Haven't read much about what happens when the A dies a natural death after it runs it course. Has anyone experienced that scenerio? Every book I read, it emphasizes the WS needs to break off and have no contact with OP. But I can't find any advice about what happens when the A ends naturally and how long it takes. Does it really ever end? What I have read makes me believe it can be rekindled at any time dead or alive cause of the illusion that the fantasy creates.<p>Has anyone on this forum experienced the death of the A?<p>TW

Well, there's no telling how much of the story I have and how accurate it is since there are still gaps and discrepancies that my H has chosen to avoid like the plague, but here goes:<p>According to my H, the OW broke it off with him because she started catching on that he wasn't leaving me, plus it started off with him deceiving her about being married in the first place, but she continued because he promised it didn't mean anything because he was leaving me, blah, blah, blah. But I guess after a period of time (3 months?) she started catching on it wasn't going to happen and started feeling used and closed the sex down.<p>The EA continued (I know this from cell phone records, and my journal of unaccounted time leads me to believe the PA continued as well) though, and the morning after my H walked out on me, there they were having sex at a park. Then 4 days later he's asking me to take him back, and though he confessed the A, he only confessed to "a couple of times" of sex back in July (this was Sept.) and made it sound like a couple of ONS.<p>A couple days later he has sex with me for the first time since *I* cut him off when I first started suspecting the A back in May. He waits until the next day to tell me that he went to see her (after promising me no contact and "anything" to save the M) to tell her it was over (I guess it wasn't over for him until sex with me was a sure thing) and admitted to the sex in the park JUST 6 DAYS BEFORE HAVING SEX WITH ME for the first time in months. Talk about GAG city-- [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Here I was thinking we had had this reconciliation full of meaning and emotion the night before, blecchhh, only to find out I was just the flavor of the week. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Then, for the next 4 months, it was a series of slow torture discoveries of continued contact and just how extensive the A was before D-day, how long and involved. I still don't know everything, but I know enough to KNOW I don't know everything. Like how did I end up with an STD if he only had protected sex with her? I have a whole notebook of unanswered questions.<p>I don't know for sure how the A ended, but I'm pretty sure it did by January, but even now I don't know for sure since he doesn't follow the extraordinary precautions. But it was in January when I'd had enough and tried to kick him out, and since then he takes me with him when he goes where she works (I haven't run into her yet) and he has treated me with respect for more than 2 months in a row, which is unprecedented.<p>If I ever find out the whole story, I'll pass it on. He did say one time though that he didn't know what he was thinking because she was totally unsuitable for a short-term R, much less a long-term one (this revelation was the first I knew that he had considered it a long-term R at any time). I tell you what, I get so angry when I remember this stuff--the way he treated me after D-day was even worse than before D-day. I'm amazed I'm still here. A dog shouldn't be treated the way I was. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] And now he just wants to act like everything's okay and all better now.<p>I think my point got lost in my rant tangent, but what I was trying to say is that I do think that disillusionment set in at some point and he realized, as he put it, that "watching her trying to be you was like watching someone trying to dig into Fort Knox with a spoon trying to get to all the gold that you already are."<p>[ April 01, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

I don't have much to contribute as my WH ended the affair on his own BEFORE I found out about it. His A ended 6 mo. after her employment date, so maybe the A began the day he met her. Who knows? Because with an EA, who's to say when it started. I do know he ended it within 2 weeks of kissing her the first time. They never moved on to sex. I think I was lucky that he was not more "in love" with her than he was. Here's my take on it now:<p>It's kind of like when the boyfriend drops off his wonderful, Christian, perfect wife material girlfriend at her house by her 11:00 curfew. Then he goes back up town. And the attractive teenage town tramp crawls up in his truck. Then she convinces him to take her home, to the lake wherever, and while they are together she puts the moves on him and he gives in. Then he takes her back to town, never intending for it to happen again, fully expecting that his girlfriend/boyfriend relationship will remain perfectly in tact, just because he really wants the girlfriend and has come back to her. (He never really left). He just did "what any normal guy would have when faced with such an advantageous temptation"- so that makes it all right.
Well there comes a time when men (and women) must grow up and become responsible adults. The WS has to end the relationship on their own free will for you to ever be satisfied that it was what they really wanted. I would not have demanded he end the affair if I had found out about it prior to its ending, instead I would have demanded he make a CHOICE. ME OR HER. And I would probably have allowed him 2 days to make this decision, with his decision being FINAL. If he had chosen her, I would have remained "available" for reconcilation for at least 6 months if for no other reason than the fact that no one needs to rush right into another relationship. If after the 6 months they were still together, I would move on.

