Well I am hanging up my gloves and throwing in my towel. I have danced the dance. I have run the marathon. I have gone toe to toe and went the distance. I have fought the battle but the battle won’t go away. I have been Plan A’ing for the past five months. It is now time for me to move to Plan B, C, D, E, or whatever. It is time for me to go onto something different in my life and to move forward. It is time for the dance to change from the same old beat.
The few conversations that I have had with my wife (WS) she has repeated the same thing. She tells me she is 99.9% sure that she wants our marriage to end. She states the only reason she is still under the same roof but in a separate bedroom is that she is trying to make this easier on me. She is hoping that I will understand her and that I will be just ok with it. I have heard this same thing for the past few weeks. She has stated several times she knows what she wants. I am tired of hearing her say what she has to say. I am tired of being treated like just a pal instead of a husband. I am tired and can’t take it any more.
There is no more teasing myself that this is going to work. I haven’t seen any signs in the past five months and I keep getting the same speech from her. So it is time to throw in my towel and prepare to move on to the next step. I am at the point that I have no desires to see my wife or talk to my wife. I have fought a mean battle but we all know when it comes time to call it quits. If calling it quits makes me a less of man then so be it. I can’t take the way she treats me any more.
At this point I am not sure if I should plan B or just file for divorce. My wife has stated several times that she is almost 100% sure that this is what she wants with ending the marriage. That she wants to end the marriage and get a divorce. I don’t even hear I need time to think any more. She says she is here to make it easier on me. Well thanks but no thanks it isn’t make anything easier.
Any words of advice or wisdom from anyone on my current situation? I have to prepare myself to either ask her to leave or for me to file. The choices have come down to this and I have to make a move or this will just go on forever. I just can’t keep living life this way because there is more to life then this….

Hi C_G,<p>Knowing your story a bit, IMO FWIW, I don't think your WW really wants a D deep down. Her excuses about wanting to make it easier on you is CLEARLY fog talk - I mean, if she really wanted to make it easier on you, she wouldn't be doing what she's doing, right?<p>So I honestly think you have a chance to save your M, if you want to. And if you do, I'd wholeheartedly recommend Plan B. If she's not making immediate moves to move out, you doing so would definitely shake her world... just a thought.<p>Don't keep going too long, losing too much love for her. You might as well try Plan B at least... what do you have to lose? You'd end up divorced anyway, if it fails. And by doing it, you at least let her know that SHE was in fact the one who chose the final path, because you were still willing to try, even in the face of separation.<p>I know D feels like the best option today, but Plan B gives you most of the same benefits... you get time to get adjusted to what it would feel like, start working on a new life, etc.<p>Just something to consider.

Confused, <p>I am in a very similar situation right now. I just moved to Plan B last week after talking to Steve H. Things had started looking up for WH and I after spending time together for the last four months. But last Saturday, out of the blue, he decided that he was not sure he could change. Well, I basically told him to stay away unless he was coming with divorce papers or to work on the marriage with her completely out of the picture. On Thursday I had a session with Steve and he told me that unless there was something that I wanted to do with my life in the next six months that I needed to be single to do that Plan B was my best option. I am not convinced that Plan B will do anything for the marriage, but it will do plenty for me. I am using this time for me. I sent the letter following my session and I am working on me.<p>I did a poor Plan A for two months following D-day after which Steve told me that Plan B was necessary for my emotional well being. This past week I took an honest look at my Plan B efforts from last May until Nov. and I realize that I did a poor job there as well. Steve asked me how long I stayed with no contact with WH. The one thing I did do was write down every contact with WH over the past year. When I looked back at the time I was supposedly in Plan B I realize I failed at that too. I went into Plan B 5/19/2001. WH called 6/6 and told me he was filing. I called him 7/29 to tell him I was tired of waiting for him to file that I would do it. He talked me into letting him file. From the end of July until the middle of November when we decided to spend time together to see how we felt about each other he called nearly 20 times and I saw him to talk three times. Not the best Plan B in history. So in the first 8 months following D-day I managed to pull off the worlds worst Plan A and Plan B. <p>From November 19 - March 22 I worked my butt off in Plan A. I did what I should have done a year ago but was too weak to do it. I know that I did a good job in Plan A the second time around and my WH noticed all the changes. Now I am in Plan B for the second time and I plan on doing it right this time. It has been 9 days since I have had contact with WH and I have not been tempted to pick up the phone once. I know that the only chance my marriage has to recover is if I stick to it this time and let him see what it is like to not have me around. <p>I think that is what you WW needs. Let her see what life is like without you. Let her see what she is losing. One thing that is for certain, both of our WSs have had the opportunity to file and neither have done so. And noone will ever convince me that they are not filing to make things easier on us. I have heard the same stories, but I don't buy them. These are people that if they were really concern about us would stop what they are doing and work on the marriage.
If you decide to go to Plan B, please make sure you are ready. I was not ready the first time. I needed to hear my WH's voice. It was almost like an anti-depressant for me. Even if he was telling me that he didn't know what he wanted and that he thought he would file, I felt better just talking to him. Unfortunately, I think it made him feel better to talk to me too and it actually gave him the strength to continur in the A. <p>If our WSs had everything they wanted with these OP they would have filed immediately and be married to the OP. We don't have kids either, so there is something keeping him from filing and it is not to make things easier on me.<p>Hang in there and I will keep you in my prayers. Sorry this was so long. I just hope that it shows you the importance of sticking to a Plan when you decide on one. I may have been spared many months of additional pain if I had just stayed in Plan B until he was ready to end things.

