Last Monday I found an email my WS had sent to OW, it was a HI, I miss you email but still, I lost it - told my H to get out - that I was done. He refused to leave so I told him that he had a choice to make - That I was willing to do anything to make our M work except put up with the OW. That if he wanted to have contact with her then I was done and if he wanted to stay then I needed for him to work with me on saving our M. One Wednesday, I asked him for his answer and he told me that he would "try" but that was all he could promise me. <p>Since then I can tell he is trying - Friday we went shopping together for easter gifts for the kids, Sat. his brother and wife came over and Sunday he went to my parents with me. We even had sex twice this weekend, Saturday night has become the regular night but Sunday he asked me if I would like too.. and last night he came over and shared the couch with me. Ok so here is the problem - Is this good or do I just want it to be good? I'm almost afraid to hope at this point. I'm afraid to ask him the "how are you?" question just because I dont want to rock the boat - You would think I would be happy that he is acting like this but.... I dont know its just a big but....

rdvpmm,<p>Plan A'ng your butt out and also try to snoop to verify no contact. Hang in here, you are in up swing 'coater track right now enjoy it ... it will be a few ups and downs until H is fully committed to work on M.<p>I have 2 D, 9 & 13 yo, and they are the one that keep me going too.<p>Good Luck and enjoy the up swing and be cautious -RH-<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Thanks - I guess I just needed someone to tell me to relax, I have come to relize that there are going to be good and bad days and it's not like he's doing anything different on the bad days - I have a tendencey to over analize everything and worry at all times. <p>And yes, I'm still checking up on him (without his knowledge) as so far he is always where he say's he's going to be and home at the right times. <p>Does anyone know an answer to this one? At what point do you stop worring about everything? I dont let him see me worring but I worry about everything!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by rdvpmm:
<strong>Does anyone know an answer to this one? At what point do you stop worring about everything? I dont let him see me worring but I worry about everything!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>It depends ... my favorite answer [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ... Trust has to be earned and over time you will not worry about it. Again, when you recover your M w/ 4 rules of recovery ... you get there w/ fullfiling M and this A or insecurities will be past memory.<p>Good Luck -RH-<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

I wonder too about things being too good, too fast! And I wish someone could tell me all the answers but I think we just have to wait it out.
D-day for me was 2-24-02 and sometimes it seems an eternity ago and yet others it seems like yesterday.

Thanks RH - It sounds like you've been at the point I'm at. I know I have to give this time but I have to admit, I'm not a very patient person. It has been 2 months now and your right things are getting better. I know if I ask questions about our relationship I will not get the answers I want and that is what kills. It's almost like he has convinced himself that everything that is wrong in him life is my fault and no matter how good things are somedays that if he is confronted with "what do you want"? His answer will be "out" but his actions don't say that so I guess that is what I have to hang on to at this point.

Tracie -<p>I feel the same way - Somedays it feels like d-day was forever ago and other days it feels like it was just yesterday - The pain of the A is so intense you just want to hide from it but cant. I'm almost afraid to get my hopes up at this point because I just know that he will find a way to crush them again. Him being nice is what I have been working toward and want and now that I have it (most of the time) I'm almost more afraid then before.

rdvpmm-
Sorry to know that someone out there has to go through this junk like me! BUT glad to know that I am not alone.
My H is doing ALL the right things NOW. But I sometimes wonder if it is too little, too late. I want to believe for my marriage, but the pain and hurt are still so new that I cant get past them at times.
It is funny to think that what I always wanted from him, I am finally getting and yet don't know if I really want it now! Can you relate to that?
Tracie

Only time will tell if he is being honest and maintaining no contact or not. The important thing to keep in mind is that the clock resets to zero each time there is contact, so you're back at square one again.<p>Is he following through on the extraordinary precautions? Your best clue as to continued contact is his voluntarily following those and PROVING TO YOU that there is no contact so you don't have to snoop.<p>Has he committed to no contact? (From SAA: "WS should make a commitment to the BS to never see or talk to the lover again.") Did he do this? Or did he say "I'll try" not to have contact again?<p>What are you going to do if you discover more contact?

