First time in 19 years, H and I did not attend Easter mass together. I went with D. Had agreed beforehand that Good Friday belonged to H's family (he could take D) and Easter Sunday belonged to me. I cooked Easter dinner for my family (consisted of my S and BIL, my Mother and D). Small but cooking kept my mind off things. H came over in the morning. Left after an hour. <p>H called my mother to wish her a Happy Easter. Still called her "ma". My mother cried. <p>After mass, I took D to visit one of our goddaughers. Gave gifts from all THREE of us. These are some of our best friends (H works with husband) and husband told me he talked to H. H said he wasn't sure if he was coming HOME or not. My mother said that H has made his decision and feels that H is just avoiding being honest with friend. <p>Maybe that's true. Don't know.<p>H called yesterday to see how D was. Extended greetings to S and BIL. Then asked how dinner went. <p>I feel truly "separate". Sad.

I wish I had been around more this weekend T!<p>Sounds like you got through it -- and without LB's! <p>OK -- Its April 1st. He's been living out of your home for 6 months. <p>If a WS needs to hit rock bottom before they begin to realize what they're going to lose, then its time for you to cut the rope and let him fall.<p>Stop trying to pull him back up. Stop trying to save him from himself. Let him know that you're there to reach a hand to him when he's ready.
You can't save him from making this mistake.<p>I showed a lot of hostility towards my H. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair, and I knew that deep down. When I stopped pointing my anger at him, I had to point it at myself. And I needed my family at that point, and I was thankful that I didn't have to hide my real self from them. Thats what your H is going to need to -- even though he's not ready to face it.<p>Don't threaten -- just do it. Right now you're experiencing the backlash from the idea you planted in his mind. He's going to destroy all your memories??? (ummmm....isn't he doing that anyway??) <p>Deliver these messages with love and forgiveness. Let him and everyone know you are still committed to the marriage and recovery.
His parents and sister will be impressed with the capacity of your love. Not many people have the strength it takes for marriage building. You are an awesome woman!<p>DO NOT BE THE OUTLET FOR HIS ANGER. Change your locks, do not allow him in YOUR home, put visitation schedules into place, and do not meet his current EN of being his victim.<p>Its been over a year T. And he's not moving the right direction. You gotta change the course.

Lex, It's so good to hear from you. It has been over a year...I wonder if it's been too long?<p>So easy to lose hope from one day to the next. But you're right, Lex. When he called last night, I wanted to tell him how much I missed him at dinner when he asked. But I didn't. I simply told him the dinner was fine. He said the same about his. And then I asked him about his old golf bag. Need it for my new clubs. He said, "Buy a new one. Don't be stupid. Didn't I tell you that you'll never to be able to find it in the garage, etc. etc." I didn't respond. I just hung up. Right then I was once again reminded that he's still angry, hurt and nowhere near where he needs to be. <p>I wanted to call him back to tell him that we could fix this...he could turn back. But I didn't.<p>And re:visitation, I did take your advice and I've given him a schedule so that all he does is drop D off at home. Spends time with her AWAY from the house. <p>We'll see how it goes. Start some golf lessons tomorrow night so maybe that will help my mind a little...<p>Thanks for listening.

Golf lessions? GREAT! Sounds like a nice way to have some fun, relax, enjoy the bright sunshine! I golf too -- even joined a weekly league -- it was great fun!<p>Hey -- he's right, go buy yourself a new bag! Why not?!<p>I'm so glad you gave him a schedule to follow. Now expect him to break it....its coming! He never wants you to have control, so that will be one of his ways to try to take it back. Be strong!<p>Or he'll simply disregard your wishes and be at your house when you get home. <p>I'm sure many MB'ers have had some experience with boundry-breaking and will have good advice!
Just so that you can be prepared.

Lex, Weekly leagues are my next year's objective...once I become good enough. <p>You think he'll break the schedule? He sounds like he's willing to abide by it, for now anyway. Don't know what he's thinking and don't want to guess anymore either. <p>Time, patience...<p>He did mention angrily last week that he had gone to a lawyer and that I should expect papers within the next few weeks. Don't really believe him since he would be far more knowledgeable on money and custody. Doesn't seem to be BUT I could be wrong. <p>I'm going to leave things alone for awhile. <p>Thanks Lex.

You can buy both a new golf bag AND a new lock for your door at Canadian Tire. That way you'll get CT Money too! (if you pay by cash or debit). Then you could use that 'money' to buy something fun for your daughter. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Please be careful T.... I can hear your H's time bomb ticking from here. Shelter yourself from the blow while you can. ((((( T )))))<p>Karen

Hi Topie, Good to hear from you. Terrific idea re:CT! I forgot all about it. Also, I value your perception so I'm a little concerned about what you're really saying. Is this "normal" for a WS to be dangerous or for me to feel threatened by him? It's a little unnerving...I remember he once said to me that the OW was his last chance at happiness...he had very little else to live for...

