My H and I have been back together for about 6 months now and things were going along VERY well........for about 5 of them.<p>Now....well.....I'm not so sure.<p>It's almost as if my H is back in withdrawl. At least he has all the symptoms.<p>Less affection towards me.
He no longer offers to do things for me.
He doesn't spend time with JUST me unless he HAS to.<p>Since we've been back together he's spent 1 night with just me......that was on our 11th anniversary. He didn't even bother to buy me a card.....but said that he had something special planned.
That something special was dinner and a movie.<p>What's my problem with this?
Before he gave me my new wedding rings he said he had something special planned but that I would have to wait until we had the $ for him to implement it. I told him that I didn't need for him to spend alot of money....that we could just go out to dinner and go to a movie or something.
He said that THAT wasn't SPECIAL....we could do that anytime.<p>So....what does he do on our anniversary....he takes me to dinner and to a movie....that I didn't even want to see. When I asked him why he didn't buy me a card he said.....I thought that taking you out to dinner and a movie would be enough.<p>Here's another kiicker for ya.<p>I asked my H if we were going to spend the night in a hotel.....since his parents were watching our daughters and we happen to live with them.
He said no.....we didn't have that much money.
Ok...no big deal....we are always short on money.
I get on my computer the day after we went out for our anniversary and what do I find?<p>He didn't have the money to spend a night in a hotel with me.....but he had more than enough money to buy things online for his truck. The $ he spent was more than it would cost for a hotel room for one night with his wife.<p>How special does this make me feel?<p>Actually.....NOT SPECIAL AT ALL!<p>It makes me feel like he doesn't care at all is more like it.<p>Now....fast forward to today.<p>We have our youngesst daughters B-Day coming up next weekend......we also have a dentist appt and an eye specialist appt for our middle daughter coming up. We are already running short on $ this week with bills that still need paid.<p>My DH decided to buy a few more things online.....almost $100 worth.<p>Now I'm wondering exactly how I'm going to take my middle daughter to the dentis when I can't pay anything on her account.....and how to take her to her eye specialist appt when I don't have $ to pay on that either......add the stress of not knowing if I can even afford to buy anything for our youngest daughter for her B-day.<p>I don't like the way my H has been acting lately....and I've voiced it.<p>He NEVER comes home from work on time anymore.....says he's there talking to buddies. Granted he's usually only about 15 minutes late.....but he knows how this makes me feel. No phone calls and does nothing to change the situation.<p>He spends $ without telling me or even discussing it with me. I never know how much we have as he never even talks to me about what bills he's going to pay or isn't planning on paying. He usually discusses the $ with me after he's payed what he's decided to pay.<p>My self esteem has been low lately.....and my H has noticed.....yet he never makes one positive comment about me. He usually only has comments about something silly I've done.....the whole blonde thing. Nothing positive. That doesn't help me much.<p>According to my H I'M the one with the problem. It all goes back to me not being able to get over things in the past......which is NONSENSE. I'm not dealing with the past.....I'm dealing with the here and now....and his lack of intereset in this marriage so it seems.<p>I'm losing interest in this marriage myself....with the way my H treats me lately. It's almost as if he does and says things to intentionally hurt my feelings. He swears that he wants this marriage and that he wants to be with me.....but his words and his actions aren't supporting each other.<p>About the only time he wants to have anything to do with me is when he wants sex.....like I'm willing after he's pretty much ignored me all day and hasn't said anything but negative things about me.<p>I want my marriage to work.....but I don't see it happening if we keep talking and nothing is done about it.<p>I can talk and talk and talk......and in the end.....my H just makes it look like I have a problem and there is nothing HE can do about it. He's doing no wrong in his eyes.<p>Recovery is not as easy as it looks.

Hi- I could relate to how difficult recovery truly is. Have you been to counseling? My H kept trying to get out of going ( blamed the cost of it, how it doesnt really work etc) but I refused to let him weasel out of it. The first 6 mo into recovery we went to regular guy counselor and hashed out some long standing anger toward each other and the affair details. Now we have just switched to a Christian psychologist because I am wanting more of a healing aspect as I am less angry toward H now. However for 6 mo I went on a real anger bender often bringing up H's A which he NEVER wanted to discuss.( H is a major conflict avoider). Because of the kids I would bring it up on our dinners out together and that led to no good believe me. He would get defensive and clam up.I had to stop bringing it up so much and that's been hard for me. Also H began to revert to his pre-A way of talking to me- disrespectful, lecturing me,being controlling, etc. I got so fed up with it a month ago I took off my rings and said I dont feel married to him and was seriously thinking of living on my own.I went on a marital strike so to speak. Was cordial to him but didnt initiate dates or talks, wear my rings, refused to tell him I loved him when he said it to me, etc. That has seemed to make him wake up lately. He is starting to treat me more respectfully and I'm hoping it will continue. I read the book Boundaries in Marriage and learned to take a stand with him when he started to LB with me.recovery is way harder than I ever could have imagined. Good luck! lifeismessy

