W and I have been posting on MB and reading some great responses. W, however, does not agree with the Policy of Radical Honesty. I asked her for her cell phone passcode so I could check her messages and she refuses. She said it's just something she just doesn't agree with. I have explained to her that her life needs to be an open book to me, and I need to know every aspect of it. So far, I feel like I have been doing all the work. I try not to get upset and yell, but I find that nearly impossible whe she reads the same posts I do about being totally honest and having nothing to hide from me. I am trying deperately for her to give me something so I can begin to trust her. But she gives me nothing. I ask if she can call me throughout the day, and when I talk to her during the day, I feel she couldn't be bothered. I am beginning to wonder if I'm wasting my time. This seems so one-sided. Should I move straight to Plan B?

Does she even pretend to want to make the relationship work? You're right, you can't do it all by yourself.

dear mr funk- it sadly is very one sided. we have all been there. i know the feeling well. i got to the point that i just stopped snooping and checking because if he wanted he could always get away with it. i realized that it was his job to rebuild my trust. its a very hard place to get to though. you are probably in for a very long and bumpy road-i know because im traveling on it myself. we all are. what you are going through is unfortunately normal.<p>you BOTH need to decide to put the marriage first, above all else, even your personal feelings for right now. its very difficult to do. all the best and keep posting

Radical honesty vs openness. I have a problem with absolute radical honesty...in that I think that some things don't necessarily need to be blunt and hurtful. But...I think that if you want to know...and you ask for the truth...you have a right to it. I'm not going to sit my husband down EVER and spill out every gory detail...yet if he asks I will, to the best of my recollection, piece it all together for him. Now...with passwords and such...I think that's a different kind of honesty...I would call it openness. If she's not willing to prove she's trustworthy, then she's probly hiding something yet, or still desiring that "out"...that back door just in case. You guys won't move forward if that keeps up. This REALLLLLY sounds like you two have major control issues, however. She's still trying to hold onto control, and it sounds like you're trying to do the same. Neither of you will benefit from that. If she won't work with you in that area you have to decide if throwing away an entire marriage over it is really productive to what you want. She's got to do the same thing. Are a few passwords and a little "privacy" worth a marriage?

I feel I must remind you that you are the only one who can do much of the work. The first thing you must get under control is your anger. <p> You may feel that by getting upset and yelling you will gain something. Trust me when I say you will not. This is not to say you don't have a right to the passcodes. But ask yourself what you gain by yelling? Did that get you the codes? Did it make the whole discussion worth more? Did it make your WS love you while you were yelling? After you quit?<p> Funkedup, you are the only person who can work on your issues. Do you believe you have no issues? Best to take a close look at yourself and determine if you come up short. <p> You have only been at this for a very short time. PLEASE, PLEASE Stop thinking this can be fixed with just a few days or weeks. You are setting yourself up for failure if you cannot take a step back.<p> This is not intended to be a flame towards you. You need to get down off your moral high horse even though that hurts like heck. Slow down a bit and let things happen.<p> jd

i think hope4future said something on target here-you both sound like you want to win.<p>a very sage MB once said-DO YOU WANT TO BE RIGHT, OR DO YOU WANT TO BE MARRIED?!?!?!

It is at this point, funkedup, that you have to decide what you are going to do regarding a M in which the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement are not going to be followed by the other spouse.<p>Your W has heard the voice of experience from those who have stood exactly where she's standing, the very women I told you about in my first post, and what is probably happening is exactly what has happened in so many of our cases. The WS can hear the gospel truth from those who have walked in their shoes, but they still think THEY are somehow different. "Well, that may have been the way it was for them, but that won't work for me."<p>IMO, if she won't "hear" them, she certainly is not going to listen to me or to you. You are still advised Plan A, however, for YOUR sake. I just heard Dr. Harley on the radio today talking about the purpose of Plan A, and it is to correct YOUR contributions to the deterioration of the M pre-A and to facilitate the WS's separation from the OM.<p>While the OM is still in the picture (and that can be assumed if she is unwilling to follow the extraordinary precautions that eliminate the secret second life) and until she is through the worst symptoms of withdrawal, your efforts to meet her ENs will have minimal, if any, effect. So your primary focus should be on eliminating LBs (angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands) and providing a safe environment in which she can separate from the OM and go through withdrawal in PREPARATION for recovery.<p>Recovery takes two active participants. As long as she insists on maintaining the secret second life, she is not participating, and your only choices are Plan A and Plan B. The potential of Plan B cannot be realized without an adequate Plan A, so going to Plan B now is probably not the best choice. The BS is definitely dealt the worst hand in this situation--even all the repentant WS's acknowledge that.<p>So, what it boils down to is whether you want to follow the Harley plan of surviving an affair or not. You can only make decisions for yourself. Your W has to make her own decisions. We have warned her of the risk to her M in continuing her current course. My suggestion is to work on no LBs and focus on your life and doing what you enjoy while she figures out what she wants. There are many things you can enjoy in life even when your M is in the toilet. Focus on those, starting with your children if you have them. You cannot help your W until she wants to help herself.

Ok, what part does she agree on?<p>L.