I can't stop crying. I really feel my marriage is over and it hurts like hell. I love him so much and look what he does to me. 1 day after I agree to take him home he spends a whole night with the OW.<p>she's won my husband and will take away the father to my children.<p>He still lives here, we even made love last night, and then he calls her today and says he misses her. GOd, this hurts so bad. <p>I don't know what to do to save my marriage and family? It all seems so hopeless. The writing is on the wall.

Hi Hopeful,<p>Please try and calm yourself, and breath Honey.<p>There is no such "writing on the wall", your H is clearly torn. Your situation is far from ended. He's on the fence and eating mounds of cake.<p>I'm so sorry, hurts like hell to be so close and intimate then have him call her and say such things. <p>I assume you're in Plan A. The best thing you can do to save your family and marriage is get strong and take care of you. The A will eminently end and you will need to be strong and the best you can be when your H looks your way again.<p>It's very wrong what he's doing, it's selfish and beyond cruel. I believe he has come home too soon. The A obviously hasn't run it's course, I fear if he stays without committing to Harley's four rules for recovery that you will lose all love for him eventually. He's breaking the rule of protection by continued contact with her, his withdrawal from the addiction is pulling him back there.<p>Are you taking anti-deps, Hon?<p>Jo

I don't where you are in this and whether you've already tried Plan A. Sounds like Plan B is in order though - even if you want him to come back. You shouldn't let him keep hurting you. It's your choice. Sounds like he needs to be forced to make a choice and needs to know that this is unnacceptable to you. Maybe the A just needs to be given a chance to die a natural death... You already know that, it's just not easy right? There is no way around the pain. You just have to go through it and try to protect yourself as best you can while doing the right thing.

i kicked him out for 5 weeks, he told me the A was ended and I waited then let him move back in. I want to mention I have a 3 month old baby and a toddler -23 months and I am doing everything for them! they need a Daddy and unfortunately I love him too damn much, that's why it hurts so much.<p>Maybe I haven't done plan a right -what should I be doing if he continues to live here?

Hopeful,<p>When you say "maybe I didn't do Plan A right", what do you mean?<p>Basically, Plan A is for you, for you to change the bahavior that contributed to the dischord in the marriage, that and simply being nice to your H during his affair, no LBs. If you have made those changes and have not been LBing your H, then you have done Plan A right.<p>When you two agreed to recovery did you lay out what you needed in order to recover? Did you tell your H about the 4 Rules, and did he agree to them?<p>Jo

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Hopefulandsad:
what should I be doing if he continues to live here?<hr></blockquote><p>You need to tell him, in a calm loving manner, that his continued contact hurts and disappoints you. YOUR BOUNDARIES. Use the "I Feel" statements.<p>Regardless if he stays or you two separate again, you have to do your best not to LB. Ughhh, so very hard, I know.<p>Print Harley's "4 Rules" from this Website and read them. Then when the time is right, ask your H to sit down with you and discuss what you and he needs to recover and build this new marriage. Bring up the 4 Rules and see if he understands why they are necessary. <p>Since he is still in contact, I would venture to guess he is still pretty fogged. He may not get any of this right now. <p>You may need to explore the possibility that he came home too soon. I could be wrong, it's just my humble opinion. <p>Jo

i'm brain dead today was is LB?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Hopefulandsad:
i'm brain dead today was is LB?<hr></blockquote><p>I'm not sure what you mean by the above, Hopeful. But I want you to know you're not alone. I know what you're going thru. I'm just so sorry. Wish your H would get a clue.<p>Jo

Dear Hopefulandsad, <p>This is too much for 1 person. You have little ones depending on you and an H that is out of control. On Monday, call your MC and doctor. See how both can help U. <p>When you are feeling your strength return, read the book, love must be tough by Dr Dobson. Read up on plan B. <p>Whether your H realizes it or not, he is emotionally abusing you and your M. Yes, he may be confused himself but he does not have to take you on that ride with him and now you can refuse to participate. <p>What does that mean? Well, you learned about setting your boundaries. Do so. Immediately. Get your support group right around you to protect U. Have a friend or relative come and stay if you can while your H goes out there and fixes his confusion himself. Again do this under advice from your MC, Steve or Jennifer. <p>Anxiety attacks will happen more often right now. You are very vulnerable to these emotional swings. Having little ones in your care doesn't make it eaiser but they can also be your source of comfort. Love and hug those babies. They are what you and your H have that he and OW does not. <p>You have good MBers here supporting you. Let us know what U need. <p>L.

LB = love busting<p>Give him the impression you have given up, but don't rant and scream about it. If he asks why you are so calm, tell him you are not risking your health for him!

how can I save my marriage? I feel like it's out of my hands and he is still in contact with the OW. The pain in unbearable.

I'm not sure how to tell you to necessarily save your marriage, no one can tell you that. I don't believe your H is thinking about what he is going to do with such a young girl. Their differences should become blaring once he is around her more. I have followed your story, and thought things were going well when he was moving back in recently. I don't think you should have let him go somewhere the first night, I don't care what he had tickets to or whatever. His [censored] should have stayed at home. He shouldn't be going ANYWHERE with out you and the kids. He has not proven himself worthy of one ounce of trust. But, then again, do you want to live with that feeling the rest of your life?<p>It is really your decision... <p>I was the one who cheated in my marriage, but I did not put my H thru this, I was remorseful and never left him or gave him any impression there was a choice to be made.

dear hopeful-imho you should not be trying to save your marriage right this second-i think you are too weak with all the emotions going on right now and just after giving birth. i think you should be trying to save yourself. if you are not strong enough mentally and physically you are not going to be good at saving anything. you need your strength for your children right now-do whatever you have to to protect yourself and start getting yourself stronger. it takes time. i always hated that statement-i wanted fixes right now also. it doesnt work that way unfortunately. work on yourself and stop trying to rescue the relationship-he's not ready. plus you cannot change him-he has to do that himself.<p>my thoughts and prayers for your strength.

how long does it take for the affair to burn out? I've known about it for 3 months, he was kicked out for 5 weeks and begged to come home. Now he's home and has already screwed up. Do I kick him back out or do I try to play nice wife and work with him in therapy?

Hopeful:
This time in your life is not easy! He is asking you what you are made of! Are you made of JELLO? Do you give in when he pushes the boundaries? It is sad when one adult pushes the other spouse to check and see what the marriage boundaries are really made of!<p>Be assured that he is in the FOG! He has all of the feelings to deal with as well as the guilt of what he is doing and is it really the right thing to do?? What will the family think? Church? Friends? Is it really greener on the other side? Let him make the choice and be truly responsible for those decisions. NOT easy!<p>Now for you. I know that this is not easy. You need to give your emotions time to work out so you can make rational decisions. This will take time; it took me at least two months before I could talk about the my H's EA without becoming teary eyed! You also need to allow your body to heal after just giving birth. I also had to learn how to let him go and make his choice. Love Must Be tough! I told him in a calm and loving manner that I could not continue in a marriage with the OP still in the picture. It was a LB beyond words! I had to let go and allow my husband the freedom to make a choice to make a great marriage or to separate or .... Not easy!<p>God Bless! I know that you will find the strength to get through this, not around it. You will go through a learning curve that will encompass you, your H, your marriage, your family of origin and your children as well. This is a good thing and can be the catalyst for change regardless of the final outcome.<p>From the ashes,
FenixWife
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