Miss Priss,
If you said dinner and a movie was something you'd like to do, and he did it for your anniversary, couldn't he possibly have been trying to please you?<p>One thing with recovery, the problems you had before the A are still problems and unless you made efforts in those particular areas, will continue to be problems.<p>You've talked about how he handles finances since I've been reading your posts. Affair recovery isn't going to change that.<p>When words & actions don't agree, believe the actions. Just check to make sure the actions are what are bothering you, & not your triggers.<p>Have you ever talked to your H about Policy of Joint Agreement? Because he's violating it all over with finances, his time, but if you don't have the agreement, it's a lot harder to point out that he isn't doing what he said he would.

lifeismessy,<p>I NEVER bring up the A anymore. That part is behind me and I don't worry about the OW or him with the OW any longer. Since it's almost impossible unless she is calling him at work or going up there to see him....which isn't possible without a million pairs of eyes watching them. I'm glad that she no longer works there and that they moved away.<p>I also need to learn to take a stand when my H starts to LB. I usually keep my mouth shut....which is unusual for me.....to avoid arguments. Not sure why since we rarewly ever really argue about anything. We've gotten so much better at discussing things rationally rather than getting mad and slinging profanities at each other.<p>Lor(Lor),<p>Very glad that you responded. You've made some very valid points that I didn't think of.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> If you said dinner and a movie was something you'd like to do, and he did it for your anniversary, couldn't he possibly have been trying to please you? <hr></blockquote><p>This is very true....that I did say that dinner and a movie was ok with me.
What upset me about it was that he informed me that he saw dinner and a movie as something we could do anytime....it was nothing special to him....yet it's what he planned for our anniversary.<p>Yes....it is possible that since I told him that would be fine with me that he did it to please me.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> When words & actions don't agree, believe the actions. Just check to make sure the actions are what are bothering you, & not your triggers. <hr></blockquote><p>This struck me a good one. Making sure that his actions are what is bothering me and not my triggers. I had to think about this for a minute....and now I have to admit that I think it IS more my triggers...which I thought most of were gone.....than my H's actions.<p>There is still affection from my H. More some days...less some days.....but then again he's been working 12 hour days. While the affection is till there there just isn't as much as I'm used to him dealing out. Which in turn makes me think....when the affection starts to dwindle.<p>Then there is also the fact that I have been pretty down lately....and he's the first to admit that he doesn't quite know what to do with me when I'm like this....so he tends to give me space....whether I really want it or not.<p>When we first got back together we AGREED that neither of us would make decisions about certain things without consulting the other. Things about money, bills and our children were the things we agreed on. I have held up my end of the bargain and he has not. He continues to break all the agreemants that we make. This bothers me the most.<p>Another thing that bothers me is that I've noticed lately that we have passing a certain house alot....on a street e don't normally take. This house happens to be the OW's parents house. In the last 2 months we've probably been by there 20 times or so. It is unusual for him to take this street as there are many other streets for him to take as a short cut. Not sure why....and I haven't asked him about it yet.
Not usre wether it's just a coincidence or that he thinks that he might see her there sometimes or what....but it bothers me.

Well, there could be two things going on.....one, he's going through a spell of depression. That can lead to thoughts again of an OP. Or two, he's actually started up again. If you two aren't counseling I would highly recommend it, and if he won't go, go without him. My sis in law whined for years that her husband wouldn't get a will set up for their kids...my girlfriend told her to set up the appointment, and tell him she's going to do it. Sure enough, he went. Duh. We're at about month 5 ourselves and I've noticed things are less "honeymoon" and more back to the way it was before. But, like you, I'm determined they aren't going to get bad again. The best thing you can do is talk to him about all this...but in a non-blame way. The deal with the money is pretty serious...and that's exactly how I get when I'm depressed. Good luck, I know how hard it can be!