HI T, I am so sorry.... ((((((T)))))) You are growing stronger... do change the locks if you feel threatened, it takes the possibility of him coming in any time he feels like it away..... please... this made me feel very strong and also very safe. I was afraid H would come take whatever he likes... now he knows he can't and has for quite a while....<p>I am so sorry your H is acting like this... if he truly wants a D... so be it.... you will be better off without this crap... sure YOU BOTH deserve a better M... but my take on a man who would even act like this.... MY H INCLUDED, and from my experience with my angry , infantile H.... is that a lot of what is wrong in the marriage... comes from his inablity to be a grown up..... Havve you babied and taken care of this man for all these 19 yrs... I have... lord knows I have.... your R is probably not as bad as mine... since I have to deal with the drinking... correction, it is not as bad... an alcoholic is beyond bad! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>But, I do know my H blames everything on me, and so much of what is wrong..... is the alcoholism... now I am afraid he might be doing the maid... OMG! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] He hired one... which is a total inexplainable expense..... to me.... ! But I knew he could not clean house... and now a maid wants him? I do not have solid info on this, just a very strange phone call... I got probably by accident... calling him her baby in spanish voice?>???? I don't get it... h's explation is that she might have a crush on him.... anyhow...his answer is twisted with lies.... these men are so desperate for love.... ???? NO LB's period... is what it seems to take.... I do not even know.... sorry to vent on your thread I am just a little freaked out here !<p>YOU are getting stronger... I see it... I was thinking of taking up golf too... I am going to ask my sister to take some lessons with me... and play... she has clubs.. and I am going to get some too... this is something I have wanted to do forever... time is still an issue... but I will find a way for 1-2 x a week..... Glad you remeinded me... <p>ONCE, yrs... back... I got a photo album... and in it I made a list of 100 things I wanted to do in my life... then I cut out photos of those things etc... and put them in the book... it was a dream book... then I started living those dreams.... We can live and create our own dreams without our H's ... we cannot save our M's alone... we can follow the best plans we can to try to save the marrieage... and by being good to ourselves grow stronger and more mature... and more able alone... eventually if we choose... if our H's do not see the light so to speak... we can marr y wonderful men....<p>who will treat us as we deserve.... when we are ready.<p>One of my most precious friends... had to divorce her H after over 10 yrs of M... and yes... it was very sad... her H was using cocaine... she remarried a dr. and has had 2 more beautiful children... she already had 2 boys... and now they are all doing wonderfully... sure there are some issues with stepparenting, etc... but NO, it is not the end of the world... as we both thought... <p>NO, it is not what we wanted... but also much better than being treated badly.... such a sad sad lot in life.<p>Thanks to you for all your kind support... I see your strength growing and want to hear more about your golf! DId you finish some of the painting...? I am still working on my home project! But, as I let go of my H and let him deal with the realities and consequences of what he is doing... I grow stronger... <p>Do not listen to all of those who say he has made his decision... your mom... I know she loves you, this is why she does not want you to keep hoping.... she may be right... don't hope... let go... and then is when he will see... .he is losing.. until then... he feels he can come back anytime... also his disrepect for you grows when you accept poor behavior.. I am trying so hard not to accept this anymore..<p>Hugs, H [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Honey, Thanks for your concern. I'm glad you see strength because I feel like the floor has fallen beneath my feet. I'm crying more. My mother asks me why and when I'm going to stop crying. Anti-deps, I guess, will help to stop the tears. <p>Changing the locks scares me but not changing them worries me too. I don't know anymore. <p>I remember Bramble once (or twice) that anger is so much better than indifference but how long does it last??? I admire your fortitude. Living with an alcoholic, I'm sure, can be a nightmare. I just finished reading Hope for the Separated by Gary Chapman. Says that the most LOVING thing we can do in the face of any addiction is to stop enabling the behaviour because that is true love. Love them enough to let them go. <p>I pray that your H is not "doing" the maid but in any case, your H does sound very troubled and unhappy with himself. It's as if he's grasping at straws. <p>Re:the painting, I'm getting the hardwood done at the end of April so I'm going to target sometime around there to paint. My golf lessons start tonight. I've just enrolled for five and I just picked up a used set. <p>You sound really good, Honey. Hold on to it, ok?<p>Thanks for all your encouragement and support. Always grateful for MB friendships.