Sad Dad brought up an interesting question in another post that I am going to ask Steve Harley about in my next session.<p>Like SD, my wife told me long ago that she wanted a divorce. Its been about fifteen months for me.<p>I'm left wondering if it is alright to ask her why she hasn't filed yet? Does that seem like a LB? I realize it could open up a whole new can of worms. But when I really thk about it, I'd like to know what the Hell she is waiting for?<p>It is such a simple stupid question, I'm surprised I didn't think of it long ago... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

WS has no plan and is not sure ... still in confusions. My WW filed last month under pressure from OM but she still has no plan. Actually it is toward to your advantage ... you could plan A your butt out meanwhile.<p>-RH-

Redhat-<p>I though of that as well. I HAVE been Plan Aing my butt out. Most would say for much too long.<p>Steve had hinted in my last session with him that he thought Plan B would be of no use in my situation. I'm still not too clear on why. He said I might want to consider filing for myself. I'm not getting the idea from him that he believes my M is over, however. The more I think about it, he just may be suggesting this as a way to make her make a decision. Either way, I guess I would have some sense of closure in the end.

AH - in your case, I think it's her indecision, which agrees with redhat's assessment.<p>In my case it was only 4 months after the required year of separation, but that delay was due to her fear of my reprisal - she wanted to nail down a few more specific separation terms while I was still "stable." [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>There are other BSs here with simalarly indecisive WSs as you and it seems that when the time is right for them (the BSs), they make a decision to file or physically separate that the WS was afraid to make. This always seems to knock things off top dead center (or off the fence), but which way they fall is unpredictable. The decision point for the BS sometimes correlates with the classic Plan B decision point for those still in Plan A - as in your case.<p>Perhaps Steve will ask you, "What have you got to lose?" You've done a good Plan A - maybe all you can do. To continue runs the risk of committing LBs that can undo your Plan A. Maybe it's time to do something different to upset the status quo. Remember, just because you file doesn't mean you can't stop it.<p>WAT

ah,<p>Since I gave you the inspiration to start this thread, I thought I'd chime in. <p>My W threatened to file for 6 months before she finally did. That was 5 months ago and she has taken not action since. No court dates, no hearings. Zilch. I finally decided a couple of weeks ago that it was time to sell the house and take a step in some direction, and that's what we're going to do. It may push her off the fence one way or another, but it's something I had to do for me. If this expedites the divorce process on her part, so be it. If it makes her stop and think about what she's doing, so be it. It's a necessary step I have to take for my own well being.<p>sad dad

Dave-<p>You are correct on a couple of accounts in my case. I do believe my wife is scared to death on how I might react. Why wouldn't she be? She is having an EA with a woman who is also her boss. She has denied the Hell out of it even though I informed our daughters and my in-laws of the A. In other words, messy wouldn't be the right word to use in describing the situation.<p>Would I go for the jugular in filing on my own? I can't be sure. Steve had said that I might want to consider filing because of my daughters. Having them bounce back and forth between our two homes every other week is an arrangement that benefits only two people, my wife and this OP. They are starting to get used to the arrangement and that is not good , either. I guess that means I would go all out if I decided to file.<p>I also have a suspicion that he (Steve) believes that my filing has a pretty good chance of knocking her back on my side of the fence. It may be part of the reason he is advising me not to go to Plan B. Although he does caution not to count on this. I must be prepared to follow through with whatever decision I make if need be.<p>SD-<p>Like you, I am searching for that closure. I am so very tired of how this is effecting me and my kids. Whatever happens, I can't keep letting things go on like this...<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: Always Hopeful ]</p>

AH - I don't understand the reluctance to go to Plan B. Can you elaborate?<p>Yea, it's always a big mess. But can you imagine the mess if someone at your W's employer filed a third party sexual harassment suit against OP? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Dave

AH & WAT,<p>Plan B will do no good if there are signs from W rejecting plan A all the way ... i.e. there is no plan A. Beside current situation w/ D is similiar to Dv anyway ... AH might even get custody if adultery could be use as a ground ... not in CA though.<p>-RH-

I know this will sound very negative, but I think they do it because they can. Because they think that we'll wait around for them forever while they sit on the fence, eating their cake. My H saw a lawyer when we were separated, but later came out of the fog and didn't file. However, if the OW had not broken things off, I'm sure he would have. He had to see where his options were and what his chances were with her. Makes me sick to even think about it years later.

Dave-<p>I was really stymied by Steve's change in direction as well. I didn't know what to think at first. He did say that he thought going to Plan B would not have the "intended effect". I don't know, maybe he thinks I have gone too long. Also, don't forget that I tried rather unsuccessfully to go to Plan B last year. That might have something to do with it as well.<p>In any event, our next session on Monday is definitely going overtime. I have quite a few questions and concerns to ask him about...<p>Redhat-<p>Adultery in NJ is almost meaningless. It means nothing as far as custody goes. The OP does get served, albeit by registered mail. It could prove damaging in their case as far as people finding out about it at their company.<p>I'm not in this to punish my wife or stop her from seeing my kids. My oldest will be sixteen in a few weeks. She has pleaded with me already to ask for custody. The court will probably place my youngest with her just to keep them together. This really hurts because she loves the two of us so much.<p>I'm sorry, the whole thing stinks no matter what happens. Everybody loses...<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: Always Hopeful ]</p>