Easter and love busting.<p>Easter started out simply enough and progressed into a day from hell. The whole family went to church and then we had to go to my in-laws. Problem was fitting everyone into one car. The easy solution would have been to take two cars but for some strange reason my husband kept trying to figure out how to fit everyone into the one car. When I mentioned that I thought the best way was to take two cars he just turned around and walked into the house to get the keys. He had his head tilted to the side so I know he was annoyed. When he came out he and the oldest got into that car and took off. I had to stop for gas on the way and tried to call them on both cell phones, no one answered either one. The reason for my call was to ask that they wait for the rest of us so that we could all go in as a family. Had he thought of that? Absolutely not. We arrived and they were inside already....eating! Here is where I have to admit to love busting. I sat down at the table, across from him, and said, "You couldn't wait for the rest of us so we could arrive as a family?" He glared at me. Then because others had arrived he got up and left the table to make room. I didn't see him for the rest of the visit.<p>When we left he and I drove home in my car together. It was one love buster after another and of course because I was angry I was also spewing things out about the affair. It was awful and eventually we were driving in silence. Once we got home I went to my room to lay down for a while and everyone else stayed downstairs. We didn't really talk the rest of the day and after getting home from dinner I went to bed and was just about to sleep when he came to bed. It hasn't been a real good day either. I find that I cannot answer the phone and he has called several times leaving messages and in a few I can tell that he is close to tears. <p>When we were driving home from dinner last night I couldn't help but think that I thought we would have been further along in the recovery process by now. It is 17 months past the initial d-day and I can't say that we are so solidly in recovery that our marriage is going to work and be better than it ever was. Why is that? Does this all revolve around that wall I have built to protect me?<p>Anyone out there have any words of wisdom to share?<p>Scarlet

Hi Scarlet. First of all let me tell you that we had a terrible Easter also. Not for the same reasons, but it certainly wasn't one for the books!!!<p>Anyway...if you suspect you have a wall...then you probably do. Different things can keep that wall up...fear and anger are the most obvious, stubborness is certainly a big one, and control is also often a factor. 17months isn't forever...took us 2 years to pull our heads out...but it long enough that if signifant progress hasn't been made, something may need to be done to change the habits that are preventing it.<p>Our "success" came in one huge wave. One day I realized what I was about to lose...realized that I didn't want to lose it and given the chance would do whatever it took to keep it and cherish it...and I took a huge leap of faith and opened up to my H about it. We were just a few weeks away from being divorced. The following weeks and months were scary, but we just kept trying and asking questions and making efforts. It took trust on both our parts, even though we hadn't really earned it yet. And the biggest thing it took was the decision to commit. We made that decision the day we said I Do, but we didn't really know WHAT we were commiting to...now we do. And although we had a terrible Easter, we kissed goodnight with I Love You's and woke up to a fabulous new day. And we'll do it again and again and again...cause that's what it takes.<p>Do you feel you have fully committed to the marriage? If not...do you think you will? If yes...when, because the longer you wait the less your chances of success are. At some point the betrayed spouse HAS TO DECIDE, just as the betrayer did...whether or not they are going to commit to the marriage. If they aren't, then they are really doing the marriage (and themselves) just as much of a disservice to the marriage as the betrayer did.<p>Have you done any counseling and do you suffer from depression? How about hubby? If either of you do suffer from depression then it can certainly hinder progress and get in the way of clear thinking.<p>I hope things start getting better for you, take care.