TW,<p>Well I wanted to 'kill the A'. But in this state, murder is still illegal. LOL!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So I let H do it. Slow and painful this death has been. The dumb rabbit just won't die. PBR is still trying to call about stupid things every so many days. Now the onis is on the H to find a way to put a stop to it. Remember this house has a front door that can be locked!<p>The lesson learned is that the BS can not put an end to the A. Just an end to the M if we choose. In my case, the A was built on false hopes of $$(for WS) for s3x(by OW).<p>How long does it last will vary by situation and personality. Some drag it on for what seems forever. Those kinds tend to be the 'conflict avoiders'. I have buried my boots in deep for the long haul but my patience is wearing thin. <p>......anybody got a trap for a psyco rabbit? <p>L.<p>[ April 01, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

It sounds like everyone is saying that reality has to strike and OW needs to be seen for who she is. <p>Thanks for sharing----I know going over it all can be painful but it does give one a little hope. Not sure hope is what I want right now, though. I am loosing my desire to hold on. I said right from the beginning if OW makes ya happy, then go for it but make a CHOICE. He can not. Fencing sitting has got to be the biggest bummer but in a way it does prepare you for the single life----slowly. I don't think I could have handled the end of my M right away.<p>I wonder if it is better if WS desires to get out of R or OP leaves the R? I think my WS wants out but OW does not want it to end. <p>TW

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tossedwave:
<strong>Haven't read much about what happens when the A dies a natural death after it runs it course. Has anyone experienced that scenerio? Every book I read, it emphasizes the WS needs to break off and have no contact with OP. But I can't find any advice about what happens when the A ends naturally and how long it takes. Does it really ever end? What I have read makes me believe it can be rekindled at any time dead or alive cause of the illusion that the fantasy creates.<p>Has anyone on this forum experienced the death of the A?<p>TW</strong><hr></blockquote><p> My H's A definitley ran it's course.I never had confirmation that there was an A until he ended it and the OW called me to tell on him (and hopefully get me to kick him out). I was pretty sure that he was having an A, and I knew who with, but he denied it the entire time. So I chose to not focus on the affair and getting that confirmation, but to focus on us. While I was Plan A'ing and becoming his dream woman all over again, she was becoming his worst nightmare. When she realized that no divorce papers were in the works and no lifetime promises were being made to her she started to become needy, clingy, manipulative and demanding (all qualities he hates). He realized how immature (and unstable) she was and how much of an idiot he looked like partying in college bars at 35 years old. When he broke it off with her he was very much ready. The night he came home for good he just kept hugging me, thanking me for taking him back and saying "It feels so good to be home. It's like I've been released from prison." The same day he came home she started with the psychotic, fatal attraction type phone calls ("If I'm going down I'm taking both of you with me") and afew really bizarre stunts. That all lasted 2-3 months until she was threatened with legal action. Her actions pretty much sealed her fate as far as his lingering memories of her.

I was the both ws and ow. My E/P A lasted for over 6 years. Does it run its course? That is much too general of a question I think. It depends on the relationship that the couple has. In my case, my relationship with op (mm) ran a course very similar to any "normal" relationship if you can understand that. I don't know how to explain it, of course there were the exceptions that we couldn't share together, but as far as feelings go, we were just going with it. I think if anything, the stresses that come with this type of relationship wear the couple down. Hopefully, it is your spouse who gets worn down first and wants to get out.
So, to answer your question, yes, I did experience the death of an A. Mostly circumstances creating distance at first but I was just tired of dealing with it. I'm a slow learner apparantely because it took me a very long 6+ years. It is like your marriage, there are things about it that you don't like but again, other aspects that you need and want. We had previously tried to end it and it started back up again each time until an outside factor seperated us on a daily basis, which was out of our control. I would be hestiant to say that my A is completely over because I'm still in withdrawl. I would guess that once I'm through the WD, its over; but if you put my ex and me together in a job for example, I would be very honest to say, it could very well start up again, depending on the state our marriages. The pull is extremely strong in these relationships because of what you mentioned about the person being glarmorized. The love is real, at least in my case, but the frustration that the relationship caused me eventually made me realize I would be happier with the wonderful guy I married if I only gave him a chance. The seperation me and op experienced helped in that revelation also. Alot of us WS get it eventually but don't wait for yours figure it out "naturally". Fill his/her love bank up until it spills over. Find out what those things are (voids as my ex-mm always described them...) if you can and don't wait for anything to happen by itself.

Fairydust---I stand in wonderment at how you could live with and express your love to someone who is betraying you. I can be loving but to be affectionate and act like nothing is wrong is beyond me. How did you deal with feelings of rejection and pain....How did you keep your love bank full? How could you respect WS?<p>Cmiranda---Your story blows me away. I could never wait 6 years? Did your H live with you while your A went on or were you separated? I also cannot fill his love bank anymore. I truly believe filling WS's needs endlessly with no negottiation of ending A will prolong the whole triangle. That would destroy me emotionally. I am at the verge of giving up now after one year and I am trying to find some hope. I must say I feel more hopeless after reading this thread. There does not seem to be any solutions to this monster that has invaded my life. I have fought for my M for 33 yrs through alcohol abuse, diabling accidents, another A, and feeling like # 6 on WS priority list and I am tired. Truly want someone to walk alongside me in this life and want what I want in a marriage. If my WS ever committed to a relationship, he would be one special catch cause he has such an endearing personality. He just won't committ to anything.<p>That's my little vent for the day and I am sure I do not see things as they really are but I can only accept what I see as reality. It is hard to find reality in the fog. <p>Thanks for sharing,
TW