Miss Priss,
What would happen if you said, "I dislike driving by the OW's parents house." It isn't a lovebuster, it isn't directing him to do anything. If he tells you you have to get over it, say "Anything to do with the OW is a reminder. It's a pretty simple request honey, what leads you to fight me on it?"<p>He might have a reason he's taking the route, he might be oblivious, he might indeed want to catch a glimpse of the OW, but that seems fairly pointless and very disrespectful with you in the car. <p>Getting through that first year of recovery I thought, was difficult. Because you don't know for sure the WS isn't in contact with the OP. I also found that I expected the adrenaline fight or flight rushes I had so frequently during the bad times that physically I felt weird. Having your life turn normal...seemed strange.<p>I think I'd be wary if my H was acting like yours. Can you talk to him about your anxiety? "I feel anxious, would you be willing to help me work through it? If you could [whatever] I think that would ease my mind." No blaming or past rehashing, and start with one or 2 things.<p>I hope he's just being a blockhead and not wayward.

hi again MP- I know how discouraging it feels to have both the affair recovery to work thru as well as building trust again- AND then still the issues that led up to the whole thing as well. It can feel overwhelming. My H kept making remarks that I was 'too depressed' and 'didnt have enough of a grip on my emotions' I actually got to the point a month ago where I told him he could either WORK on our issues from HIS side and genuinely HELP me recover- or we may as well separate so I can recover my emotional health and respect by myself. I didnt have the guts to tell him this until we started with a new counselor and I made it clear at our very first session. I am now finally starting to see some improvement in how he behaves and treats me. I think before the A and during it he was sure I would never have the fortitude and confidence to try to live on my own.But since the A I have changed! I know I can be happy with him or without him. Take care- LIM

Normality, after weeks and weeks of emotionalism, can be a scary thing. We are inching back to normality. One thing our counselor (a pastor) said, was that all marriages have problems above and beyond the A. Financial problems, etc. do not absolve just because you've recommitted to the marriage. Those have to be resolved through COMMUNICATION. If you have not opened the lines of communication to talk about normal every day marital problems, then you still have some work to do.
When I feel like my WH is backsliding on our recommittments to each other, I usually open the conversation by asking him how I'M doing on fulfilling HIS emotional needs. This gets the conversation started. If he seems noncommunicative or distracted, I save the conversation for later because I know I'll be expressing my feelings to a brick wall. If he's working his tail off and is exhausted at bedtime, and I'm sitting there talking about touchy feely stuff, I doubt he's going to put much into the conversation. His body language will probably be saying, "Shut up and turn the light off." <p>Maybe you need to set aside 30 minutes a day to talk about the "State of Your Marriage." If this is approached in a neutral way, and he wants to save the marriage, chances are he'll be agreeable. Explain to him that you are having some confusion about where your marriage is heading and instead of just talking about them "out of the blue", you'd rather have a quiet time where both of you are focused in order to work through them. Best of luck to you.

H and I have had similar money issues in our M. Pre d-day, I didn't know what money was coming in or going out from our house. I knew approximately how much money we would get in total every month, and I knew what things had to be paid for, but many things just didn't get paid for.<p>A lot of that was H getting all sorts of 'toys' for himself. Like your H with buying things for the car, my H likes anything electronic or computer oriented. Both 'hobbies' are rather expensive too.<p>So, part of our plan in recovery was to get all of that straightened out. I had done pretty good while on my own, and although some of the bills weren't totally caught up yet, they were almost there. And more importantly (to me), there was always money left over!<p>H and I have finally wised up to our actions of the past. We have a set budget that we adhere to as much as possible (keeping in mind that there are always the odd 'sudden' things that crop up - like getting a new muffler on the minivan). We know what money comes in and when. And we have made an actual schedule that allocates 'x' amount of $ to bills a,b,c, etc.<p>Most importantly, is that the bills are something we pay for [B]together[B/]. We have it all set up so that we can pay for all of our bills over the internet. If H does the bill paying online and I'm not around, he still needs to give me the payment reference # so that I can put it on our hard copy of the bill. And of course, the bank statements show it too. Is this something that might work for you and your H?<p>One of the areas we are having a problem with is an 'extra' category. Ideally, we want to pay our usual debts, and then have 'x' $'s at the end of each month for our own play money. Our income tax refunds have helped so far, but those are long gone now, and we have to work it out. Even if it only means we each get $20 a month, there's still money for us. So, if my H wants to buy something for the computer, he has to save it up out of his 'allowance' each month. And ditto for me (although I rarely spend money on myself - it's usually for the kids [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>I hope that some of these ideas that I use might click with you and be useful with you and your H.<p>And on a final note, if it makes you feel any better, my H and I have been having some major ups and downs lately too. This recovery thing is much harder than words could ever express. Some days it's really hard to keep in mind that it's all worth it in the long run.<p>Karen