I've spent the last 2 years obsessed about my H's infidelities (and how to recover and rebuild) and it truly hit me today that what I need to be focusing on is my own co-dependancy!<p>I'm the only one responsible for my unhappiness right now! I saw all the red flags yet I chose to ignore them.<p>I have a very clear destructive pattern when it comes to relationships and I need to break myself of this.<p>My H and I are moving to Plan B soon and I'm going to focus on this issue rather than on his issues, which is what I've been doing for years. I've been so focused on blaming in for our problems when it was me all along who allowed him to walk over me and destroy this marriage.<p>I guess this is my contribution to the state of our marriage prior to the As!<p>I feel such a relief!<p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Free2beme.<p>We are in about the same place. I am also moving to plan B - won't be implimented till mid April.

Free2BMe,<p>I have just come to the same realization. I will be working on me from now on. THanks for the post.

WillGetThruThis,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>We are in about the same place. I am also moving to plan B - won't be implimented till mid April.<hr></blockquote><p>I asked my H to move out about 1 1/2 months ago. We told the boys it would happen within 2 weeks, but I think my H is stalling. I'm going to ask him to be out by April 15th regardless of having an apartment or not (maybe he can stay with family).<p>What will you be doing to work on this issue within yourself?<p>miserynmissouri,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I have just come to the same realization. I will be working on me from now on. THanks for the post.<hr></blockquote><p>How is it you came to this realization? What co-dependency traits to you consider yourself having?<p>What will you do to recover and heal from this?<p>I'm not quite sure what I'll do now that I've accepted this. I joined a co-dependency group on yahoo, but I think I'll need something local with live people. Not sure if I'll jump back into counseling - never really got much help before.<p>I'm glad I'm not alone!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

i believe someone wise here called this acceptanc. it is a wonderful feeling. good spot to be in-you found your strength. good luck to all.

Free2BeMe,<p>My WH actually moved out 3 years ago, but comes home a few days a month which is going to stop.<p>I will post later what I have been doing, it's like peeling an onion, more and more layers come off. <p>I just read on another thread a great book that we may find usefull - it's “The Language of Letting Go”.<p>God Bless, <p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by nikko:
<strong>i believe someone wise here called this acceptanc. it is a wonderful feeling. good spot to be in-you found your strength. good luck to all.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Acceptance is something very hard to come by! I hope I can hang on to it.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by WillGetThruThis:
<strong>I will post later what I have been doing, it's like peeling an onion, more and more layers come off. <p>I just read on another thread a great book that we may find usefull - it's &#8220;The Language of Letting Go&#8221;.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I'm sure I've only peeled the very first layer of my onion, but one step at a time, tight?<p>I actually had that book and another one by Melodie Beattie. I recently passed my Language of Letting Go copy to a friend. It was marked up, highlighted and coffee stained, but extremely useful.<p>I plan on getting the newer version of the book. I highly recommend all her books for healing!<p>I'm interested in hearing more of your journey!<p>God Bless!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Yes, I'm somewhat co-dependent, and I think that makes me a connected wife. When he's sad, I'm sad, when he's elated, I'm elated. It's part of being married. Marriage is about 2 people becoming one. So don't kick yourself over the codependency issue. It's only when you decide to strike out on your own that you must become independent again. As a matter of fact, my independence within my marriage is part of what I was doing wrong when my H had his A. He didn't feel wanted or needed, and to be honest, I didn't want him or need him because I had everything covered all by myself. As for denial of the affair, I don't see that as codependent. I see it more as not wanting to face something painful in your life. JMHO. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Free2BMe,<p>This will be short as I am packing tonite to take the kids away for Spring break. (We live near the beach in Fl, & get a brake later than most.) We are going to Bush Gardens then on to south Florida for the state soccer tournament that my youngest is participating in. <p>That is part of my recovery - doing this vacation thing with or without him. I dropped him off at the airport 2 nite & He din't look like he wanted to go. I've been doing the 180 thing & going out, flirting just a little (with another male) when I get the opportunity and basically act like I'll be ok with or without him, which at this point is true.

I did and still do affirmations and have really worked on my self. I'll have to post those after spring break. THEY ARE REALLY WORKING!!!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

fREE2bEmE,<p>I also stopped snooping. I believe I get what I am looking for and I don't want what I would be looking for if I snooped. <p>Later.......???

Thanks to all for the thoughts and insights! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>jamup, we went to a counselor a few years ago and we mentioned this codependancy thing - she said if we enjoy being such a huge part of each other and spending all our time together then it wasn't a bad thing. Trouble is, he is so in love with the new love feeling that he would rather go out and find it with new women than with me. In my case, coD is not a good thing. I've always stopped my life and clung to the first man to show me attention. I would give up everything to make this man happy. And that is not good. Unless it was mutual, but my H's actions prove he doesn't love me. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>WGTT, enjoy your vacation. Our break is in a couple weeks and I'm taking my boys to Boston and we'll go to the aquarium. I'm looking forward to it. My H is taking his boys to the football hall of fame in Ohio the same time.<p>I've been checking my H's email more lately and I need to stop. I wish he'd just change the pasword. I know all I need to know at this point. The last OW (his coworker) has been away for 2 weeks and she's due back this week or next. ICK! She may already be back - he's been spending late hours at work.<p>Have a safe and fun trip!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

It sounds like your WH may have a sexual addiction, or something similar. From what I've read on it, it can only be addressed by the addict. There's not much the BS can do for them, and sometimes drastic action such as divorce will force them to really want to change. (may or may not be the case in your situation.) The experts I've read also say that during the addicts recovery, contact with the BS should be limited. In other words, don't let them move back in. It's kind of like the 12 step alcoholic program. And like I say - it's something HE must decide on HIS own to address and seek healing for.

jamup,<p>I have wondered on and off over the last year if my H is a SA. I belong to a yahoo group for Christian women who's H's are SA. I believe he is a love addict. He craves that new love feeling and gets it via constant relationships.<p>What you say is true about his recovery. I've finally realized that until I make a stand (Plan B) he'll never admit his addiction and seek recovery. And he may very well like being single and playing the field - it's not for me to say. All I know is I require a faithful H. I will not tolerate this in my marriage any longer.<p>So far he hasn't mentioned anything towards admitting and seeking help. I'm sure that will come once we're separated. In my letter I'm requesting a 30-day no contact from him.<p>Thank you for your support!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

free2be, Be prepared, because he may decide to never be married again. He may love the newness and excitement so much that he continually bounces from one new woman to another. Of course the down side of this is STDs and growing old (where no one new wants you anymore) and not having anyone to sit in the rocking chair next to you on the front porch!

Hi Free,
I've always followed your threads, seeing we have such a similar "start" to our marriages. <p>I too am codependent, and I have realised it is a primary disease. As you said, it's a pattern of behaviour that we follow, time after time. It's not being codependent to the addict. At first that's how this disorder was classified, but many years of research have shown that it's a fullblown syndrome/disease in its own right. Codependents are usually attracted to addicts! But I think there should be another name for it rather than codependency. <p>I'm also focusing on myself, though my FWH is now fully committed to the marriage. I'm not trying to fix anything any more, I'm Plan Aing myself. And it's going well. My FWH can't just coast, because I'm committed to therapy and of course the changes in me spark changes in him, which certainly seem to be genuine and lasting. I certainly like the changes in me, and the feeling of true freedom to be my real self, for the first time in my life.<p>You might like to check out this website if you haven't already: www.codepedents.org.