RD & Tracie (and anyone else who relates): This is coming from a WS. Sometimes it takes the brutal choose or I'm gone to fully open our eyes. Been there, done that, but 8 and 1/2 months into rebuilding I see a wonderful life ahead for me and my husband. I see my marriage as beautiful and regret only that I allowed myself to stray in order to see it. There are other ways, but my road lead us here, and although it's a long hard road, it is well worth it. As for the trying to get past the pain - don't try so hard. Allow it to go on it's own terms. Something to remember (for you and your spouse), as you like reassurances that you are doing things right, etc. so does the WS. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm sorry both of you are going through this pain, but I wish you well. You can rise above this! Hope this helps. Take care.

Just to let you know, I'm 4 months from D-Day, and WH has been doing 99.9% of the "right" things. He still sees OW every day at work. And yes it does get easier. Enjoy the good days. Just in the past 2 weeks, I've been able to adopt the attitude of: If he's still having an A, it will come out. I will be faced with irrefutable evidence. One day's difference, or one week's difference, or even one month's difference in rediscovery won't make that much of a difference, so why keep jumping at shadows. Of course I have come to this attitude because my WH is doing so many things in the right way. It has helped in my healing because I don't feel like I have to continually look for clues. It came out before, so if it is continuing, it will come out again. (and I'm much wiser about the signs now!!)

jamup - I love your way of thinking! My H will not talk to me about OW and has stated that he never will (thats a hard pill to take)but your right - it will comeout if he is seeing or having contact with her (he's not good at lying - thank god). I would love for him to get a new job but know that its not really possible at this time - maybe her H will make her leave, that would be great. I'm trying daily to remind and show him how much I love and care about him and havent mentioned the OW at all, havent asked the "how are you feeling question?" I know I wont get the answers I want anyways - everyone I know keeps telling me that he isnt going anyplace anytime soon, I hope there right. I guess the best I can do is avoid LB's and keep on plan A'ing. He is reading HNHN's and a book his counslor recommended called "the lies we believe". I have to keep believing that this is all good.

rdvpmm,
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong> ..."the lies we believe". I have to keep believing that this is all good.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Yes, it is all good. That book is very good, it is a selftalk problem that most of WS having problem with. It is a good sign, just be patience and hold off on LB.<p>God Bless you. -RH-

I know this is going to sound weird but the thing I miss the most right now is the "I love you's" and the kiss good-bye in the morning. It's weird how you miss the little things that you didn&#8217;t even realize they did before and didn&#8217;t appreciate and now you would do anything to have them back. "the lies we believe" is actually the book my daughter&#8217;s counselor recommended for her too... I have just started reading it and it seems to be very good. I just wish I wasn&#8217;t so impatient. I always want everything right now!

rdvpmm,<p>Impatience is the most problem that BS has & lead to the first 3 LB ... I always remember one's sig. that made me smile.<p>God give me patience, give it to me now !<p>Nope, it is not weird at all about our feeling. A will make all of us grow to be a better person if we could learn something from it.<p>-RH-

I can almost understand why my H had an A - and honestly beleive that we can have a stronger M from this - I just hope God grands me those patience soon!

If he's into healing the marriage, suggest as I did that you say a prayer together each morning. Do you think he would be open to that? That way you can say your hopes and prayers for the day to GOD instead of to your husband. (but the husband hears!!) [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] (no LBs if you do it right.) Just a thought, Fortunately my WH has wanted reconciliation as much as I, and has wanted to restore a right relationship with God. It's working great for us. It would be wonderful if your hubby was agreeable to it. Quite often I pray that my WH will feel the my love, my children's love and the Lord's love throughout the day.