Like everyone said if I go with Plan B I have to do it right. The problem is the shared banking account. Some how, some way it would have to be worked out so that I wouldn't have to contact my wife for any financial talk due to the house or whatever. Plus both of our paychecks from work go into the same account. I want to go to Plan B but I want to do it right. I don't want to start Plan B but then have to talk to my wife for some reason due to money.
I would like to see my wife move out and live on her own. I wouldn't want her to have life easy by her moving in with one of her friends. But then again I don't control her so she can do whatever.
I am not sure when is a good time to drop the Plan B on her but I have to plan and figure this out. We are suppose to meet with the counselor again in about three weeks. I am thinking that is when I will tell her that about Plan B.
While I need to vent she can go move in with her looser friends who hid the OM from our marriage. And my wife wonders why I told her that her friends are no good for me and the marriage...

Confused_guy,<p>I know exactly where you&#8217;re coming from. I feel like you&#8217;re writing my situation.<p>It&#8217;s been 8 months of hell for me, but only three months of Plan A, because I only found this site in December. I&#8217;ve been superman since December, meeting as many ENs as possible, with almost no LBs. During this weekend my WW and I had many talks about our relationship, and where it&#8217;s going. She hasn&#8217;t moved one inch regarding reconciling our marriage since we first begun. She is convinced the grass is greener elsewhere. She feels exactly like your W&#8230;Separation or divorce is the only solution. Tonight when I get home she&#8217;s going to let me know if she&#8217;s leaving, and whether or not we&#8217;re separating or divorcing. If she does, which is highly likely ,I hope I&#8217;ve Plan A'ed long enough for her to see a change in me? She&#8217;s completely fogged right now, which I find confusing, since I sure she&#8217;s had no contact with the OM since last August?<p>My current thoughts&#8230;I&#8217;m devastated. I&#8217;d hoped we could restore our marriage and love without Plan B, but that&#8217;s life. I think she needs the realization of life without me for her to appreciate me, so Plan B it is. Essentially, I&#8217;m giving up, but hoping the fog clears and the light turns on? I&#8217;m not going to be around her experiencing her rejection and she gets to test life without me. Let&#8217;s see if it&#8217;s as good as she thinks? I may be wrong, but I believe I meet a lot more of her needs than she realizes. Either way, we get off the merry-go-round. <p>Recommendation: Don&#8217;t totally give up hope yet. Leave a crack in the door for you guys to get back together and try again. She&#8217;s had it good with your toleration up to now. It&#8217;s now time for her to see what she&#8217;ll be missing. You&#8217;ve come so far. Don&#8217;t give up without giving Plan B a shot.<p>God Bless,
L&F

Plan B will lay the foundation for D if that is where it ends up needing to go. It gives you that very important transition time.<p>Part of Plan B can be the separating of finances as well as separate living arrangements.

