I haven't been on these boards to know ones situation too well. In letting H go, how did you maintain yourself? Was your marriage in denial, anger, or what when you let him go? I read the other thread about letting WS go, and you said you did, and had hopes of reconcillation, and H did 180 degree turn. How did it feel for you to think or want reconcillation, and to let your feelings go for your H?<p>I guess I would like help in letting H go, and knowing that I can cope with whatever happens. I do love my WH, and it triggers a response in me to hear his voice. I trusted this man our whole marriage, I wanted to grow old with him, and I wanted to have a happy marriage. I still believe we could, talking to Steve he believes we could, and reading the Passionate Marriage, we could. But SNL doesn't seem to want the marriage. Stating fitting. I have read in the Passionage Marriage book about fitting. WS uses fitting quite a bit, and there is no such thing as fitting. I haven't read but 100 pages of the book. It is a fantasy, that one will not beable to find this perfect person. And if they think they have this perfect person, they will shortly find out there is quite a bit of not fitting. One really doesn't know another until they live with that person, and has all the trials of marriage, money, etc. with that person.<p>Just wondering if you have the time to answer my questions?

I'll bump this up
cause I also want to know the answer in spite of the fact I have no more chances with my ex, but I realy need to know how in the Earth to let him go
BR thak you
Please help us
Thinker, I ma with you if it means anything to you

The point that Dr. Schnarch makes is that marriage is all about NOT fitting. We are not supposed to fit. The entire purpose of M is to provide the abrasive necessary to smooth out each other's rough places so that eventually we will reach true intimacy.<p>He explains very well that the supposed "fit" that we have in the early stages of a R are the adaptations and molding that we unconsciously do to maintain that fit and closeness, but because M is designed to do so, you eventually reach a point where you have to face your separateness and difference and learn to hold onto yourself instead of being emotional Siamese twins.<p>Hopefully BR will have much more wisdom to offer on the letting go. I found that it wasn't even an effort for me. My H just LB'ed me so much that it just followed naturally. I didn't want to call him or see him because it was just too painful to do so.

Hi Thinker ~ I just want to let you know that I saw your post. It's late here, and I have to finish up some of my freelance web work before I go to bed. In addition to my freelance stuff, and the new business my H and I just started, I just started a new job and I'm very busy, but I'll try to get on here and respond tomorrow night.

thinker:<p>I've followed yours and snl's story for awhile. I have been divorced for almost seven months now and I asked the same question since dday which will be two years on April 5. <p>The only advice I have to give is to stay away from him. "Seeing and talking" to him via MB doesn't help at all I don't think. Time with no contact was the greatest healer. SNL has his on thought processes that will always justify (in his mind) the affair and ending your marriage. That's the hard part, that you don't really have a choice to end your marriage when they make that decision. I really struggled with finally giving up and realizing that my marriage was OVER. <p>Regaining your self-esteem takes time and patience on your part -that was the biggest key for me - to realize that I didn't deserve any of this and I did nothing wrong (as far as the affair was concerned). Once I realized that I was okay, others did too....<p>Good luck to you. My heart breaks for you as I know exactly how you feel and it stinks, BUT it does get better. And who knows, you may find yourself happier one day, I have!<p>Ashley

