended family that I am not attending. I did an easter egg hunt with the boys here at our house and then went to church. Then I dropped them off at her parents for the easter brunch and egg hunt. I want to be a part of it but I'm in plan B and hurt too much inside to participate. Her OM is enjoying spring break and Easter with his family on a trip out of state. My wife and I have the loneliness in common, however hers is voluntary.<p>I don't know if I answered you questions, but my wife has left our house and we are selling it too. I will keep posting to see if my plan is working.<p>Good luck to you Sad Dad.

When I found out about my WS' internet EA with his old girlfriend, I just told him our marriage was over. End of story. I called the realtor the next day and told her to get over here to get my house on the market, that we were divorcing. I then made arrangements to move to San Antonio and work for another company that my sister operates. I was done. I had only been married for 4 months and I had no intention of living with a man with low character.<p>Then, 3 days after D-Day he begged me to stay. I agreed to give it a try if we went into counseling. My goal was to go to a few counseling sessions so that I could dump him after saying that I had "tried" to save the marriage. <p>Somehow, over the next few months I started falling back in love with him after he proved himself to me and showed me that he wasn't really a scumball, but a changed man. We are now blissfully happy and I am glad that I gave him a second chance.

sad dad~<p>Yes I let my FWS go. In my heart and mind, I too was finished. That was 19 months ago - 2nd d-day. <p>I caught him the FOW at my home at lunch. Something no one should ever see. Anyhow, I let him go then to do whatever he needed in his life. I knew then I no longer wanted the person he become and was. I gave him my wedding rings to him with the FOW at our home.<p>Move to 19 months forward. What a difference time really has made. He was getting to a point the fog was lifting and he was almost finished with the FOW. <p>We are in true recovery now and things are so much better. I left for awhile on 2nd d-day.<p>To my surprise he really wanted our marriage. I become a better person because of plan a. Plus he also knew I no longer needed him, but I wanted him in my life but only as equals. <p>There has been many bumps in the road, but they are not as up and down. <p>bighope

Sad Dad,<p>I asked because usually once somebody files, there's a hearing scheduled, and then at each hearing the next one is scheduled, and usually the first hearing is fairly soon after filing. As long as you're comfortable maintaining a defensive posture, continue that, and just respond to whatever forays she makes. Sounds like you have let her go. In my cases, it got to a point where I felt I had to shove them away to get any relief from the situation. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

I too am one of the BS's who let my FWS 'go' and that brought him back to our M.<p>My H was being the oh-so-typical fence sitter, and I was growing tired of it. I knew I had to move to plan B for a long time, but I just wasn't ready for it inside (seeing you're in plan B now, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about).<p>The time finally came when I was ready for plan B. I didn't pull the 'surprise' tactic on my H, because of visitations with the boys, but it was still going to happen. I told him about it the day before I started it, and I had been explaining plans A and B to him over the course of a couple of months too.<p>My very first day in plan B was all it took for my H. He obviously KNEW I had had enough of his [censored], and hopped onto my side of the fence that night.<p>Hmmm... rereading that makes it sound so simple, huh? There are other forces that were at work that day too though. One, it was a visitation day with our (at the time) 2 yr old (and part of my plan B was NO visitation in MY house), two, it was raining all day, and H was forced to bring our son to his apt for the day, three, H had no money to do anything with our son, and four, every other visitation day at that point had involved ALL of us, together, doing 'family' things. <p>Also, in our situation, there wasn't just one OP, but at least 3. So there wasn't as much of a strong tie to break with any one of them. That's probably the biggest factor of all.<p>Karen

Yes, I had to completely let go before he came back.<p>I filed for divorce, he never responded to my papers, never hired a lawyer, and then the night before our "default" hearing, he came and asked me to take him back - and from that day forward he did a 180 when it came to proving to me his affair was over and that he was 100% committed to us.

Even when my H had given up OW he still maintained that he wasn't certain he wanted to stay married. He felt we needed to separate so he could figure it out, only he never made a move in that direction.When I couldn't stand his indecision anymore and told him he needed to go, about a month after d-day he moved out. We each continued in individual counseling. He was gone a little more than 2 months.<p>Our separation was a very good thing for our marriage. I went about acting " as if" we would be divorcing. All along I hoped for reconciliation, told H that was what I desired but went about acting like he would chose divorce.<p>I am very assured now that we won't go through this trauma again for he knows first hand what it's like to be without his wife and his family. That I let him go, he was set free and that he chose me and his family of his own accord is a very comforting feeling. I'm assured now that he's here because he wants to be, not because of any guilt or sense of obligation or pressure.<p>Sure, it's a scary thing to let them go not knowing what they will chose.However, I think it's scarier to see them stay half-heartedly and always wonder if they'll end up straying again somewhere down the road.

Thanks for all your replies. In spite of being so adamant about wanting a D, she has taken no steps in that regard. I think counterfiling may have spooked her. I have recently decided it's time to sell the house. Continuing to live like this is not healthy. We talked about it last night and I'm going to get the ball rolling. Topie, I am not in plan B. I'm not sure if OM is still in the picture or not. I'll probably just act "as if" about it and continue to detach, unless I find out OM is still in the picture.<p>Thanks again, I'm more sure than ever that selling the house is the right thing to do. Give her the freedom she wants and let her go. You know the old saying, be careful what you wish for, you might get it.<p>sad dad

sad dad, I also let my H go after he'd been gone for 15 months, more or less living with OW, but seeing or talking to me almost daily. <p>I originally filed for D 7/01 after very brief reconciliation when he threw me and kids out of the house and moved OW in. I got the house and he and OW were evicted. He said he didn't want D, we went to MC, and he lied that he wasn't seeing OW, just didn't want to move back home before we'd resolved issues. <p>After several new discoveries, I finally gave him an ultimatum: sobriety and end A or divorce. Well, he chose OW and disappeared. I have barely heard from him since we saw lawyer together 2 weeks ago. I couldn't go on the way it was, but realizing this is the end is really crushing.