Same situation for me... did Plan A since November 2001, just switched to Plan B after a session with
Jenn Harley, my suggestion is to give Plan B a chance. Let the WS know what life is without you... as far as contact, avoid as much as possible, try to use e-mail where you have to have contact regarding children or banking..
Good luck, this is tough....
Dave

Confused, your situation is very similar to mine and can relate totally to how you feel. Plan B is tough but it is the only way to end the "doormat" feeling you've got from your wife's behavior. If she wants the divorce so bad, then let her file. If you want to save your marriage then you need to be strong and plan B it for a while. My wife moved in with her parents and we share financial obligations still. This isn't the best situation but I can't afford to just cut her off and cover our debt load myself. I try not to talk or see her unless necessary. It is very hard with the kids too but I figure I am becoming a better dad everyday and know that I can handle taking care of them by myself if it comes to that. They live with me and I have adjusted my life to make sure they are taken care of properly. She still wants some of me and some of him and some of her parents. For now, there won't be anymore of "me." Good luck and read several plan B letters before you write yours. I don't know the post, but there are several available here.

C_G,<p> I am sorry. You have fought a good fight. It is unfortunate that we can't make them make the right decisions. <p> I, too, would suggest Plan B. But then again I haven't gone that route myself so take that for what it's worth.<p> Know that you have friends here anytime you need to let off steam or just talk. <p> jd

Thanks for all the advice... My plan at this point is to keep doing what I have been doing (Plan A) until we both meet again with the counselor in three weeks. At that point I am going to hear what my wife (WS) has to say and if it isn't anything towards working on the marriage that is when I am going to implement Plan B.
In the mean time I am not going to be too nice but not going to be too mean either. At this point she already knows that I have worked on things she said I haven't done in the past and she knows I am willing to put in the effort to make the marriage work.
The hardest part is that my wife gave me some warnings and that is far as it went. We didn't do anything about it such as counseling or something else. Then she got involved with the OM and now she wants to call it quits with me. She forgot that middle process of trying to make the marriage to work. As far as I know she has had no contact with the OM or seen him since December.
Does it help if you sound a fog horn so she can find her way in the fog??

Update,<p>My wife informed me last night that she wants a separation. She&#8217;s moving into an apartment this coming weekend. She says she'll let me know if she wants a divorce in four weeks. Doesn&#8217;t know now, but feels she will in four weeks? Four weeks, how does anybody plan on figuring anything out is four weeks? I think she knows she wants the divorce already. <p>I feel she thinks she cannot live without the OM, but won&#8217;t admit it. She says it&#8217;s just about me...Yea right? My marriage is probably over, but Plan B it is&#8230;A good Plan B. I&#8217;m no longer the doormat. <p>She was all smiles yesterday evening&#8230;couldn&#8217;t be more pleased with herself. She has no idea how much it costs to live&#8230;Let&#8217;s see how see feels about this is a few months? There will be a significant impact on her standard of living...She just doesn't know it yet.<p>I&#8217;m not mad at her really, just disappointed and exhausted.<p>L&F

Here's a question for you...<p>...she gave you warnings. Why did it take an affair to make you finally listen?<p>I'm not trying to be harsh...but this is undoubtedly a question that she's been asking herself. What is your answer? If this isn't the case and you were *actively* listening (as in doing something about it) at the time then disregard the question.<p>
Ask her these questions...
1) If she could possibly be happy in a relationship with you, would she stay with you?
2) If she would stay in a happy relationship with you, then what is the point of going somewhere else before giving every effort to the relationship she's in now?<p>What would her answers be? Why not ask her?<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>

TowardsTheFuture...<p>Why did it take an affair to make you finally listen?<p>My wife told me she was just dealing with a lot and just wasn't a happy person. She even told me this has nothing to do with me when really it did. She just didn't want to say something to me. So I believe part is her fault and part mine. It takes two to tango. I should of listened more and at the same time I wish she would of opened up more. <p>I will be the first one to admit I have done a lot of things wrong in our relationship. One big problem is my wife and I got involved when we were so young (she 18, me 21). So we never really learned how to communicate with each other 100%. We were close but no cigar. I think before my wife was ready to walk away like she is now she should of openly spoke to me about it. Like you said if she is just going to look for this in another relationship why not try to make this one work and see how it is.
I have learned the following with the things she has said in the past five months.
- I need to be more spontaneous
- I need to listen more to how she feels on things even if I think they are not so real (such as her wanting to live in the Caribean and work in a bar)
- I need to plan further in advance on things such as B-day, etc...
- She also said she is more attracted to taller people but nothing I can do on that one....<p>I will ask her the two other questions you listed when we meet with the counselor in two weeks...