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Trapped Mom:
<strong>thinker:<p>I've followed yours and snl's story for awhile. I have been divorced for almost seven months now and I asked the same question since dday which will be two years on April 5. <p>The only advice I have to give is to stay away from him. "Seeing and talking" to him via MB doesn't help at all I don't think. Time with no contact was the greatest healer. SNL has his on thought processes that will always justify (in his mind) the affair and ending your marriage. That's the hard part, that you don't really have a choice to end your marriage when they make that decision. I really struggled with finally giving up and realizing that my marriage was OVER. <p>Regaining your self-esteem takes time and patience on your part -that was the biggest key for me - to realize that I didn't deserve any of this and I did nothing wrong (as far as the affair was concerned). Once I realized that I was okay, others did too....<p>Good luck to you. My heart breaks for you as I know exactly how you feel and it stinks, BUT it does get better. And who knows, you may find yourself happier one day, I have!<p>Ashley</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thinker,<p>I wanted to echo what Ashley wrote. Like you (compared to my STBX, SnL worked hard at least he talked with Steve Harley, my STBX saw a counselor less than 5 times) & her, my STBX never really wanted to work on our marriage. Many of our problems that led to his A where my fault, & I tried to work on those issues but he never noticed. Some maybe I didn't work on enough but if he had noticed I would had more.<p>but my point this time last yr. I was a wreck, after 2 yrs of living in limbo wondering if he was with her, or when the other shoe would drop, I couldn't take much more. There is lots more to my story but it is too long to go into.<p>I knew that one of us would end it in the next few months and you know I let my STBX I would do anything if he wanted to work on our marriage. He chose to end our marriage & went to live with the OW.<p>But every since then I have been at peace. I don't agree with his decesion, I still & will always believe that we could have rebuilt our marriage if he had just tried.<p>But I am happy now, I have been sad, I am sad for our family but my sons & I are all happier and more at peace than we have been at any time in the last 3 yrs.<p>YOur life can & will get better without the day to day contact with SnL, once ya'll get your business life fixed.<p>My STBX visits our sons wkly in my home, sometimes I am here, often I am not. I have found that the less I have to do with him the happier & more at peace I am.<p>I hope you find peace, it is unrated.<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: sing ]</p>

Hi Thinker,<p>I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to this thread. I fell asleep last night at 7:30, this new schedule is just killing me.<p>Anyway.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>In letting H go, how did you maintain yourself? Was your marriage in denial, anger, or what when you let him go?<hr></blockquote><p>My marriage was a mess when I let him go. <p>A brief history: My H started his EA in Nov 99. I asked him to move out and he did in March 2000. At the time, I suspected an A which was just the last straw in a marriage that was completely utterly dysfunctional and had been for its entire 10 years.<p>His PA started when he moved out. I discovered I was pregnant 2 weeks later. (Our other children were 7 and 9)<p>His affair continued on and off (mostly on) until Dec 2000 when he asked me for another chance. Contact with the OW ended then. We immediately started counseling with Steve Harley. It didn't go well. He refused to do the homework, refused to schedule the appointments...started talking about "trying to see if we wanted to try" instead of the "I want to be married" thing he initially said. I uncovered the fact that he was still dating - he had several online ads, and was dating women through it. Steve Harley told me to go to Plan B and divorce. I did the divorce, but not the Plan B, because I was at peace with my decision to divorce, and I knew I needed to get along with him regarding the kids. I had several major areas of concern that required my contact that I won't go into publically but it was serious.<p>So, I got my H served, I did a plan A of sorts with some very strict boundaries and got on with my life.<p>Four months later, the night before our first court date, my H said he wanted to move home and he came to me with a plan for what he was gonig to do to prove to me that he was serious this time. And then he kept his word. We are now 9-10 months into recovery and doing OK.<p>So, how did I do this?<p>Acceptance and detachment.<p>2 simple words that are oh so hard to practice.<p>Acceptance meant that I accepted the reality of who my H was. He was someone who was destructive to me, and he was not the husband that I needed in my life. And rather than sit around hoping and waiting for him to be that person, I accepted that for today, this was who he was. <p>Did I like who he was? Nope. Did I like my situation? Absolutely not. Did I desire a divorce? No.<p>But my husband was not who I wanted him to be, he was who he was. And so I had to make my life decisions based on that fact. The fact was that my H, as he was, was not someone that I wanted in my life. I did very much want who I thought he could be. I still loved him very much. But, I had also learned to love myself and I no longer could tolerate someone so destructive in my life.<p>Acceptance just means acknowledging reality. Nothing else. I certainly don't have to like it.<p>Here's a link for more on this:<p>BrambleRose I need help with acceptance<p>Detachment - I think detachment is really what you have to practice while working on acceptance.<p>Here's a link on that:
Detachment with Love<p>Detachment just means that you step back from the other person, and put the focus on you. It also doesn't mean that you have to stop loving, or stop being kind. It just means you get those boundaries up with some healthy distance from the other person's dysfunction.<p>I hope this helps!!!