I have slightly revised my Quickstart Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses. The thread resides on Just Found Out. Here's the link:<p>WAT's Quickstart Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses<p>I combined Rule 1 with the former Rule 6 and created a new Rule 6.<p>As always, I solicit recommendations and I hope to keep this an updated "living document" with hope that it's useful. I'm currently working on the "unabridged" version with a goal to have it show up someday in your local bookseller.

Hey Dave,<p>I thought I remembered seeing this list somewhere! I was crucified a couple of weeks ago for admitting that I was "guilty" of rule #3. In other words, I snoop. Nothing serious like peeking in windows or actually stalking my WW. I just simply drive by her place sometimes late at night just to see if there is a familiar car in her driveway. I've only done it 3 or 4 times this year. It keeps me focused, if you know what I mean.<p>Some one here on this board said it was obsessive compulsive behavior. I only do it when I feel that my WW is telling me a flat out lie that she is alone at night. So far, I have been right nearly 100% of the time.

Hey AH - howduin?<p>I hear ya.<p>In the unabridged version, I recommend that once you've established enough "facts", then further snooping may do more harm than good: you don't need to know any more and the risk of LBs is just perpetuated. That said, I understand the allure.<p>I think a BS's dilemma is balancing snooping against radical honesty - they're obviously at odds with each other. That's why I characterize snooping as "necessary affair research" - we're left with no choice but to be sneaky, but once the "research" has proven its point, perhaps radical honesty should prevail. For example, I routinely accessed my then wife's e-mail. She knew I knew her password, so "implied consent" was established. Once she figured out that I could do this, she demanded I stop. I did. I didn't even check to see if she was wise enough to change her password.<p>I'd appreciate any further perspective you have on this.<p>Dave

Dave-<p>I think you're right. Once I went by my wife's place a couple of times, I admitted it to her. <p>How much more radical could I have gotten? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

AH - fair enough.<p>So, why do it any more? What more is there to figure out? Seems the next time that snooping is legitimized for you would be when she claims that the affair is over.<p>So, what was her admonition to you?<p>Dave

Dave-<p>Admonition? (Sorry, I had to look that up to see what it meant)<p>She naturally accused me of spying.<p>The ironic part about it is, she feels free enough to come by here anytime she wants even during the weeks I am alone. What was that they said about the goose?<p>Anyway, I haven't gone by to check on her in some time. You're right, it got to be a pretty moot point after a while.